Even Gaga Would Call it a “Bad Romance”

As girls, there’s one itty bitty thing that got screwed up in our chromosomes.  Any time we see a slightly attractive male we automatically throw ourselves in their direction like a piece of freakin’ meat.  We instantly get big, googly eyes, say things that we should be keeping to ourselves, and completely freak the eff out our potential soul mate.

It’s hard to remember that guys, unlike us, aren’t very complicated specimens. They typically have one thing running through their minds when they meet us (hint: it starts with an “s” and ends in “ex”), while we already have the wedding and future children’s names picked out by the time introductions are over.

We’re hopeless.  Hopeless romantics, that is.  We want a love like “The Notebook,” but it usually ends up looking more like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”…without the happily ever after.

Let’s not let Matthew McConaughey’s beautifully sculpted abs get away from us this time.  No, don’t tie your man down and lock him in your closet (unless he’s into that sort of thing).  All you have to do is avoid scaring him away. Easy, right?

Here are four things you should avoid if you want your happily ever after.

The Inevitable “Too Much, Too Soon” Question of Doom. Where do you see us going?” I just messed up on this one too so don’t feel like you’re the only one. Everything may be “X’s and O’s” before you pop the question but it’s all down-hill from there.  For some reason, guys don’t like the “C” word.  No, not that.  They love that. We’re talking about commitment here, people.  Even thinking about the word will send him sprinting for the door.  Live in the moment and enjoy being together.  You’ll eventually get to change your relationship status on Facebook, but until then, keep your mouth shut.

You’re Clingier Than Saran Wrap. You need to stop the urge to be with your boy 24/7.  If you’re constantly texting him “I miss you” anytime you’re away from him or stalking him from outside his bushes at night, you’ve gone too far.  You have to actually give him a chance to miss you.  If you don’t, he’s going to feel like he’s trapped. They will come back if you keep your distance— I promise.

Me, Me, Me. Yes, you’re pretty great, and obviously he already knows that if he’s on a date with you. That means you don’t need to tell him about all those cross country trophies you’ve got, a detailed run down of the drama in your family, or one-up everything he says with something fantastic about you. Try asking him a few questions.  Guys love talking about themselves and knowing that a girl is interested in knowing about them. There will be a time to tell him everything about you but that time doesn’t need to be now. At the bar. When you’ve just met him ten minutes ago.

Facebook Stalker. The biggest mistake of all time can be avoided by simply limiting the amount of time you spend creeping on Facebook.  Do not make a picture of you two lovebirds your profile picture before he does.  Do not wall rape him (a.k.a. fill up his whole entire wall with embarrassing posts), and don’t change your status to anything with his name in it before you’re sure things are official.  Especially do not, I repeat DO NOT, add any of his ex-girlfriends. That’s just creepy with a capital “CREEP.”

These points are the big no-no’s that can make or break a relationship.  You’re probably reading them thinking “I would never do anything like that!”…but just wait, you will.  All I ask of you is to make sure you have your man wrapped around your finger before you set your inner-freak free.  Then, and only then, will he love you for it.



  1. Elizabeth says:

    Hahaha oh my gosh these are all so true! Especially the first and last one. Those are the absolute worst things you could ever do in the beginning stages of a relationship. Been there, made the mistakes, and learned from them.

  2. non-PC much? says:

    seriously? "wall rape"? first of all that doesn't even make sense, because rape has nothing necessarily to do with multiplicity. secondly, not classy. if you're going to write something so public, put some thought into your language. it diminishes the caliber of this website.

    1. PC is overrated says:

      Sounds like somebody supports the censoring of Huckleberry Finn! Wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable!

    2. Helpful hint says:

      I agree, I really enjoyed this post but that blemish made me wince as many readers are victim of rape… it's easy to overlook since it's part of casual conversation but it makes a lot of people very uncomfortable and hurt.

  3. lucy says:

    Uh… sweeping generalisation, much? I for one have never planned my wedding and named the children I'm planning to have with a man I've only just met. Probably because that sounds like it's bordering on the psychotic. Not all women are crazy.

    1. tehrene says:

      Whoops, maybe that's just me. ;)

  4. mmogaddict says:

    "Especially do not, I repeat DO NOT, add any of his ex-girlfriends." – This REPEATED 100 times. I'm a pretty mellow guy, but if any women I was dating did somethign like this it would instantly over.

    Also as a Guy, I can tell you any DECENT guy won't mind you asking where this is going after 6~8 weeks . Before that it is premature. If he freaks out when you ask Are we together or not? / Are you serious about me? and it's like 3 months into a relationship, chances are he probably wasn't worth it, cause the only reason I guy would freak out over that is that he isn't serious about you and you're really just another notch on the bedpost.

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