He Said/She Said: First Date Sex

[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Call me old fashioned and/or a prude (though my entire wardrobe is far from that of a convent) but I don’t really understand the whole “sex on the first date” thing.

Your mother said it, your mother’s mother said it and the mother of the guy you’re on a date with probably said it, but just in case, let me refresh your memory – “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

It’s simple. Dating is a chase. Some chase love; others chase sex. And since you don’t fall in love with every guy you date, sometimes the chase for sex wins by default.

But when the chase is over, lines are easily blurred as you spiral into uncharted territory. After the first-date hookup with a guy you really like, you get to ask yourself all those fun questions – “What now?”, “Is he going to call?”, “Should I text him?”, “Is he even interested in hanging out again?”, “Am I just a go-to booty call now?” and my own personal favorite, “If we do go out again, will he expect me to give it up every time he buys me dinner?”

I know, I know, most people will mistake my instant overflow of questions as insecurity. But insecurity and confusion are two completely separate things. I just like to know where I stand and I’d prefer that that stance not be in my date’s little black book.

If I really liked the guy and the date was amazing, I’m a believer in always leaving him wanting more. And let’s be real ladies, the longer you leave him wanting more, the more time you have to figure out if you even really want him at all. So instead of rushing into a hookup that you could regret, you can buy some time to figure out if hooking up is something you know you’ll regret.

So when is a post-first date rendezvous appropriate? When your physical attraction to your date outweighs the potential you see for a relationship with him. First date sex works best when you don’t have intentions of having a second date with the guy. If you end up being wrong about your date and continue dating and developing deeper feelings for him after your hookup then consider it a bonus.

After all, choosing a first date outfit is hard enough as it is and the last thing I want is to have to look over and see each of my carefully picked items and accessories stranded on his dirty floor an hour later.

Want to see what he said? Check out the male response at



    1. […] Check out HER response at […]

    2. Al for short says:

      These rules/dating regulations are dumb, as are all dating regs/rules. Two adult individuals should be able to do whatever they want when they wanna do it without the influence of social propriety. Or in my world that's the way I'd like it to operate.

    3. S says:

      I think that maybe this used to be the case, but with sex becoming less and less of a social stigma, sometimes the chase isn't so exciting. Guys will call girls who have sex with them on the first date, and sometimes it can even create lasting relationships.

      My blog has tons of stories of one night stands, hookups, and sex that has lead to many different types of relationships.

    4. anon says:

      You know, different milk sellers have different tactics. Some keep the milk stashed away until your desperate, and sure, that's a proven sales method–but some also give free samples. If you're a guy and you manage to sneak such a sample, and the milk is really, really good, of course you're still going to want the cow.

    5. […] For those of you who’ve already got a cute love interest. Enter: more sexy time. Forget what mom told you about giving the milk away for free, or was it eggs? Wasn’t there a cow involved in that metaphor? Ugh, we’re confused again. Take our girls advice, and then see what a dude has to say. You’d be surprised what they said. […]

    6. Brandon says:

      I completely agree. Sex on a first date really does not have much potential to go anywhere, at least for me. I'm co Pierrot against sex on the first date noam if I want a relationship to develop. I'm sure some people have no problems with it, but I think the majority of people avoid sex on a first date if it's someone they like.

    7. Anonymous says:

      I may be wrong, but are the comments saying this is dumb coming from guys?
      While there is something to be said about the fun of getting swept up in a first date, it may not always be a good idea even in terms of sexual health (STDs?).
      Aside from that, I get the same thoughts of, 'will he think that just because he's buying me dinner, I'll hop in bed with him?' In my mind, of course, this somehow turns into me believing that a guy will create a formula based off of this:
      dinner+ compliments + wine= sex

    8. […] Being easy. Referring back to the last mistake, don’t give it all up in one night.  Drinking alcohol is no excuse. If you really want things to go somewhere with this guy and want […]

    9. […] Being easy. Referring back to the last mistake, don’t give it all up in one night.  Drinking alcohol is no excuse. If you really want things to go somewhere with this guy and want […]

    10. […] Being easy. Referring back to the last mistake, don’t give it all up in one night.  Drinking alcohol is no excuse. If you really want things to go somewhere with this guy and want […]

    11. A. Me says:

      I happen to know that sex on a first date CAN lead to a lasting & meaningful relationship. I had sex with my husband on our first date, and we have been together ever since. That’s been almost 17years ago. It’s just one of those things when ya know its right, ya know its right.

    12. cutiepie says:

      everyone spare of us the stories of "i had sex on the first date and now we are married with 5 kids blah blah blah…" i mean good for you, but remember that you are the EXCEPTION, not the rule. when looking for a relationship, women should play it safe and wait until they know the guy respects and cares about them before they give it up. if a guy is willing to wait a few months before sex, he is probably in it to win it with you! of course this doesn't apply if you aren't looking for anything but a fun time with a cute boy.

      1. Christina says:

        How come you're putting all the responsibility for the continuing of the relationship on the woman's ability to abstain from sex? You seem to be assuming that women don't naturally want sex, that it'd be easy not to have sex "for a few months" even if it's with someone they want.

      2. menotyou says:

        Now wait a second – you hit in on the head there by saying "in it to win it". If a man views a woman as simply something to "win" then he's objectifying her. Why would I want a relationship with someone who views me as a reason to pat himself on the back for doing a good job of "winning" me? This nonsense of men being hunters and claiming their "prize" is why people are so confused today. Just trust your instincts, have sex for the right reasons – whatever they may be to you – and use a condom and you won't go wrong. If a relationship is TRULY meant to be, first-date sex isn't going to stop that from happening.

    13. intoyourblueeyes says:

      For first date, everything is critical…
      I was totally confused for my first date and I had sex on my first date…
      By the way, thanks for sharing…

      How To Make a Guy Fall In Love With You

    14. menotyou says:

      I'm sorry, but ANYTIME you go out on a first date – even if all you do on the date is go to the park and hold hands and drink lemonade – you are going to come home from that date thinking, 'Should I text him? Will he ever want to hang out again?'. That's called DATING. No one ever knows if a first date will lead to a second date. And if you have sex with a guy on the first date and that causes him to lose interest or respect for you, eff him – you don't need someone that narrow-minded. If two people like and respect each other as humans – not as objects – then first-date sex isn't going to sway them. It's only the shallow and dishonest guys who lose respect for women who sleep with them on the first date.

      And my question is this, if you're a guy who isn't going to respect the woman you're having sex with, then doesn't that mean you don't even respect YOURSELF?

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