The Secret To Why Guys Act The Way They Do

I have been hearing lots of stories from my college ladies lately and I have to be honest, I am getting a little worried.  Let me share a few with you.

Recently, I heard one about a junior that had been sleeping with her boyfriend  for a year and only had fake orgasms since she didn’t want to hurt his  feelings or tell him that she had actually NEVER orgasmed.  Sound familiar?

Here is another…A sophomore who was taking 3am drunk calls from her ex and hooking up, but ended up feeling lonelier and more depressed the next  day.  Although she keeps regretting it, she doesn’t know how to stop.  Has  this happened to anyone you know?

You might be saying “Kira, these have nothing to do with me,” but hear me out.  They have EVERYTHING to do with you. Here is why.

Since I started coaching college women, I feel like I am living in a world of stories about drunken hook-ups, walks of shame and disappointment.   Understand, I am not judging AT ALL.  Hooking-up is part of the college culture and can be a lot of fun.  My point is that after the laughing dies down about their latest escapades, I hear the sadness in their voices about how they thought he would call or that it would turn into more.  Rarely do they truly express too much since it somehow seems weak to say that they really want a relationship or to feel love and  affection.  I, too, have been guilty of the idea that to be a strong woman I should not want or need anyone, let alone a man.  But that is a lie that we have bought in to.  The real strength is understanding how we can grow into better individuals by being in relationships, learning from mistakes and by choosing love.  Even if sometimes it doesn’t work.

Here is the most worrisome part of all.   The aftermath of the quiet heartache and bad decisions.  The blaming. Here come the inevitable comments…What the f*ck is wrong with college guys?  Why are they all players and a**holes?  Why don’t any of them want a relationship?  How could they act like fill-in-the-blank?  You get my drift.

I believe that I actually have the answer to that question…just most of the time it is really hard to hear.  The answer is us.  The women they date, hook-up with and sleep with.  WE are what is wrong with college guys (or most guys in general).  Before you start your hate comments below, hear me out.

One of the quotes I have fully embraced as a coach and as a person is “we teach people how to treat us.”  If you feel used and abused, unheard, unloved, taken advantage of, sh*t on, ignored, left out, whatever, most likely somewhere along the way you let the people in your life think it was OK to treat you like that.  Don’t get me wrong, you did it with the best intentions.  You wanted to be liked or loved and thought by allowing bad behavior they would turn around and love you.  But what actually happened is that by not setting up boundaries, you allowed them to walk  all over you and disrespect your time, body and feelings.

Here is the real issue, ladies. Not only do your choices affect you , they also affect all the women you know, and even the ones you don’t.  Why does it matter to you that someone else is faking orgasms or letting some guy treat her like crap?  Because after awhile that is what guys start thinking is the norm.  When that guy dates someone else and uses his “magic moves” he is going to be confused and frustrated when they don’t work.  Is it really his fault if she never took the time to show him what she liked?   If she never communicated with him what worked and what didn’t?  She has just set him (and every other girl he dates) up for failure. What about drunk 3am guy?  If she keeps hooking up with him, he is going to start thinking that is acceptable behavior.  Why wouldn’t he?  He is rewarded every time he does it.

So when you are disrespecting yourself, you are teaching that guy that is how you (and every woman) deserve to be treated.  I mean who do you think is teaching them these behaviors that all of you complain about so much…their mom?

I am well aware that guys need a talkin’ to, but we are going to work on the one part of every relationship you can control.  Yourself.

Ladies, we need to stop hating on guys and each other and starting helping our sisters out!  Pay it forward, if you will.  By taking care of ourselves and each other, we create a better future of relationships for all of us.  College is first place we really learn how to date on our own and paves the way for the future.

How can you do that? As Gandhi says “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Here is how you can start.

– If constant hook-ups are leaving you feeling more lonely and depressed, hand them your number instead.   Trust that there are plenty of good guys out there (I believe there are) and they will call you if they like you and are interested in starting something.

– If you see your friend making a mistake that she is going to regret, intervene.

– If you want a relationship, admit it to yourself and others and actually DO things that are going to lead to one.

– If you are having sex and not getting what you want, get to know your own body and what it likes and then communicate it to your partner.  (And yes, I  am talking about “private” sexy time.)

– If someone is treating you like crap, let them know it is unacceptable and then follow through on your word knowing that you will feel better alone at night then with someone who doesn’t treat you well.  Alone doesn’t have to be lonely.

– If you are hooking up regularly, just check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure you are still feeling good about it.  Ask yourself if you feel like you have power in the situation.  What are your expectations? Is this for fun or to fill a void?  Just keep this in mind: hook-ups don’t necessarily equal a relationship.  If that is the only tactic you are trying, you are probably going to end up with that sick feeling in your stomach.

– Look for the good guys. They are out there.  Promise.

– Know that you, and every woman (and man for that matter), deserves to be loved and respected.  But you have to start by respecting yourself and creating healthy boundaries that create a space where love and respect can grow.

If it is hard to do it it for yourself, do it for all the other women out there.  You won’t regret it.

Need help to get ready for love? Get all of Kira’s advice right here. Or check out Crush Camp on Kira’s new college love advice site



    1. leftydiego says:

      Great wallflowers pic, it really set the tone for the whole piece. I'm "dating" a guy right now, and it rightly sucks. I know I should break it off, but can't. One of these days though….

      1. Erin says:

        Why not Today?

    2. SLW says:

      I agree completely with your message. I'm definitely guilty of being with guys that don't treat me right ( aka sleep with other girls). I shouldn't stand for it, should I?

      But it's hard when you've been with the same person for a while.

      I've actually never broke up with a guy before.

      1. Kira the Dating Coach says:

        When is it going to get bad enough? If he is sleeping with other girls he is showing how little respect he has for all of you. Disrespect is not ok in ANY part of life. Especially from someone who is supposed to be your best friend.

        Get out now, pick yourself up and work on you for awhile. Then find a guy who is going to respect you and make you feel good.

        I am here to help if you need me to:)

        Good Luck!

    3. Anna says:

      I needed to hear this so badly. Thank you.

      1. Kira the Dating Coach says:

        So happy to help.

    4. Jenny Jen says:

      It's all about setting prescendent's. If you start out accepting things that you may not be so comfortable with, but hope they'll change over time, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

      Instead be clear and vocal if you are dissatisfied. Don't see him at 3am bc it's the first time you've heard from him in a while and you don't know if you'll 'get another chance'. Instead, show him that you're not at his beckon call. You may be surprised with the results this healthy boundary leads to.

      1. Kira the Dating Coach says:

        I love that you are following me everywhere with great advice:)

    5. Great article Kira!! If men get rewarded for being "players" they will continue. It's easier for men (and women for that matter) to be sexual than emotionally connected. If you want sex, hook ups are great. If you want a relationship, hook ups will not lead where you want.

      Kira's advice is perfect because this is what long term relationships and marriages deal with as well. Better to practice and learn these things now because if you don't you'll be dealing with it in a committed relationship as well.

      Way to go, Kira!!

    6. another dude says:

      As a guy, I know that we are extremely oblivious to a lot of messages women try to send. If you are trying to get involved with another guy, you should take the first step! Ask us out or something, believe me we will be more than willing.

    7. Jennifer says:

      This post needs to be read by women everywhere!

    8. Lindsay says:

      What a great post, Kira! This reminds me of an interesting book I read recently called Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both. The author interviews girls in high school and college involved in what she calls the "unhooked" culture, which is to say that the girls are willing to engage in the physical aspects of relationships without investing the time and emotion it takes to really get to know a guy. In my experience, it is really hard to admit that you play a part in how a guy treats you.

    9. linsey says:

      While I get what your saying, this hasnt worked for me or most of my single friends for that matter. I went through the beginning years of college with the attitude that hook ups werent for me and that I should wait for a committed relationship instead. However not hooking up and trying to have high standards has led me to not have anyone at all…. While in fact most of my friends who are in long-term committed relationships started "seeing" their bf's through casual sex which later turned into a while the article is nice in theory it doesnt seem that accurate…..

    10. Adeline says:

      What if I don't know what I want? I hooked up with a new guy last week simply because I felt lonely and wanted to hook up with somebody – he was there, he was available. At first, I liked the power rush because I felt in control of the relationship. But by the second time I saw him (today), I realized that I wasn't attracted to him, didn't enjoy spending time with him, and started feeling ashamed of hooking up with him. I'm planning on breaking things off because I felt bad for hooking up with him when I didn't have any intentions of taking it further… but how do I ever get ahead? How does this crazy relationship thing ever work?

      1. elle says:

        The crazy relationship thing works when you sex is a way to connect with someone you care for, rather than as a way to disconnect from your feelings and your self. These days people treat sex like they do drinking or drugs – as an escape. But if you think of it that way – you are literally using another person's body like an object for pleasure. Sometimes it is mutual – but most times one person or the other wants more than the other – and someone gets hurt. This is why I don't have one-night stands – I don't want to hurt or be hurt. If I feel lonely, I call a friend or hang out with a friend … and the next day I am not suffering from a "sex-over."

    11. Kerry says:

      Love this! All of this is sooooo true! I also end up being the mentor in bad relationship situations, I guess people just feelk like they can talk to me, and this is the best advice I've heard. I'm telling every girl I know to read this. :))

    12. […] seriously, girl, get yourself some self respect. Why are you letting some guy treat you like you’re worthless?! Before you jump into the next relationship, you really better do some soul searching and remind […]

    13. Kal says:

      thank you a lot for this! after reading this i realized that the guy i'm currently hooking up with is just to fill a void and that i want more out of it. i can't have more, i already know this yet i still continue with him anyways! i need to put a stop to this and find someone that can give me what i want. thank you again!

    14. Lucia says:

      I totally agree. As an older woman, I have seen guys trying to get away with all kinds of things and I have to set them straight that I'm not like most of the women they've dated – I'm not going to chase them, call them, text them, sleep with them right away, etc.

      If you set your boundaries and the guy is interested, he WILL abide by them. If he walks, he just wasn't that into you.

    15. Cadence says:

      wow. this was an amazingly helpful article. Thank you.

    16. anonymous says:

      absolutely brilliant.

    17. Seth Holiday says:

      This is rich. Girls, admit it to yourselves: you don't want the nice guy; you want to tame the Alpha. And if you did, he'd actually be Beta, and not worth having. You want the guy who's got options, who's wanted by the other pretty girls. What you say you want is not what you really want, and we're on to you. It's not your fault though; just evolution. The guy who tickles your hindbrain is the one who could take you or leave you, who's willing to enjoy you if you're hot, but who won't put you on the pedestal. All of this angsty nonsense is your ego duking it out with your id. We boyz needn't worry. You'll give in to your baser true self just minutes after you give yourself the pep talk. Thanks!

    18. criolle johnny says:

      "What happened to the good guys? … YOU DID!" sam kinnison

    19. A Guy says:

      Perhaps if ladies went for the good guys there would be less DB's auditioning for the "Jersey Shore" roadshow…

    20. Nate says:

      So, in other words, Dr Laura has been right all along.

    21. Ariadna says:

      I know I´M the problem and not them… but it doesn´t make it any easier *sighs* great article!

    22. Holly says:

      a man will be as much of a gentleman as he is required to be.
      set the standard. high.

    23. Legally Blondine says:

      I have tried to help other women, but in the end I realized that they love to be abused and treated like shit…And this is why I am that girl on campus that has no female friends and honestly, I love it. I respect myself and have an amazing boyfriend who treats me like royalty. Wake up girls, instead of treating each other like shit and clinging on to one another for these miserable "vent sessions" realize that you are feeding each other with toxic information and energy. Oh, and stop reading cosmo too. Every article is about how you are supposed to make your man feel good but never does it talk about your needs and wants. Instead they plaster pictures of anorexic models and tell you to spend money you don't have on trashy outfits. Feminism isn't dead, you just choose to give men all the power in this world.

    24. Men do…what men do, because women LET US …thats it nothing else to it….trust me..

      Ladies, Why Date You?.. When I Can Play for Free (Your Opinion?)

    25. a girl who knows says:

      SO true! what some girls never realize – and that included me for a while – is that when you are just "keeping things casual" with a guy, the guy doesnt always like that scenario either. some guys assume that *you* are the one who wants nothing but a hookup – even if he wants more! if a girl doesn't show or reciprocate interest in a guy aside from certain days of the week at certain times, it's easy for a guy to get the wrong impression. Like a guy stated earlier, guys can be oblivious. it IS possible to move from friends with benefits to more, i believe, but all too often it doesn't happen bc the wrong assumptions are made on behalf of both parties. Ladies, please heed the advice in the article – and don't let this happen to you!

    26. guest says:

      This article is spot on. I hope that women out there really take it to heart because it all starts with us, ladies!

    27. elle says:

      When I was in my twenties, the dating scene was so different from what it is today – the only girls that did casual hook-ups with strangers – were considered "sluts." It wasn't that women didn't put out, but that they usually only put out if they "knew" the guy wanted to be their boyfriend. It was pretty easy to get a boyfriend and keep a boyfriend as long as you had a good sex life together. And I really felt sad for the girls that went from guy to guy having sex and getting no "relationship" results. Now it seems that is the "norm" rather than the exception. I am glad that I dated then and not now … right now, it seems like the sexual revolution for women has turned against the women. Men like mystery. Men think fast and easy sex is like fast food – cheap and forgettable. Looking back, the guys I thought were bad boyfriends, were princes in comparison to what is the normal behavior for guys now. And I have noticed one thing – that when a girl or woman stands her ground – the guys listen and respect her.

    28. Dima says:

      I'm one of these good guys that get used by women all around me. Now I'm the bad guy but can't seem to find good woman out there anymore.

      1. Sky says:

        Maybe you should look better… If you aren't one of the good guys anymore, probably good girls will see you like one of those guys that just don't want a good relationship… Be true to yourself, and you will find that girl.

    29. guest says:

      Sorry to inform you that any "good guy" probably isn't going to want a woman that has been used by other people. They are going to want someone pure like themselves, because the good guys and the pure women are the people that save themselves for marriage! Because saving yourself for marriage shows your partner that when you do get married that you cared for them enough (even though you may not of known them yet) that you would allow them to be the only one you were with! So ladies, if you want to find a "good guy", then you draw a line and say to your "good guy" that he is not allowed to cross it. If he respects that, then you might have found a "good guy", if not, then kick him to the curb!

    30. Shannen says:

      Oh my goodness! So so true! I’m only in high school, but some of this pertains to some drama! There is a girl I know who always complains that guys are such douche bags. [she is just bigger because she had a few lossy guys] she has even admitted to me that she likes to give a little preview of her boobs (wear really low cut shirts). And she wonders why guys treat her the way they do?

      I’ve seen it multiple times. Girls wear such revealing clothing. Some girl I saw at school wore those booty shorts (I call them skimpy shorts) and her butt was literally showing out the bottom (hence, the name!). She then posted a status in fashion later “thank you to the guys who whistled at me across the hallway. Have some respect.” I had to resist the urge to comment, when you’re dressed the way you are! You should be glad they’re only whistling and not coming up and groping you!

    31. Jasmin says:

      I just wanted to thank you for posting this up. This really was quite an eye opener. I am currently going through this situation with someone that I love, and feel as though if it werent for me being so excepting of his shit maybe I wouldnt feel like a complete shit about the way that he treats me. As much as I would like to blame the next person I know that the real reason why he gets away with treating me in that manner is because I allow it and over look it. More importantly I never hold my ground. I always pretend it doesnt bother me when it really does. This is the main reason why we argue so much. So ladies read this with an open mind. I know we love to blame the guys but remember the guys get away with whatever we allow them to. So keep your ground and stay strong in the situation no matter how hard it seems.

    32. Patrick says:

      from what I have seen you cant change people. love is abig factor in th eway men act. but love doesnt cure everything. you cant change men. you can be his everything, if he has issues he will still have them even w you. also in some cases when a man changes, he changes his partner too.

    33. a7915052 says:

      I’ve said that least 7915052 times. SKC was here…

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