If I Had Gossip Girl My Way
When Monday rolls around, I’m usually gathering all of the snacks I can find, burrowing into my couch, pulling a blanket to my chin, having a mini freak-out, and anticipating the glory that is Gossip Girl. Seriously, that television production has rendered me completely useless every Monday for nearly three years now. But, it’s been a good run.
Did the original GG producers go on an extended vacay? Are the new GG producers out to turn my life into a pile of ashes that have been burned from the horrible story line that is this season’s Gossip Girl?? I’m deeply sorry if I’ve offended anyone who’s enjoying the season right now. Actually, I changed my mind. No, I’m not. This shiz has been as entertaining as a Quidditch match at a nursing home. I’m dying of boredom.
Seriously, is this all you can come up with this season, GG? It seems as if time and ideas are running out. We are back where we started…Serena wants to run away forever, she makes out with her (ehem, stepbrother) Dan again, Jenny has no friends, and Blair is still trying to find herself. I think I just snapped my jaw mid-yawn. Borrrr-innggg.
Gossip Girl: You are like my mother when she tells me to get a job, make my bed, and to turn down the volume Chelsea Lately. I’ve heard it all before.
So, since Gossip Girl has been MIA for a week now, maybe the week off has given those producers time to think about what they’ve done and fix it. We’re all supposed to learn from our mistakes, right? Well, let’s hope the people behind Gossip Girl have learned a lesson or 12. Here are a few things we are hoping the producers have come up to make Gossip Girl shiny and new again.
Serena: The Real Story
In the next episode, we could find out the real truth about Serena and her fickle ways with men: she’s actually a lesbian. She doesn’t know when to properly come out, and she doesn’t want to make Lily write (yet another) check for her. Eventually, her truth will come out, most likely at a gala, hotel party, ball, or some other event that brings everyone together in couture dresses. But it won’t be Serena’s idea to share the big secret. Team Brooklyn will pull a curtain away from Serena’s make out sesh with…wait, that’s not Lonely Boy.
Nate and Dan: When Boredom Strikes…
Without Serena, things are getting a little melancholy on the Upper East Side. In a marijuana induced angst sesh (and after they bond when Nate teaches Dan how to work a lacrosse stick), they end up going back to Nate’s hotel suite. After a few stiff drinks, Dan and Nate turn their bromance into a romance, get tipsy, and hook up. Before you know it, they are walking hand and hand to Central Park. Awww, cute!
Rufus: Takes His Baking to the Business World
Since Lily clearly can’t get enough of her hubby’s great cooking (the sarcasm is dripping like syrup off of a stack of his famed waffles here) and he can’t handle his roll as boring housewife, Rufus takes his waffle making abilities to the business world. He writes a business proposal highlighting the important role waffles plays in the preservation of families and before we know it, Rufus buys a ‘waffle truck,’ and roams the city as a breakfast maker with a cause.
Blair and Chuck: I Hear Wedding Bells
Since the only thing I actually enjoy watching on the show is Blair and Chuck, why not take their relationship to the next level? Honestly, I’m not sure if I would get up at 3 AM to watch Prince William wed Kate Middleton’s royal nuptials, but Blair and Chuck on the other hand? I would take a two-hour special and the risk of drooling on my shirt to see that any day. Oh, and make their engagement a short one so I don’t have to suffer through five episodes to witness the wedding of the century. Perfect.
Juliet: Diminishes the Mystery and Gets.Out.Of. New York.
Ok, enough already! It’s about time we figure out why Juliet’s brother is in jail so we can be donzo with these fools! In my ideal Gossip Girl world, the mystery of Juliet and her a-hole bro would be disposed, the sketchiness of it all diminished, and Juliet would run out of the city like a little girl (which she clearly is not).
Jenny: Gets a Haircut
And runs out of eyeliner.
Sigh, I hope someone’s listening out there. I guess we’ll find out tonight.