I Hate My Girl Brain

December 9, 2010 2:00 pm     Posted in Entertainment, HaHa  kaletothechief g+ page


By Kaletothechief

**Disclaimer: This post is meant to be stereotypical, potentially mildly offensive, and completely farcical. Any viewpoints endorsed by the author are her true beliefs, although if you asked her, she’d deny it.**

I woke up this morning in a mood. I had a fight with my Ish last night. (You know, the guy in your life who isn’t quite your boyfriend, but is more than the guy you’re dating; he’s boyfriend-ish). It wasn’t even really a fight. It was me being frustrated at him for various reasons, expressing that frustration, and him responding in an even more frustrating, nonchalant way. So I went to bed mad, and, not surprisingly, I woke up mad.

But I don’t blame my Ish. At least that small part of me that is actually rational doesn’t. I blame my anger on my girl brain, the (overwhelmingly large) part of my brain that I hate. I know that everybody knows what I’m talking about because, face it, you have a girl brain, too. And you probably hate it for the same reasons I do.

1. My stupid girl brain makes me overanalyze everything.

What I say: “Ish, I am mad because you aren’t affectionate and that makes me think you don’t like me.”

What Ish says: “I do like you. I’m just not an exceptionally affectionate person like you are.”

What my ears hear: “I do like you. I’m just not an exceptionally affectionate person like you are.”

What my girl brain hears: “You’re right. I don’t like you. Actually, the thought of hugging or kissing you makes me want to throw up and run away.”

This happens in all sorts of situations, not just with Ish. It happens with friends, roommates, and professors. I overanalyze everyday sentences and make them into things they are not. Usually into something passive aggressive meant to slight me in some horrible way. My logical brain knows this is not the truth, but my girl brain makes it so.

2. My stupid girl brain makes ridiculous demands.

What my girl brain says: “I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!”

What I say: “Girl brain, it’s 7:30am. No chocolate.”

What my girl brain says: “YOU WILL GET ME CHOCOLATE NOW OR I WILL RELEASE A FLOOD OF HORMONES SO HORRIFIC YOU WILL UNCONTROLLABLY SOB FROM NOW UNTIL NEXT WEEK!”

What I say: “You win, girl brain. You win.”

3. My stupid girl brain makes me sob uncontrollably.

What I say: “Today is a good day for laundry. I should also reorganize my dresser drawers.”
[I then proceed to remove and re-fold everything in my dresser, when girl brain interrupts my progress.]

What my girl brain says: “Why can’t you fold this sweater??? Your lack of legitimate motor skills is really, really sad. Not sad in the pathetic way, but sad in the tears and other fluids spewing from your face kinda way.”

Yes, every few weeks I cry uncontrollably about nothing. Last week I really did cry all day because I couldn’t fold a sweater properly. Then I got an eyelash in my eye. That really pushed me over the edge.

4. My stupid girl brain is mean and critical.

What I say: “These jeans fit perfectly. And they’d look so cute with my new riding boots!”

What my girl brain says: “What is with that little strip of fat poking out of the top? And look at your thighs! Maybe these would look better on you if you stopped eating chocolate at 7:30 in the morning.”

5. My stupid girl brain is masochistic.

What I say: “No, you’re not going to look at the ex’s new girlfriend’s photos on Facebook. You’ve got better things to do with your time. Plus, you’ve got someone new so you don’t care.”

What my girl brain says: “YOU WILL LOOK AT THOSE PHOTOS RIGHT NOW. THEN YOU WILL LOOK AT ALL OF HER FRIENDS’ PHOTOS. Then you will ask your friends to look at them and tell you that you are prettier. And happier. And so much better off without him.”

What I say (while eating a bag of Fritos in bed): I HATE YOU, GIRL BRAIN.

—

I love being a girl (especially because I can use makeup to cover up the puffy, post-sob fest dark circles under my eyes), but sometimes this girl brain thing is just too much. I’m irrational, I’m angry, I’m emotional…and hard as I try, there’s nothing I can do to change it. Much like boobs and the ability to have children, it sorta comes with the territory. And that just makes my girl brain rage even more.

Sigh. Grrr. Sob.

28 Comments on "I Hate My Girl Brain"

  1. Mara says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20103:21 pm 

    This is HILARIOUS hahahaha great job!! I totally relate. Being a girl comes with soooo much power (seriously- have you ever seen a guy get free drinks just by giggling and leaning onto the bar a little?!) but girl brain just kinda kills any chance of productivity sometimes.

    Good luck with the Ish!

  2. Charlotte- University of Birmingham says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20103:22 pm 

    this made me laugh so much because it's SO true.
    I have so many times when I get SO mad at my girl brain for making me so irrational and emotional.
    I cried in the gym yesterday. Because of a sad commercial I was watching while on the machines.
    I hate my girl brain.

    Charlotte http://www.girlnextdoorfashion.net

  3. Alison says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20103:36 pm 

    What my girl brain says: “YOU WILL GET ME CHOCOLATE NOW OR I WILL RELEASE A FLOOD OF HORMONES SO HORRIFIC YOU WILL UNCONTROLLABLY SOB FROM NOW UNTIL NEXT WEEK!”

    What my girl brain says: “What is with that little strip of fat poking out of the top? And look at your thighs! Maybe these would look better on you if you stopped eating chocolate at 7:30 in the morning.”

    Both statements are so true!!!! Ugh! The girl brain is so two-faced! Telling me one moment that I need chocolate and the next that my chocolate is making me fat. It's like it forces me to eat chocolate, via threatening me, and then punishes me for obeying the order to eat chocolate by storing fat. And rubbing it in my face!

  4. Elizabeth says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20103:45 pm 

    This is freaking hilarious and so true! I hate my girl brain. I love being a girl but I hate my girl brain. Thursday nights texts conversation with my "Ish":

    What I Texted: I don't feel like walking all the way across campus to see you right now, I'm tired and drunk and really don't want to leave my bed.

    Ish Texted Back: Okay its chill.

    What Ish Means: Okay its chill.

    What I Read: Okay its chill.

    What My Girl Brain Interprets: Seriously? The only reason I'm in this is for sex and if I don't get any tonight I'm done.

    Thank you girl brain for causing me to drunkenly sob and apologize profusely for nothing.

  5. Olivia says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20103:55 pm 

    This is all soooo true! I "pick" (that's the word my boyfriend uses when I read too far into things) all the time.

    I feel like every day life is a challenge sometimes. =/

  6. Sara says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20104:09 pm 

    HAHAHAHA this is so awesome. Everything is so true. Sometimes I get so aggravated over stupid stuff (like the sweater)- like not being able to open a jar and then I get disproportionally mad about it for wayy too long.
    Please do more of these!!! :)

  7. ChelseyKelsey says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20105:07 pm 

    I love this article. well done. hahahah

  8. Megs says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20105:46 pm 

    This article is amazing, one of the best I've read on this sight.
    Congrats!

  9. Kaitlyn says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20106:17 pm 

    I agree! One of my favorite that I've read on here in while and SO true. Last week I cried because the package I was expecting in the mail that was delayed. Also, pretty sure I've had the same Girl Brain interpretations of what my Ish says (good term btw, gonna start using it).

  10. Jen K. says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20106:30 pm 

    I am so happy to finally have a name for the "Ish." Thank you.

  11. Eimear says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20106:37 pm 

    This is absolutely amazing!!

  12. Charlotte says:
    Fri, 10th Dec 20109:47 am 

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read. Legitimately laughed out loud and infact quite comforted by the honesty and your ability to articulate those very thoughts shuffling through my girl brain daily. Props to you, girl. Props to you.

  13. ally says:
    Mon, 13th Dec 20104:44 pm 

    this is seriously hilaioussss

  14. lynn says:
    Tue, 14th Dec 20106:46 pm 

    my girl brain got so upset about this post that my true brain is in a histerical laughter attack… i so love my "men" brain taking over when in a relationship… it spares me so much overthinking and free pain…

  15. Alexa says:
    Tue, 14th Dec 20109:58 pm 

    this made me laugh because it is actually unfortunately very true. I like the ish term and am currently attempting at my "guy like approach" to pull a guy in because us girl brains overanalyze too much leading to ultimate distress and confusion !! try it being more chill it works better!

  16. Nate says:
    Wed, 15th Dec 20109:28 am 

    Just wait til you are married and have children and there will be sooo many more things to obsess and sob about,

    and it will all be your husband's fault.

  17. mr bill says:
    Wed, 15th Dec 201010:42 am 

    you are so normal

  18. yup... says:
    Wed, 15th Dec 20103:41 pm 

    I definitely have one of those lurking. It's especially active once a month. Example:
    Reality: boyfriend too busy and sleep deprived to give proper attention.
    Logical-brain says: boyfriend is too busy and sleep deprived. I should let him focus on his work now so he will have time for me later.
    Girl-brain says: OMG he doesn't love you anymore and he doesn't find you attractive at all. Quick, cry!! Because that makes you MORE attractive, and boyfriend totally has time to deal with you spazzing out. I said CRY! *punches logical brain*

  19. Marcy says:
    Wed, 15th Dec 20106:17 pm 

    I'm so glad I'm not the only one whose brain works like this….

  20. jim says:
    Wed, 15th Dec 201010:53 pm 

    AND us "poor" guys..getting caught in the middle of brain argument, and going omg, which side do i get on. real answer: neither… run like hell…take the winner..

  21. Diary Young Asshole says:
    Thu, 16th Dec 20103:44 pm 

    LMAO…that was hilarious and you girls do have it worst off than us…:/

    Ladies, 3 White Lies Single Guys Like to Tell You (Eye Opener) http://creambmp.com/3Lies

  22. Jamie says:
    Thu, 16th Dec 20108:02 pm 

    This reminds me of my life before zoloft.

  23. personface says:
    Thu, 16th Dec 201010:36 pm 

    My girl brain says you need psychiactric medication.

  24. Franchesca says:
    Fri, 17th Dec 20107:12 pm 

    I loved this post! I can relate to so many of the things that were mentioned. I HATE that I overanalyze everything, but I can't seem to stop sometimes! We Girls have so much more fun than guys, but it is hard work sometimes to overcome our crazy girl brains :)

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