Maxim Says the Darndest Things: February Edition

If I fell into a Dunkin Donut coma for five years and someone gave me this month’s Maxim magazine upon opening my eyes (and requesting a Boston Creme), I would immediately want a beer, a boob job, and a witty man-child that could tell me jokes all the time (or just all day during V-Day, while he fed me bites of deep dish Chicago pizza).

By Brittany

All in all, this magazine makes me want to be a brand new woman.  A woman that understands what men truly like in tools and snowmobiles, how to defeat Call of Duty Black Ops, where to find the best American bars and how to get laid and live forever.

Aren’t those things just the sneaky little tidbits every girl wants to know about…?

If I had that capacity as a women (to authentically care who the first person was to catch a touchdown at the Super Bowl) I feel like I would find so many more opportunities in life.  Opportunities that presented themselves in the form of men that wanted to worship me, that is.

If only I could spew out cool facts and advice just like Maxim does…or become as ballsy as Spanish women who, according to Maxim, are two times more likely to hit on men than American women. (Maybe it’s got something to do with their culture, but I have a feeling that has more to do with the fact that every word in the Spanish language is just sexier than their American counterparts.  Take the word ‘poop’ for example. Translate it into Spanish and – boom! – you have ‘caca.’  Instantly more sexy.  Or maybe that’s just me…) Or master the  ‘Maxim sultry pose,’ or, as I like to call it, ‘The Maxim Sauce.’  Nearly every nakie chick in the magazine encourages me to try to smile with my eyes (like Tyra taught me) and lay sideways on my bed so my thighs don’t touch and my arm flab sits effortlessly behind my rib cage.

Which, as you probably realized long before I did, is not easy. In fact, it’s down right impossible, especially as I’m reading the interview with the flawless chick in the spread to get some insight into her perfect everything and all I want to do is throw the magazine across the room when she says, “I eat like a teenage boy, so my preference at dinner is to order meat and carbohydrates. Steak is yummy.”

Are you kidding me, lacy panties?  Steak did not grant you the ability to lay in that unforgiving position and look good while doing it.

Moving on. February is my favorite month for magazine editions, especially one that caters to the confused, horny, and thriving-to-please-women manly-man.  Why, you ask?  Because Valentine’s Day opens the doors for embarrassment and rejection romance.  This month in Maxim, writers fell head over heels with giving ‘love advice’ from every saucy angle, including a list of ‘Apathetic Valentine’s Day Greeting Card Messages.’ One of my favorites included, “Settling has its advantages.” Good job, boys. But not as good as ‘The Lazy Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day.’

Mmhmm I can already tell Maxim is going to be sprinkled with some fabulous advice for men to woo their (overly emotional and sexed up) women. Can’t wait!!

Maxim Says: Buy lingerie you want to see her in.
Brittany Says: While I understand a woman should want to dress sexy for her current creme de la creme, I only see this going downhill. Fast. In fact, I’ll start this like a joke. Ahem. Is this thing on? OK, so a guy walks into a lingerie store….and comes out with…butt floss and chains?  No thanks.

Maxim Says: If you forget Valentine’s Day, write her a real, pouring your heart out love note. And make sure it’s handwritten; it shows effort and it’s very Valentine-y.
Brittany Says: I’m not the type of girl that’s going to get my butt floss in a bunch if my boyfriend forgets Valentine’s Day.  But I also wouldn’t date an idiot that is completely oblivious to V-Day vomiting all over his face from the minute the Christmas lights come down.  Save a tree and OPEN YOUR EYES, bucko.

Maxim Says: [On getting a threesome with your girlfriend on V-Day] Heel your horndog.  Don’t act too pumped that you’re bedding two women.  Yelling “who wants the boom stick first?” will make you look like a loser.
Brittany Says: If any dude is getting a threesome on Valentine’s Day with their girlfriend and another woman, I say let that freak flag fly, boys.  Because it will be in your dreams.

Maxim Says: [Cont. on getting a threesome with your girlfriend on V-Day] Make it about her.
Brittany Says: That is so sweet, I could just about poop candy hearts.   Oh, I mean ‘caca’ candy hearts.