The Ultimate Real Housewives House
Survivor has done it. Top Chef has done it. And now it’s time for us to do it. Well, sort of.
Actually it’s more a suggestion, one we’re offering up to the Bravo powers that be because frankly, we don’t think they have the creativity necessary to come up with such a brilliant idea. Enough with the Real Housewives of New York. The Real Housewives of Atlanta. The Real Housewives of Miami. (Making its way to a TV near you very soon.) Forget cities. Think personalities.
Imagine if the women were forced to interact with Real Housewives from another show? Teresa and Lisa cooking together? Maybe Catherine helping Vicki check things off of her her bucket list? Think about these women. Think about the chaos they could cause together.
Think about all of that fake blonde hair and tan skin in one room.
The possibilities are endless here, and that’s why we’re proposing The Ultimate Real Housewives House. Only for the biggest and the best of the Real Housewives franchise. For the ones you love, the ones you hate and the ones you love to hate. Only one per city, so…who makes the cut?
Name: Teresa Giudice
City: New Jersey
Claim to Fame: Her cookbook, Skinny Italian. And all that leopard.
Words of Wisdom: “A meatball without sauce – is that even legal?”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Because she is the ultimate Jersey girl, born and raised. Who better to represent Jersey?
Name: Victoria Gunvalson
City: The O.C.
Claim to Fame: She owns a life insurance business.
Words of Wisdom: “Woo Hoo!”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Why, her awesome catch phrase, of course. And her “fierce determination,” aka her inability to admit defeat. And how she looks down her nose at all those women who don’t work (cough Teresa cough). Should keep things mighty interesting.
Name: Catherine Ommaney
City: Washington D.C.
Claim to Fame: She’s British. That’s enough.
Words of Wisdom:”I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: She’s
a bitch British and she’s a party girl. She’s a British party girl!
Name: Lisa VanderPump
City: Beverly Hills
Claim to Fame: Actress? Restaurant owner? She does it all, even if we don’t notice.
Words of Wisdom: “In Beverly Hills it’s who you know, and I know everyone.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Because in my mind, with Lisa comes Jiggy. And with Jiggy comes Vicki’s claws as, in a white wine induced fit, she tears that little pup apart and eats him for dinner.
Name: Jill Zarin
City: New York
Claim to Fame: Her advice book, Secrets of a Jewish Mother.
Words of Wisdom: “If I start feeling jewelry, you might feel something good later.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Because she has some awesome one liners. Because she runs with a fabulous circle of people. Because we want to see how some other fabulous people respond to her awesome one liners.
Name: Kim Zolciak
Claim to Fame: Tardy for the Party? Google Me? I’m sorry, are these songs?
Words of Wisdom: “People call me a gold digger but they just want what I have.”
What Makes Her Ultimate Material: Anything to get her to stop trying to become a singer, please.
Please take note; these are not necessarily our favorite housewives. We’re not claiming they’re the best or the brightest. We’re just putting out there how absolutely hysterical it would be to see this particular group of women in the same room. (A Kim Zolciak and Jill Zarin showdown, maybe?) Just think about all the cat fights, all the broken nails. All the wasted hair spray…
So what do you think, girls? Which women would be BFFs and which would be mortal enemies? And maybe the more important question, in what city should the ultimate housewives house be?