Jersey Shore: The Punch Heard ‘Round The Boardwalk

January 28, 2011 9:30 am     Posted in Buzz, Entertainment, HaHa  Melanie - Northeastern University g+ page


By Melanie

Let’s just say, we were all very, very excited about this episode. We all saw the clip of Sammi Psycho… I mean, Sweetheart, punching Ron-Ron square in his nasty mouth. We were at the edge of our seats waiting for her to leave or some big, climactic blowout…that ended with her leaving So did it happen? You be the judge of this week’s J. Shore Fairy tale.

Once Upon a Time, we are brought back to the greasy, dirty (city? town? state?) Kingdom of Long Island (why God, why?)… the land of disasters and stolen beds. Our heroines, Snookers and JWoww are raiding what Tom’s left in the house. Stealing a BED? Chop his nuts off, Snook! The princesses collect Jenni’s 17 fluffy puppies and bring them back to the Sleazeside Heights Palace.

Amidst all this, Ryder (who should be on the show instead of Deena) arrives before Snooki. Vinny answers the door and it’s “awkward” since he was caught by Miss Snooki fornicating with her bestie. He reminds us of what Snook heeded him: “Do not have sex with my best friend.” Conflicted, Vinny responds, “I don’t know what to do at this point…” Uh, how about don’t have sex with her best friend? The Dragon Deenasaur decides to play Fake Snooki so she and Rrrrryder claim that 11 AM is the new happy hour and down shots of all sorts of mystical elixirs.

Since it is Ryder’s 22nd birthday, what better place to celebrate the momentous occasion than Club Karma, the finest ballroom scene in the land of New Jersey. Deenasaurus dons a tiara made of plastic flowers and ”my friend Bjork” (aka JWoww) looks like a castoff from the Swan Queen: Asbury Park Edition. Ronald succumbs to his fatal last words to “Mike’s girlfriend, “Lemme see you get krunk,” and Sammi flies off into a fit of jealous rage, scowling with her ceiling eyes in full force. Attractive.

The Capulets are on guard of their precious Gina, because we all bring our uncles to Karma, while Vinny Montague “or whatever” tries to court her. They all come home for a dignified feast of pizza, wishing only that someone remembered to bring the Ninja Turtles dishware. What a tragedy.

Miss Sammi Scummer is quite intoxicated and accuses Ron Roid of touching other girls. She walks out and Ron decides that he’s just about had enough of Sam’s short shorts and tank tops, hurling them around the room in some hormone (‘roid?) driven rage. Sam returns with a slice of pizza for Ronald and he spits in her face, ”I’ve done nothing but take care of you”… but she brought you pizza? This enrages Ron further. “Not a f*cking protein shake….a piece of pizza!” The nerve. The nerve! He dismisses her, “Your tears mean sh*t to me.”

When Situation disappears with two less-than-favorable mistresses, THE GRENADE WHISTLE comes into play. DJ Pauly and Vinny spring into action, warning the village of impending grenades on the shore. Mike, horrified, immediately turns the grenades loose upon realizing they are nothing more than peasant grenades while the Capulets appear in button downs and sunglasses to collect Nicky Duck or Gina or whatever that lady’s name was.

Sammi packs her things, Ronnie and JWoww hold each other in a tender embrace while Ron weeps like a schoolgirl. “I did nothing wrong,” he wails while JWoww assures him that he really is just a great guy. Situation decides to let Sam know of this misdemeanor and feigns searching for a condom that he doesn’t use/need/can’t find in the MTV sponsored megapack that they have in the bathroom, and let’s her know that her man Ronald is talking to Sam. Gasp, horror.

“ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HER?!”

*KAPOW* a punch is thrown straight to the kisser.

Sammi tries to leave, the gang convinces her to stay (not sure why), everyone surprises Ryder with a cake (AHHH!), and Sammi and Ron cuddle and tell each other how much they love each other. Normal. Ryder departs. Bye Ryder? Oh we forgot you were here… wish you were replacing Sam! Too bad she didn’t actually leave!  Snooki and Vin set up a stripper pole and Ron observes, “Coooool it’s like Christmas.” I guess it’s like that. We then discover that Deena likes to bleep Fake Ronnie’s bleep and are horrified by the prospect. Too bad we still don’t know what it means.

Finally, things come back to calm at Karma (which is a bitch, by the way). Sam and JWoww go to the bar together, despite Sam momentarily thinking JWoww is a cocktail waitress and she assures Jenni, ”I’m done with the mean bone in my body…” Okay, so why are you still sleeping with Ron? They conclude that they are now friends, Sammi finally cracks a smile for the first time in three seasons and they all live happily ever after.

The End.

12 Comments on "Jersey Shore: The Punch Heard ‘Round The Boardwalk"

  1. Sarah R. Olsen says:
    Fri, 28th Jan 201112:11 pm 

    Apparently, Deena likes to "toss the salad" – a.k.a.: lick his butt. That's what they were bleeping out, fyi.

  2. Shi Yüan says:
    Wed, 2nd Feb 20111:20 pm 

    Even after watching the episode, this is still a pretty good read

  3. Hehateme says:
    Wed, 2nd Feb 20112:46 pm 

    I thought if a person assaults another person, charges are pressed and someone goes to jail. Or is this a man only law.

  4. johny not biachhhi says:
    Thu, 3rd Feb 20118:22 pm 

    Yet again,the media has a diff. standard.—first of all "exuse me" but they are all losers that I'd have arrested-cheap,fake,scumbags-oh gosh have they just come to my jersey flea market table—-oh gosh They are so celebrity—–please skip and spit on these bags of issues—–would you waste even a tampax on them if you were in seaside during filming——-bag these biatches they are really a wste o sperm and time——-

  5. Dory Nordlinger says:
    Sat, 5th Feb 20117:02 am 

    Jeez, in defense of NJ, can I just inform all that none of these morons are actually from NJ and nobody in NJ behaves in this manner; except the sheep who do it to emulate this idiocy? Please…do not blame they on us! We gave you Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen and Kevin Smith!! Can't you just be happy for that?

  6. @Cashman7323 says:
    Tue, 8th Feb 20119:17 am 

    The girl can throw a punch. That was no sissy slap.

  7. Puzzled says:
    Tue, 8th Feb 20119:34 am 

    … What actually happened in that episode? Because it seems like there was a lot of furniture theft and time travel and grenades and Shakespeare. I'm terribly confused. Do you hate Sammi and want her gone, or do you feel sorry for her for having a crap boyfriend? Please, for your next article, just deal with one event at a time, and try to stick to less complicated jokes that don't fall flat.

  8. tobey james says:
    Tue, 8th Feb 20112:54 pm 

    Man hits chick, no matter how much she deserves it, he gets arrested and goes to jail. Right Snooki? Jersey Shore producers and cast owe that guy their success. But girl hits guy, Teen Mom or Jersey Shore, he's supposed to stand there and take it. And the girl is justified. MTV sucks.

  9. Jim says:
    Tue, 8th Feb 20118:55 pm 

    These low rent guineas are the same whether theyre from brooklyn, jersey or LI. They are ignorant classless low lifes that think they are better than any other ethric or racial group but are too stupid to realize they are at the bottom of the food chain.

  10. sonnieC says:
    Wed, 9th Feb 20117:35 am 

    How come there isn't any more news about the little pygmy snookie is she still on the so called show?

  11. Kellyann says:
    Wed, 9th Feb 201110:23 am 

    I, also was under the same impression. Assault is assault regardless of the gender(s) involved. As a grown woman, I feel it absolutely disgusting that there is such a abhorrent double standard. In my opinion, when any woman hits or even worse, falsely, accuses a man of rape, they should be penalized as any man WOULD be. Violence is wrong regardless if it is a man or woman committing the act-or making up a sick story. I am a rape survivor-I was 16-and it is absolutely gut wrenching for me when I hear about ANY women lying about that or assaulting another person. Why anyone would make something like that up is beyond my comprehension. The girl in the above video should have been arrested-just as a man would have been. The longer they get away with this nonsense, the sooner they WILL hit a man who WILL beat the living hell out of them-Im NOT wishing that upon anyone, it is just my opinion.
    As far as the remark regarding Long Island, just as ANYWHERE in our great country, in our world, there are crappy places and people. I was born and raised on LI and Im very proud of that-take the time to see the true Island not the bs being shown on TV.

  12. Hehateme says:
    Thu, 10th Feb 20114:32 pm 

    Hi Kellyann, it's refreshing to hear from someone with good common sense now days. Not only was this a "abhorrent double standard," it's sending a horrible message to young kids. My neighbor son came home with a black eye he got from a girl, and not only was he humiliated, but also furious enough with her to do some serious damage. I'm sorry to hear about your assault at 16, but I'm ecstatic to hear that you chose to be a survivor. I hope one day you, I, and many others can create a serious counter plan to ignorance and violence against humanity. Women and girls can mane, injure, and kill, a person just as easy as a man can and this needs to be understood sooner than later. Stay strong and positive. Society needs more women like you.

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