It’s official. It’s effing cold out there, people. As Jay Leno so proudly stated recently; “It was so cold in Minneapolis, Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting over an open fire…” Basically, things are getting pretty desperate. And, the cold isn’t only ruining peoples social lives and baby soft skin in the midwest. People are rubbing baby oil on themselves before they go outside everywhere, because the wind is a whippin’ all across the country.
Brrrr, baby, brrrr.
Whenever I walk outside, my teeth hurt, I can’t hold a conversation past how cold I am at the moment, I go into a full state of spastic arrest whenever I get into my ice cold car, and snotsticles are starting to make my nostrils feel like Narnia. And Narnia hurts.
My Ugg boots have salt embedded into their soft skin and my hands are dry enough to pass for an old lumberjack’s. Somebody hurt Mother Nature’s feelings last year, because this year, she is a cold-hearted bitch. Who wants go to outside into that?
But, there’s hope. Remember, hope begins with small increments of positivity and optimism. If you absolutely have to go outside to go to class and/or to get drunky drunk, better make like a personal Olympic team and MOTIVATE yourself.
1. Imagine Going Outside as a Free Facial Treatment!
OK, think about it: come summer, zits are doing more popping on your face than popcorn at a movie theater. All that heat and sweat turns your face into a palette of grease! Come winter, the cold dries it all right up and if you treat your skin right, those whipping winds can actually work wonders on your mug. Whenever I go outside, I point my face towards the wind and let that natural, stabbing breeze zap all of the potential marks on my face. That makes the long walk to class (or to my car that is parked outside that I will then drive to class) so. much. easier.
2. Warm Up Before You Head Out.
Before you bear the cold, do some jumping jacks or jump rope in your kitchen. If you’re really ballsy, run around your house like a hamster and get that blood pumpin.’ Once you get outside, you won’t even notice the cold. The sweat at the nape of your neck will freeze and your heart will panic, but at least you will be warm, thoroughly worked out, and happy. (Side Note: It helps to amp up the Jock Jams on your iPod before you take the dive outside.)
3. Use Going Outside as an Excuse to Get Valid ‘Boy Help’
Need to de-frost your windows? Car stuck in a mound of snow the size of the Appalachian Mountains? Car too cold to consider starting for a nice gal like yourself? Imagine getting help from your cute neighbor or the hottie that lives in the next apartment. He will feel totally manly helping you out, and then you can treat him to a warm cup o’ thank-you-so-much-for-your-manly-arms joe afterward.
4. Do It Like an Eskimo
Who cares about being fashionable when you can be warm? Remember those turtle-fur neck thingies that you drooled on when you were little and playing outside? Find one and wear it. Throw on the earmuffs and body suit. This is not the time to be wearing out your miniskirt and 9 inch heels. Newsflash: tights do not equal pants! You wanna be warm? You’re gonna have to bundle, bitches. I’m talking look-like-an-astronaut-cuz-you’re-so-decked-out-in-hot-layers bundled. Going outside won’t be a problem. (Editor’s Note: Walking and effectively bending any extremities might be a problem…)
5. Use it as an Excuse to….Eat….A lot
Okay, how do think the squirrels survive? They stock up on acorns and gain some thunder thighs for the ride through winter. I’m not saying you have to binge, but treat yourself to some treats and pack on some heat. Once you have a few pounds worth of warmth, take the outdoors by storm. If you had one Lean Cusine, go ahead – have two. You’ll thank yourself when you are trying to survive the first five minutes in your car when the vents are kicking out cold air and your hands are sticking to the steering wheel.
6. Rub Baby Oil All Over Yourself
If you are (for some odd reason) going outside to partake in an exercise activity of some sort, rub baby oil all over your bod. While I understand life isn’t a Beyonce music video, the oil will seal all of the warmth generated from your productive body and keep you warmer. Baby oil is the North Face of toiletries. Go at it.
Got any other tips to keep warm and survive this brutal winter? Share ’em below. Seriously, do it. I have to head to class in an hour and I can’t find the motivation to get out of my bed. Heating blanket, how I love thee.