Glamour Says the Darndest Things: January Edition

January’s Glamour cover claims that it’s the happy issue. Coincidentally, this is one of the lightest mags I’ve ever picked up. I found this issue uninspired at worst and bland at best. It felt like a compilation of articles that were (understandably) scrapped for previous issues, but then last month rolled around and everyone decided that finding the perfect gifts was way more important than writing decent(ly mockable) material.

By Jasmine R.

Even the article that had the most potential (“What Do You Call Your Genitalia”) is just pathetic – one woman’s boyfriend actually said “all men have iPads and women are just their charging docks.” And no, she didn’t dump him. Conveniently, two pages after this charming anecdote is “In Defense of Jerks,” a piece written by Glamour’s resident guy (obvs inferior to Our Dude) who writes a few hundred words basically pleading for us to forgive guys for being clueless and socially inept. No thank you.

I must admit, I was tickled by this totally bro-tastic piece surveying guys asking them to share their sexytime New Year’s Resolutions. Hilarity ensues.

Glamour bro says: Tantric sex.
Jasmine says: I will never understand the appeal of a never ending (8 hours) sex session. I mean, I like f*cking as much as the next girl, but who has the attention span these days? Tantric sex seems to be a relic of the old days, pre iPhones and DVDs.

Glamour bro says: No more drama.
Jasmine says: When a dude says no drama, it’s code for “I don’t want a girl who will call me out on my shenanigans.”

Glamour bro says: I want pyrotechnics, strobe lights, a few more people…
Jasmine says: Oh, god, this is that creeper who is too much of a coward to go to a real rave, so he tries to make every house party into a rave situation. Like, dude, sit down, we just want to play beer pong. Keep your crappy techno and your suspect candy necklaces away.

Glamour bro says: To stop having one night stands.
Jasmine says: If you have to make it your mission to stop hitting it and quitting it with girls, you’re probably not ready for a relationship.

Glamour bro says: Lots more sex on the beach.
Jasmine says: Four words: Sand in the vagina.