Seventeen Says the Darndest Things: February Edition

Nothing makes me happier than seeing Leighton Meester’s (unbelievably beautiful) face on the cover of a magazine.   I mean, she’s not only one of the best-looking and most stylish (minus that whole weird, lacy jumpsuit debacle) people in Hollywood, she’s also one of the most underrated.  Homegirl was born in jail!  And if that wasn’t interesting enough, she plays one of the most fabulous characters on television right now, and any actress who can fill Blair Waldorf’s Louboutins so perfectly obviously deserves attention.

By Zara

So I was pretty excited to see her on the cover of this month’s Seventeen – even though I knew that the article would spare us all the juicy, scandalous Gossip Girl-eque deets.  Unfortunately, it talked more about how Leighton loves baking cookies and less about where she finds the inspiration required to play such a crazy bitch so well….but I’ll take what I can get.

Luckily, the Seventeen editors saved the juice for other articles.  They actually talked about (gasp) SEX in this issue!  And STDs!  In case you didn’t know, in the land of Seventeen magazine, these two things go hand-in-hand, because if you have sex you WILL get an STD.  And die.

Also, if you ever drugs, you WILL become and addict (and die), a point that was reinforced again and again in an article about a girl who developed a crystal meth addiction thanks to a toxic roommate.

But, as usual, Seventeen also took a ride on the line between scandal and sweetness.  Just another article that touches on a risqué topic, presenting it in a way that will scare the sh!t out of especially naïve readers and by doing this, mold them into virtuous young ladies.  (Basically, if a typical Seventeen article was a TV show, it would be less 90210 and more Secret Life Of The American Teenager.) It was called “Guys’ Sexy Secrets Revealed” and it was definitely the best article of the month.

FYI – you should probably replace the word “best” with one of these choices: “hilarious” “absurd” or “ridiculous.”

Seventeen says: “You’ve seen guys writhing on the ground in pain from a kick to the groin, but nothing you could do while making out could ever hurt.”
Zara says: So if you accidentally kick a guy in the groin while making out it won’t hurt? I’ve got a few  drunken debacles involving me and a guy crying in the corner of the bed that completely disprove that theory, Seventeen.

Seventeen says: Testosterone helps guys stay lean and muscular.
Zara says: This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the article, but it’s good to know. This interesting factoid is why guys can house four dozen wings a day, eat a cheeseburger for dessert, and chug soda like it’s going out of style and not gain weight.  And if that doesn’t make you want to kick him in the groin, I don’t know what will.

Seventeen says: Even guys need body peace.
Zara says: Why?  All that friggin’ testosterone keeps them skinny, and any body parts that make them, um, self-conscious are covered up most of the time.

Seventeen says: Stick to kissing or touching with clothes on until he gets checked out.
Zara says: Lay off the Patron until after the appointment or that sure as hell won’t happen.

Seventeen says: But here’s what’s even scarier – in reality, most STDs often show no symptoms at all.
Zara says: True story. But must you really scare every single tweenager who’s made out with a boy at a middle school dance into thinking they need to get themselves over to the school nurse for a Herpes test?