This Just In: Guys Look at Themselves Through Beer Goggles
Beer Goggles. Unfortunately, anyone who’s ever gone to bed with Justin Timberlake and woken up next to Jesse Eisenberg knows the curse of beer goggles all to well. But did you know that we’re not the only ones who sport them as our number one accessory on a Saturday night? Yeah, turns out, guys are falling victim to their powers of evil, too…
Yup, a study has surfaced that shows that the drunker a guy gets, the sexier he thinks he is. And after reading the results of this study, I have to say, it all makes perfect sense. Just think about the last time you were around a group of drunk dudes; (Wait…this morning? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?) I’m sure you noticed them all getting a little more…er…comfortable with themselves as the night went on.
Too drunk to pay attention? Don’t worry, I’ve got a handy little guide to help you understand just how thick those goggles are:
0 drinks: The guy causally bumps into you and catches your eye when you turn around. An adorably natural smile ensues.
1-2 drinks: As you shove through the crowd to order a round of drinks for your girls, the guy gives you the “eye” across from the bar. And holds it. A little too long.
2-3 drinks: The guy saddles up next to the bar, arms casually splayed behind him. As anyone with ladyparts gets anywhere near him, he puffs out his chest, introduces himself, then throws out every Anchorman quote he knows.
3-4 drinks: He’s got the collar on his Ed Hardy button-down popped as he swaggers around the bar, giving “the nod” to every girl that looks his way.
4-5 drinks: He puts his hand on the small of your back, completely interrupting the deep conversation you were having with your friends (deep conversation=screaming out lyrics to Miley Cyrus), to escort you to the dance floor.
5 drinks: He comes up behind you on the dance floor and starts grinding on you. Without a word.
5-6 drinks: He offers you a ticket to the gun show.
7-8 drinks: He’s looking at himself in every shiny surface. Then giving himself a knowing grin.
8-9 drinks: He’s the guy in the middle of the dance floor with his groin shoved into a girl’s back – swaying back and forth in a rhythm completely opposite to what is blaring from the speakers – sweat soaking the back of his extra-tight t-shirt.
9-10 drinks: He’s got his shirt off, is humping you against a wall and keeps screaming something in your ear about going back to his dorm room to “see how sturdy my loft is.”
10+ drinks: He just puked under the bar…and still approaches you and asks you to go home with him.