Ask a Dude: Is Asking for Clarification a Relationship Death Sentence?

January 5, 2011 4:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  The Dude g+ page


By The Dude

Hey Dude,

I just turned 20 and am a sophomore in college. I have plenty of friends, but I have never had a boyfriend. Many of my close friends have the same problem, and we dwell on it all the time. We go out to parties, socialize, and have fun. I have guy friends that are my best friends so I do not think I am shy around them. I have hooked up with random guys, with only one being “considerable” for something more.

We were set up and hit it off right away, however it all changed when I asked where it was going (relationship or hook up) after a month of us going out. I know this was straight-forward, but I needed to know! Was this the wrong thing? Is there something that college guys look for in a girl to become a girlfriend? Being 20 and never having a boyfriend concerns me.

— Forever Single but not Forever Young

Dear Forever Single but not Forever Young,

To answer your first question. No. It wasn’t wrong. After a month, asking for clarification isn’t an act of treason but reason. You’ve just got to be prepared (as best as one can) to get the answer you didn’t want.

Onto the second and more general question: No. There’s no secret trick that’s 100% guaranteed to catch a predator boyfriend in college.

So, where does that leave you? SOL? WTF? FTW? LOL? It leaves you feeling like gum on the bottom of someone’s Sketcher being scraped off. It SUCKS! The question is, whose fault is it, yours or theirs?

With enough heartache via painful rejection, it’s tough not to the think that the problem could be you. You start trying to fix yourself. It has to be something you can solve. There has to be something you can control about the situation. Well, there’s always something you can do but there’s never a guarantee that by doing it you’ll become more appealing, attractive, or desirable. Hopefully though, you’ll be happier.

How many times have you been told to just be patient? When the time’s right it’ll just happen. You won’t even see it coming. Don’t get me wrong, practicing The Secret is all well and good. Belief in yourself is essential to a fulfilling existence. However, there comes a breaking point where good intentions and well wishes cease satisfying your loneliness.

Part of the problem is very likely that you’re stuck in an environment that cuts you off from a wide variety of gentleman callers.  You might also be suffering from a lack of confidence that can come off as desperation to some guys, which is relationship repellant. Could it be hygiene? Could it be attitude? Could it be location? Yes. It could one or a combination of all three. Based on the limited information you’ve provided me about yourself I can’t put my finger on which permutation is the most likely. Regardless, there are practical actions to take.

Talk to your inner circle. You sound like you have a fabulous support system of friends. These friends can best serve you through honesty. They can provide an objective perspective on how you come off to guys. If you trust them, then ask them to be straight with you. See if they provide some insight.

Go off campus. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! Take a weekend trip to another college that a friend from high school’s going to. Or Birthright. Just see how you feel when not surrounded by the same guys every day. Sometimes we’re not compatible with the people we’re attending classes with. Maybe you’ll loosen up or find guys who are more your speed.

Cultivate a passion. A boyfriend doesn’t bring fulfillment. Being someone who’s confident and loves what she’s doing does. Throw yourself into something that makes you happy when you do it. The more social the activity the better. Meeting people when you’re feeling like your best self is always better.

You can’t control somebody’s decision to be your boyfriend. You can only try to enrich your life so that when someone says “No” you realize it isn’t the end of your life.

Live long and prosper,
Dude, Chief Science Officer, U.S.S. Male Perspective

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

9 Comments on "Ask a Dude: Is Asking for Clarification a Relationship Death Sentence?"

  1. Shauna says:
    Wed, 5th Jan 201110:51 pm 

    Don't feel awkward about anything, I'm 23 and have only had one boyfriend… in 9th grade… and he came out in 11th grade two years after we broke up. How's that for a girl's self esteem. Add in two more guys I dated that came out later and several guys who ended up stalking me.

    I want a relationship, there's a guy I like, he flirts with me a lot, I flirt back, and word is he and his ex are trying to work things out.

    I need to find different men.

  2. Ashley says:
    Sat, 8th Jan 20115:07 am 

    I'd say the one thing he left out was to clarify hooking up. You want to avoid sleeping with someone first, then inquiring about the possibility of a relationship later. If you want a serious relationship/something more permanent, hold off on the hooking up, messing around, until you know the guys intentions, and ask him his intentions first. If he disappears from you, then good, it saved you the time of having to dump him later, or be heartbroken when you do it.

    Your not necessarily competing with the whole campus of girls for one guys attention, meaning, its a lot of girls but it's only one you, you dont have to worry that you need to be perfect, you just have to be you, thats it. Thats enough to attract a guy, the right guy. Smile alot, focus on your books, socialize when you go to parties, and join a club that gets out on campus that meets people. You'll have them clamoring over you in no time.

    For you to desire a guy, he should be loyal, attentive, good to you, respectful, educated, and have motivation in life, and be presentable. When he meets this criteria, and any other standards you set forth, then he will in turn want to know what you can offer. Are you funny? Intelligent? Nice smile, good personality… Does he want to be around you longer than it takes to kiss you, does he want to know what is important to you, what you are thinking about. What do you offer? Answer that for yourself and once you do, know that you are bringing it! You are one hot lady.

    Give yourself time to figure out where a guy is coming from and what he can offer you before waiting for him to find you worthy enough to call back.

    Lastly, if your friends are hooking up, chances are you are looked at as part of the group that just wants to "hook up", too. you have to set the guy straight on where you are coming from. Good luck!

  3. djshalom says:
    Sun, 9th Jan 201112:39 am 

    Love the "Birthright" idea! Hahah. So true–so many of my friends met their boyfriends on Birthright. I personally didn't, but it was so refreshing hanging out with guys I'm not used to for 10 days–I had nothing to loose and had a revived sense of confidence around them cause I didn't care what happened.

  4. Alyssa says:
    Mon, 17th Jan 20115:06 am 

    I totally understand your situation. I am 21 and have yet to have a boyfriend. I know that I am extremely picky and that is my fault, and I tend to be attracted to the guys that are already taken. I try not to dwell on my single situation but, sometimes its hard when you see happy couples all around you, or your family is always on your case about being with someone. You don't have to change yourself for some guy, but if you don't love and respect yourself, how do you expect a guy to?

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