So I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, but apparently Starbucks will be supersizing our iced drinks come spring. They’ll be introducing a trenta size for iced coffee. That means that you not only have another foreign word to remember when you’re ordering your tasty brew, but you’ll also be getting 31 ounces of caffeinated goodness.
Yes, it’s a coffee so large, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to see over it. But hey, I mean that’s just one con, among endless and endless amounts of pros. You thought Four Loko got you going? Think of what you can do on 31 ounces of iced caramel macchiato!
….No? Can’t think yet? Haven’t hit up Starbucks for your daily caffeine requirement? Don’t worry, we have (twice) and we’ve got 31 things you can do with those 31 ounces:
1. Do an entire semester’s worth of homework in one night.
2. Start your own sorority. You know, build the house from the ground up, petition for recognition from Pan-Hellenic, and initiate new members. You should be done before sunrise.
3. Write out 15 finals in one hour. Just think of all the Blue Books!
4. Save some money on Spring Break! No need for air fare. Just fuel up and fly on over by yourself. Just you know, pack light.
5. Set up your audition packet for The Bachelor. Be sure to include a singing number, a dancing number, your special talent, five photos of yourself, and a video of yourself crying, laughing, expressing your undying devotion for the love of your life, getting into a cat fight, and going absolutely, completely insane. Then, you know, sew six or seven pageant dresses for the cocktail parties.
6. Work on your average WPM (words per minute, yo!). They thought 100+ was good? Psh! You’re up to 1000+! Amateurs.
7. Rotate the earth backwards on its axis. What, did superman think he was special or something?
8. Facebook-stalk everyone on your floor the first night back.
9. Petition for the legalization of Four Loko. After all, look at the benefits of caffeine? It can do WONDERS!
10. Solve that whole global warming problem. A few patches in the ozone layer here, a few patches there, some repositioning of the polar ice caps, and you’re good. You might even have some spare time to grab a muffin to go with that coffee of yours.
11. Finish my senior thesis for me.
12. Pull an all-nighter to start and finish that paper. On second thought, pull an all-monther.
13. Make your own formal dress, sequins and all.
14. Enter one of those “win what’s in your cart after five minutes” supermarket contests. Then use your earnings to solve world hunger. Someone’s got to do it, right?
15. Apply for an after-school job as an auctioneer. Or the spokeswoman for the new, 2011 Micro Machines.
16. Have one of those forbidden parties at your parents’ house…and use the Trenta cup to collect all those empty cans.
17. Train for and run a marathon…in one day.
18. Have the kind of night that would make for a really awesome Morning After story.
19. Graduate a few years early.
20. Start and finish your Christmas shopping early. Like, you know, years in advance, early.
21. Run on over to Hollywood and give Angelia and Johnny a piece of your mind for being so damn sensitive.
22. Grab your boyfriend and start practicing.
23. Start your own pub crawl. Except it wouldn’t be so much a crawl as it would be a marathon. Sip. Shot. Run. Sip. Shot. Run. Anyone? Well, I’m in.
24. Spa night! Makeovers for everyone… ON CAMPUS!
25. Spend a day creating your own reality TV show! Come up with a concept. Hold auditions. Shoot the pilot and send it (or run it) on over to MTV. I’ll be looking out for your new show, College on Caffeine.
26. Spend the first few nights of classes getting your hands on all the syllabi on campus. Create a study guide for each class. Sell them to make some quick cash.
27. Revamp your wardrobe. Go through your clothes, mix and match. Try pairing some different pieces together. Plan out some outfits. For the rest of your life. Find your wedding dress, your formal dress, a few bridesmaid dress ideas for your BFFs, your child’s first Halloween costume…
28. Two words. SPEED DATING!
29. Spend a few hours organizing EVERYTHING. Clothes. Books. Files. Shoes. Trash. Food. Just clean it all up. Oh, so that’s what your floor looks like? You didn’t remember that did you?
30. Start your own nonprofit organization. Who needs Habitat for Humanity? You can build houses for the homeless. And you can do it in one night. By yourself. With your bare hands. Obviously.
31. Take on a few or fifty of our DIY yourself projects.
Oh and when you’re done, take a big-ass nap.