Dear Mom: Read This Before You Poke Me
Hi Mom, it’s me. Your first born. So I saw you’ve gone ahead and made yourself a Facebook account. Fabulous. While I fully support the older generation hijacking their way onto what was once my favorite social networking site, I’d really like it if you adhered to a few guidelines before going buck wild with all those bumper stickers I know you’re dying to send people.
Really, it’s just a few things to be mindful of while uploading daily inspirational quotes. Think of this as a handbook of helpful suggestions, not a list of strict rules and regulations.
1. Private messaging is a beautiful thing. I don’t want to know what’s going on between you and you high school sweetheart or why you don’t list that you’ve been married to dad for the past 35 years. Your wall is for things you want the WORLD to see. If it’s not on the up-and-up, make sure your conversations remain private.
2. I know who you are. Speaking of messaging, when you leave a note on my wall, you don’t need to include “Love, Mom.” I see your picture. I see your name. I know it’s you.
3. Don’t add anyone who you don’t actually know. I don’t want to worry when I see that you’re now friends with Ganjup Nepsal and Tikizi Hanazulu, two men who I’m sure told you how proficient they are in international banking. Wanna know a secret? They’re lying.
4. No baby photos. Spit-up is never cute. Regardless of what you say, my head was amazingly too large for my tiny baby body. Did I mention my head was covered in bright orange hair? And that you took to dressing me in a variety of fancy plaid dresses? There’s a reason why I hide the photo albums when my boyfriend comes over. Some things are better left on a need-to-know basis.
5. Don’t click on the ads. You know, those great offers on the side of the screen. They’re not real. Or if they are, you’re going to have to spend a lot of money and fill out a lot of forms before they can apply to you. I don’t want to hear you screaming my name from the upstairs computer wondering why you can’t just have free copies of Better Homes and Gardens for a year.
6. Gratuitous pictures of yourself are unwarranted. Don’t do the whole arm-out self-picture thing. An entire album of you at your desk, you in your car, you on the porch, you with the dog, and you in the yard is really unnecessary. Plus you’re clogging my Newsfeed.
7. Application invitations are annoying. I do not want flair, I do not want buttons, I do not want bumper stickers, I do not want your book recommendations, I do not want gems or jewelry or characters or sayings or balloons or games. Enough!
8. If you’re going to do any of the above, please just don’t add me as a friend. Or if you’re going to comment negatively on my outfit/life choices in my pictures. Or about the guys who were in the vicinity when a photo was taken. Or friend my friends.
Stick by my guidelines and everything will go a-ok on Facebook. Despite the fact you’ll definitely embarrass yourself at first, I really think you’ll end up liking it. Maybe next week I’ll teach you how to text. Maybe. No promises.