Ask A Dude: Why Is He Treating Me Like Crap?

Dear Dude,

I’m a first year college student. I’d never been in love…until recently. I met this guy in October and he seemed like everything I always wanted–cute and smart and boy, could he make me laugh. It wasn’t long before I started seriously falling for him.

Then, the snowball began to spin out of control. I did nothing nor said nothing while he flirted with a million other girls, even though I wanted to die a little. I did nor said nothing when he asked me to be his girlfriend in November then changed his mind a few weeks later without telling me. I did nor said nothing while he was leading me on, telling me we’d have a future but never committing to me NOW.

The last time we spoke was a few days ago. He was talking about our future. The day after that, he has a new girlfriend. I’m so beyond angry at him. Part of me never wants to talk to him again, despite the fact that we were quite close. The other part is still crazy about him even after all he did to me. Everyone said to stay the hell away from him because he would break my heart. I never listened. Turns out it was true.

We’ve hooked up a few times, which makes this so much worse for me. So much more painful because I’d never done any of that stuff before him. I’d never wanted to, until him. Please, Dude, just tell me why he did this to me. I feel so horrible, like I’m not good enough. I need answers or else I’ll go insane, I know it.

Can’t Stop Crying

Dear Can’t Stop Crying,


Simple. Clean. Easy to understand.

Look, we can make the same realization a thousand times in our lives and still the knowledge doesn’t sink in. You know he’s an a**hole. He has proven himself many times over to be an a**hole. Yet you can’t let go of the a**hole. Why? Few possibilities:

1. You don’t think you can do better.
2. You don’t think you deserve better.
3. You think he acts this way because of something you’ve done.
4. You think he’ll eventually snap out of it because he convinced you once that he cared about you.

You know what the common denominator is to all of those possibilities? Your low self-esteem.

There’s a harsh reality you may need to wake up to: After letting yourself be f*&ked over so many times, it’s not all his fault. You have to own up to your end of the short end in your rear end. You didn’t listen. You kept giving him your trust without asking him to earn it. At this point, it’s not just the a**hole who’s f*&king you over, you’re f*&king yourself over.


Wakey, wakey, eggs ‘n bakey. This is your wake up call. So, WAKE UP! You feel like you’re going insane? Do you know the definition of insanity? Repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different result. According to that definition, you are acting insane. BREAK THE PATTERN!

Go out. Sign up for JDate. Lean on your friends. Take a class on campus. Get a gym membership. Go to a new coffee shop. Make a change! You make one change in your life, you find one new thing to be excited over, you indulge in one new thing that makes you happy, and you’re on the road to recovery.

Right now, you’re revolving your whole life around the pain he’s caused you and that you’re causing yourself. You feel trapped. Well, stop waiting for a hero to rescue you and be your own hero. It’s not up to him to turn your life around, it’s up to you. First step’s the hardest. But you have to take it. Snowballing starts with the falling of a single snowflake (yes, I actually just made up that ridiculous proverb).

Here’s the first step I’d recommend: Lose the a**hole’s number. The second step? Buy your friends an apology drink. Each. Third step? When he calls, don’t pick up.

It’s time to wipe your eyes and find your own two feet. Trust me, they’re right underneath you. All you’ve got to do is look down to see them, planted on the ground. So don’t get caught up in the a**hole’s BS.

F*&k the a**hole,
The Dude

[Don’t you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude’s other insights into the male mind right here.]



    1. criolle johnny says:

      REALLY like this answer! First of all, you called an a-hole an a-hole. Then you DARED to put the responsibility where it belongs … on a (gasp) WOMAN!
      If ya tell a man to suck it up and take care of his own problems, he just has to "man-up". If you tell a woman to take care of her own problems, she's a "victim".
      Throwing the bullshit flag …
      If you don't like your life, CHANGE IT! It's your life. Nobody else gets to live it, nobody else has to live it. You are responsible for it.

    2. Jessica says:

      I agree.
      It's like having a pet lion and then asking why it bites you.
      Get yourself a kitten.

    3. Amy says:

      I feel your pain hon. I just got out of a year long relationship with a guy like that. He got kicked out of school after we'd been dating for about 2 months, and yes, I stayed with him (I didn't want to be a "fair weather girlfriend"). He had several car accidents and various personal crises….I stayed with him and supported him through all of them. Why? Because it was my first real relationship and I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
      The first 6 months were great: he did nice things for me, he told me he loved me, he talked about our future. Then he started taking me for granted. Once he realized it didn't matter what happened or what he said or did, he stopped making an effort.
      He eventually broke up with me over the phone…on new years eve….
      Yeah…what an asshole.

      And the dude's advice is right on:
      #1. Delete his number from your phone (No drunk texts later)
      #2. Unfriend him or block him on facebook
      #3. Surround yourself with people who love you and make you laugh
      #4. Do all the things you've been too busy or too depressed or too tied up to do over these last few months. All those times you were hanging out with that douchebag, you could have been getting coffee with friends, or meeting new people or joining an organization.

      I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but honestly (and I tell you from personal experience) this guy just did you a HUGE favor. He showed you what an ass he is. And believe me, it's so much better to find that out now than 3 or 4 years down the road.
      Now you have the opportunity to do whatever you want! You are bound by nothing! Want to go out and get drinks with your friends? Do it! Want to flirt with tons of guys? Do it!
      This is really just the beginning of an amazing opportunity for you- You have the freedom to do whatever you want to do and become whoever it is you want to be, without having to worry about what some jerkoff thinks of you!
      Things will get better much sooner than you think, I promise you.:)

    4. Pagan says:

      Criolle Johnny – Misogynist much? Seriously, I am pretty sure women are just as capable of men of taking constructive criticism. We are all responsible for how we allow others to treat us – that goes for male and female. I don't judge all men off of what one man does and I think it's wrong for you to judge all women off one woman does. Try growing up and not hating as much. If that fails, take your meds.

    5. Stephanie says:

      This is just very comforting, I thought I was the only one, who felt so crap. Thanks alot.

    6. Bee says:

      I would be Cant Stop Crying. Amy, thank you. That makes me feel better:) I know I revolved my entire world for the last few months around him and I definitely shouldnt have. I DO feel freer now. I still miss him, but it helps knowing that there are bright sides to this. And it REALLY helps knowing that his new girlfriend looks like Mr. Ed.

    7. @psitutor says:

      Great advice Dude~ Can't Stop Crying does need to see her responsibility in the situation and to realise she is worth more than another treating her like crap.

    8. Ashleigh says:

      He will never be your boyfriend. You are just the girl who he gets his ego boost from–he loves that you love him and he feeds off of it. I've been this girl; it's awful. Don't be his ego boost anymore!

    9. intoyourblueeyes says:

      Some time love show you heven, sometimes you gonna feel hell, thats love…

      How To Make a Guy Fall In Love With You

    10. if a dude treats you this way..he genuinely DOESN'T care…simple as that…
      Let's Say You Lose Your Ass in a Freak Accident! Which would you choose Booty Pads or Butt Implants? <-Click

    11. Drizzle says:

      Yeah, can't stop crying's situation is all too common. The Dude sounds like me, and all the other dudes who consider themselves pretty good dudes when that homegirl of theirs comes crying about the guy who's treating them like shit. I used to tell myself in High School for some reason women seemed to just love assholes. I've since learned GIRLS like assholes. Real Women go for real men. To cause yourself that much pain over a guy who clearly isn't worth it is very "little girl" -like behavior. Don't waste the time, and don't give him the satisfaction of breaking your heart.

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