Tuffy Luv Hates The Power Struggle

By Sara

You got a question? Tuffy got the answer. Come get it. TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was stupid. I know I was stupid. I slept with the guy I’ve liked for a couple months in a casual hook-up sort of way. It may have happened more than once. I was sober (so was he). Yeah… not sure why I thought this was a semi-OK-ish idea either.

In case there’s a part of your brain going “eh, doesn’t sound all that bad…” I’ll give some background details. I’ve done FWB without issue. I’m fairly certain the only reason my friend even approached me about this was because he knows that. He caught me leaving to go meet up with my booty call… yeah, not too many reasons to be leaving the dorm at 2am alone and fully dressed and made up with a bag… so I basically told him where I was going. He was intrigued and we joked about it later, but I didn’t think he actually wanted to hook up with me. He did. I went along with it cause I figured it was as good as I would get with him. Only problem is that after I would feel like a whore and freak out internally cause I knew that this wasn’t how I wanted it to be with him. We were still friends in the normal sense – texting, hanging out; it didn’t get awkward or anything.

So I told him. I actually manned up (pardon the expression) and told him that I couldn’t do casual anymore with him because I like him. And I got told (after a long wait period – guys are really evasive I’ve noticed…) that he just wants to be friends. Understandable, though depressing. Only now he’s initiating 95% of our convos over Facebook and text and is doing so more often… I mean I just told him I like him, he basically says that he doesn’t feel the same way… so he’s going to talk to me more? What? I know the idiotic part of my brain doesn’t want to get over him, but how am I supposed to when now even he’s not letting me?!

-Boys need to start making sense

Dear BNTSMS,

First of all: What the hell do you think you’re doing walking around by yourself at 2:00 in the morning?!?!?!! GIRL. This is SO NOT smart behavior. Why the hell are you putting yourself at risk like that?! Women get raped all the time, sweetheart, and you need to at least TRY to protect yourself. If a booty call guy wants you to come over for The Sex, then he can damn well come over and escort you to his place.

Now, okay. I gotta say. You did screw up. But, I mean, everyone does. This is nothing major, and you certainly weren’t hurting anyone. You seem like a nice girl with some not-so-nice self-esteem.

I mean, honey, really. Why would you think “it was as good as [you] would get with him” when you hadn’t even tried? I mean, for all you know, he might have been interested in you.

I say “interested” because, frankly, he’s not anymore. Sorry. You treat yourself like someone who doesn’t respect herself (“it was as good as I would get with him”) and men won’t respect you either. So, lesson for next time: don’t do FWB with guys you’re actually interested in.

But, okay. That’s done. Let’s talk about your question.

He’s texting you and shoop because he now knows he’s in a position of power.

LADIES. Men LOVE to take your power. Hell, we love to take theirs too. But power in sexual dealings has GOT to be EQUAL. Do you hear me?! Once the power is skewed, you have no shot at a healthy relationship. You’ve got to have equal respect and be willing to GIVE each other EQUAL POWER.

So, BNTSMS, when you told him you liked him and he rejected you, that gave him the upper hand. And, even better, he realized that because you kept responding when he texted you. He figures he can get some more sex from you. Either that, or he just likes the ego boost he gets from talking to someone who is oh-so-into-him. Mmm, he says, rubbing his ego, this feels gooooood.

Fine. That’s allowed. But I don’t think you want to deal with it.

So: easy. Tell him you don’t feel like doing this anymore; you get that he doesn’t want to be with you, but you need some time off to get over him. Then actually DO it. Stop answering his messages. In fact, don’t even read them. And then–ahhh–freedom. Freedom and peace of mind.

I admire you for being up front with him, girl. Very cool.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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