Gossip Girl: A New Year Doesn’t Wipe Away Old Problems

Oh, Gossip Girl is FINALLY here. How long have we waited? How many magazines have we read with pictures and captions like ‘Blake Lively taping GG in the Upper East Side’ made us squeal in excitement? How many times have we found ourselves missing Kristen Bell’s witty one-liners giving us chills up our spines? How many hours have we spent reading books (or shopping online) to pass the time on Monday nights?!

By Brittany

I know I’ve been waiting.  I’ve been waiting long and paitently for a new GG beginning.

Although GG has disappointed me in the past, I was hopeful that it would come back in all its Season 1 glory.  I could barely contain myself as the last five minutes of 90210 wrapped up just knowing what was coming next.  Gossip Girl has turned into that really flaky, hot dude I keep coming back to, hoping, praying and wishing for an hour of his time that will blow my mind.

But, like my love life, Gossip Girl failed to deliver.

I have a confession to make (that I hope eventually, everyone will forgive me for):  I kept my finger on the ‘last’ button of my remote and whenever the CW called ‘commercial’ on GG, I switched to The Bachelor.  I’m a terribly faithful GG fan, but what is a girl to do when the writers of GG are lazy sacks of crap who just keep making and breaking Dan and Serena up? I had no choice but to turn to a ton of emotional girls fighting for some Southern twang.  So Gossip Girl writers, if you’re out there, consider this a cry for help.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ALL OF THESE FAMILY ISSUES?  Gossip Girl isn’t about “family.”  I’m so sick of family brunches, family ambushes, family scandals, family incest, family internships, family fights…I want me some authentic Gossip Girl drama. The kind that involves (dare I say it) a little J.Humphrey. Because as far as I’m concerned, this show has turned into a New York wealthy version of The Brady Bunch. 

What happened to the relationship scandal?  What happened to Blair and Chuck?  What happened to Nate’s sex drive and tousled pot smoker hair?  What happened to Dan’s five o’clock shadow?  What happened to Blair’s schemes that ruined the self-esteem of her many minions?  What happened to Chuck’s horn-dog, careless swagger?  I tune into CW to watch people my age interact on the Upper East Side in scandal and Versace, not a bunch of married, recently out of jail, adults.  Why can’t Blair, Chuck, Nate and Serena go out for an old fashioned night of grilled cheese and truffles and dance on the bar named after a body part or something?

I was so bombarded with family issues in last night’s episode, I could barely focus.  And I actually yawned…twice. It’s nearly impossible for me to remember much of anything besides, duh, family, so I guess I have no choice but to talk about that.

Family Brunch
What would a Gossip Girl episode be without a family brunch?  What would a Gossip Girl episode be without a family brunch that includes an incestuous relationship? What would a Gossip Girl episode be without a family brunch where half of the family was tricked into being there?  Most importantly, what would a Gossip Girl episode be without half the family “losing their appetite” mid sip of orange juice?  Come on Van der Woodsens, those croissants look fluffy!  Eat up!

And this whole Chuck-and-Serena-against-Lily-and-the-world thing is getting old.   Something about Serena bothers me when she’s scheming away with Chuck.  Maybe it’s because I would much rather see Blair and Chuck scheming – while wearing lace panties and rolling around on satin million-thread-count sheets.

Family Jogs
One of the only things I remember about this episode was Nate running around Central Park with his horny father.  I still can’t understand why I wasted my time watching Mr. Archibald play Wii with French Maids and eat mini corndogs.  Nate, stop trying to get your Dad a job and play lacrosse or something.  What happened to the intense love you felt for Serena?  Let’s get more of that.

Family Internships
It’s finally happened. GG writers have run out of plots to create, so they’ve bent another family tie between Blair and her very own mother.  Does Blair even need to be looking for internships?  Can’t she just sit in on runway shows and start her own business with Dorota?

Family Incest
While I understand they are not blood related, Dan and Serena should not be touching each other anymore.  It was all fine and dandy when they lost their virginity under a fake snowfall.  But that was then and this is incest. I find myself rooting for Dan and Serena and it grosses me out.  And while I’m washing my hands during the commercials because I feel so nasty about it, Serena goes right ahead and dumps Dan. Who’s left, Serena? You gonna go to pound-town with Chuck?

Family Friendships
Oh, and I guess the Thorpe family is taking over the hotels in the Upper East Side. Cheers to new friends and inevitable enemies. Great, we have something to look forward to in next week’s episode. Another family. Rejoice.

Remember, GG lovers, there is still faith for a jumbo order of Gossip Girl goodness in store.  Take it from Blair: “Have a little faith and if that doesn’t work, a lot of mimosas.” So, grab some Andre and start praying.  Maybe, just maybe, GG will invite Jerry Springer to star in the next episode. We’ve gotta sort out these family issues somehow!

Until next time,

XOXO
GGRG (Gossip Girl Recap Girl)