Dear Mom: Read This Before You Poke Me

December 18, 2010 1:00 pm     Posted in Entertainment, HaHa  Alexandra Gehringer g+ page


By Alexandra Gehringer

Hi Mom, it’s me.  Your first born.  So I saw you’ve gone ahead and made yourself a Facebook account.  Fabulous.  While I fully support the older generation hijacking their way onto what was once my favorite social networking site, I’d really like it if you adhered to a few guidelines before going buck wild with all those bumper stickers I know you’re dying to send people.

Really, it’s just a few things to be mindful of while uploading daily inspirational quotes.  Think of this as a handbook of helpful suggestions, not a list of strict rules and regulations.

1. Private messaging is a beautiful thing. I don’t want to know what’s going on between you and you high school sweetheart or why you don’t list that you’ve been married to dad for the past 35 years.  Your wall is for things you want the WORLD to see.  If it’s not on the up-and-up, make sure your conversations remain private.

2. I know who you are. Speaking of messaging, when you leave a note on my wall, you don’t need to include “Love, Mom.” I see your picture. I see your name. I know it’s you.

3. Don’t add anyone who you don’t actually know. I don’t want to worry when I see that you’re now friends with Ganjup Nepsal and Tikizi Hanazulu, two men who I’m sure told you how proficient they are in international banking.  Wanna know a secret?  They’re lying.

4. No baby photos. Spit-up is never cute.  Regardless of what you say, my head was amazingly too large for my tiny baby body.  Did I mention my head was covered in bright orange hair?  And that you took to dressing me in a variety of fancy plaid dresses?  There’s a reason why I hide the photo albums when my boyfriend comes over.  Some things are better left on a need-to-know basis.

5. Don’t click on the ads. You know, those great offers on the side of the screen.  They’re not real.  Or if they are, you’re going to have to spend a lot of money and fill out a lot of forms before they can apply to you.  I don’t want to hear you screaming my name from the upstairs computer wondering why you can’t just have free copies of Better Homes and Gardens for a year.

6. Gratuitous pictures of yourself are unwarranted. Don’t do the whole arm-out self-picture thing.  An entire album of you at your desk, you in your car, you on the porch, you with the dog, and you in the yard is really unnecessary.  Plus you’re clogging my Newsfeed.

7. Application invitations are annoying. I do not want flair, I do not want buttons, I do not want bumper stickers, I do not want your book recommendations, I do not want gems or jewelry or characters or sayings or balloons or games.  Enough!

8. If you’re going to do any of the above, please just don’t add me as a friend. Or if you’re going to comment negatively on my outfit/life choices in my pictures. Or about the guys who were in the vicinity when a photo was taken. Or friend my friends.

Stick by my guidelines and everything will go a-ok on Facebook. Despite the fact you’ll definitely embarrass yourself at first, I really think you’ll end up liking it. Maybe next week I’ll teach you how to text. Maybe. No promises.

21 Comments on "Dear Mom: Read This Before You Poke Me"

  1. Charlotte- University of Birmingham says:
    Sat, 18th Dec 20101:18 pm 

    Aaah this made me laugh.
    My mum has facebook and she has about 20 friends- 15 of which are my friends.
    She gets awfully excited to tell me about what my friends are doing and likes to feel involved.
    It's quite funny really- she finds it very exciting.
    I'm studying abroad though so it is nice that she can just read my facebook and know what I'm up to.
    The worst thing is that now I have to be careful what I say on facebook!!
    Remember the good old days where you could curse in your status without knowing your 10 year old cousin or great aunt could read it?
    *sigh*

    Charlotte http://www.girlnextdoorfashion.net

  2. Kimberly Esther says:
    Sat, 18th Dec 20103:01 pm 

    My Mum is pretty cool on my Facebook it's the rest of my family I have to worry about. Like Charlotte said, when I was away studying it was perfect for keeping in contact. Now I'm back and I can't even get drunk without it being tagged. My nan doesn't even have a Facebook, but my cousin keeps her updated on all my antics (little sneak.) There really should be an age limit, if you can remember a time when you had to get up to turn the television on, you should be banned!!

  3. Brianna says:
    Sat, 18th Dec 20105:00 pm 

    i hope your kidding.
    if not you're a complete bitch.
    a lot of people would be thankful for their mom to tell them that they loved them.
    and who cares about baby pictures? if you need to hide that from your boyfriend i hope he never becomes more than that.

    wow

  4. Brandon Yanofsky says:
    Sat, 18th Dec 20105:54 pm 

    I guess I'm lucky enough that my parents haven't figured out how to find me yet.

  5. lacey says:
    Sat, 18th Dec 20107:27 pm 

    I know what you mean about cursing! I do cuss like a sailor, but not really online. But honestly if I throw out a "hell" or "shit" I realllyy dont like people to point their index finger at me and be like "oohhhh Im telling….!" I actually had on of my husbands cousins message me once and say he saw my page had a "bad word" on it and would appreciate if I didnt use it again…. jeeze. I just appologized, went to my privacy settings, and blocked my wall from being seen by him. Ugh, if you dont want to see it, block it! Thats why they have awsome privacy features.

  6. lacey says:
    Sat, 18th Dec 20107:33 pm 

    Lol, side note: This pic shows more like Granny on facebook, not mom..

  7. JRonnie says:
    Sun, 19th Dec 20108:29 pm 

    Sally Jessy Raphael; is that you?

  8. Kat says:
    Mon, 20th Dec 20102:13 am 

    I miss the good ol days when you had to have a university email address to even be allowed on Facebook! I know it's about the money and everything, but it really sucks! Things have def changed now that I have my aunt sending me messages about what I put in my status and asking if Jesus would approve of my Halloween costume!! *sigh*

  9. Robyn says:
    Wed, 29th Dec 20105:30 pm 

    Yeah this was bitchy. Your mom loves and she doesn't always understand what to do and what not to do. She doesn't embarrass you on purpose. And for those who agree with this, who is paying for your schooling?

  10. lacey says:
    Fri, 31st Dec 20102:05 pm 

    Bwahah, we talked about this yesterday with my hair stylist. She tricked her dad in not joining because she told him you have to pay a monthly fee to use facebook. She told me he said "Jeeze, I dont know why its so popular!" Too late for my fams. Oh well

  11. Riah says:
    Sun, 2nd Jan 20113:16 pm 

    privacy settings are an amazing thing <3 i love my mom, but if i even say crap on facebook I get told that my future employers won't like it… uh, i'm adding them to my 'take off status' (aka people who will tell my mom whatever i do that she doesn't approve of) list as soon as i get a job. Thankfully, she's internet-savvy enough to know not to do most of these (my dad can't even turn off a computer so I'm safe there) but she does make me awkwardly model stuff for her store and upload it on the stores facebook >__<

  12. rose says:
    Tue, 4th Jan 20118:10 pm 

    And also, don't assume everything in my pictures are kegs, and PLEASE if your savvy enough to be on fb you need to learn what tfln was, i wasn't drunk in a cab, a stranger was and me posting it to a friends wall does not warrant a 12am call

  13. strangetributes says:
    Wed, 5th Jan 20118:20 pm 

    oh my gosh…so cute. My mom does the same thing. Hahahaa

  14. strangetributes says:
    Sun, 9th Jan 20112:56 am 

    haha there are lots of people that click on ads. I zone them out now…I really don't even see them.

  15. dbob says:
    Wed, 26th Jan 20117:40 pm 

    all of those privacy features can easily be removed by Facebook or the government. When you apply for a job they ask you for your facebook passwords and your email and Twiter

    The world just isn't private anymore

  16. Andy King says:
    Fri, 28th Jan 20115:08 am 

    This is funny… a good mum… a better daughter… something different… enjoyed reading…

  17. mea says:
    Mon, 31st Jan 201112:36 pm 

    it amazes me how many young people complain about their parents finding them on facebook. its no secret and if YOU Post it, its out there. Why are you so surprised/dismayed/and/or thoroughly upset that your parents find you too? get over it and get used to it…parents and family are part of the bigger world too.

  18. intoyourblueeyes says:
    Wed, 2nd Feb 20111:20 am 

    I will surely make my mom read this….
    its need for her, she made many mistakes pointed above…
    thanx for sharing…

    How To Make a Guy Fall In Love With You

  19. ariel says:
    Mon, 5th Nov 20128:49 pm 

    blah blah blah none of this is true about my momm

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