Now Showing: The Tourist
In, The Tourist, a mysterious woman named Elise (Angelina Jolie) diverts the attention away from her actual criminal boyfriend by using an American tourist in Italy, Frank (Johnny Depp). She meets Frank on a train and pretends to be married to him in order to divert the attention of the police and the mafia. The trailer wants you to believe that it’s more complicated than that…but it isn’t.
Today’s review is coming to you in three parts: best picture, best actress, and best actor. That’s right, those were all of the Golden Globes that The Tourist was recently nominated for. And I’m going to tell you why that fact is perfect proof that the films of 2010 have been a disappointment.
Nothing about this film was remotely interesting. If you don’t believe me, you can ask the two girls who got up and left five minutes into the movie (they had the right idea). Honestly, this movie is a complete joke in every sense of the word. More of a joke than Sarah Palin’s reality show.
The dialogue is slow and uncomfortable. The plot has holes. It takes place in a beautiful city, but the sequences don’t even use the gorgeous setting to their advantage. There are two semi-twists, but by the time they come around, you will be so bored with the story that you will not care. WHY GOD, WHY. I’m seriously just getting angry writing about it. Which begs the question, why was this nominated for a Golden Globe? Please tell me. Because I have no answer for you. I almost asked for my money back, which I didn’t even consider doing when I saw Due Date (see that review, read it, multiply all of my hatred times ten).
The Tourist stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp, who are, like, really pretty. For those people who weren’t aware, WORRY NOT, every time Jolie’s character, Elise, walks into a room, everyone in said room turns around and stares at her. Yes, literally everyone. But, believe it or not, these two may have been part of the reason that the movie made my want to gouge my eyes out. They have no chemistry. The dialogue is awkward and forced. They seem completely disinterested in each other actually.
Don’t see this movie. I’m serious. I would rather watch that video of Miley Cyrus on salvia one hundred times than have to sit through The Tourist again. That’s right, I’d sit through the squawking that is, “IS THAT MY BOYFRIEND? IS THAT MY BOYFRIEND?” in order to avoid a film that has been nominated for multiple Golden Globes.
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