Ask a Dude: Can a Virgin Ever Find Love?

Dear Dude,

I’m a college sophomore and still a virgin.  I’ve had my fair share of “almosts” and do enjoy the occasional heavy petting but I have yet to go “all the way.” I’m not waiting for marriage but I am waiting for a serious relationship with someone I can trust. I used to be confident in my decision (I mean, so what?) and felt no pressure to lose my virginity but lately I’ve been feeling like being a virgin is hurting my chances of finding that someone.

The problem is the handful of boys that I’ve started relationships with in college (emphasis on the word started because it never gets very far) initially say they respect the fact that I am a virgin. However, when that boy finds out that I’m REALLY not going to have sex with him (like never, ever) I don’t hear from him again. And when I try to hide the fact that I’m a virgin guys get mad at me for being a “tease” and disappear, too.

So basically I don’t want to lose my virginity because I’m waiting for “the right” relationship but I feel like being a virgin is preventing me from having ANY relationship. It’s a never ending cycle! Everyone around me is telling me to stick it out and wait for “the one,” but the thought of going through my college career without a real relationship is depressing. So dude, why do guys run away when they find out I’m a virgin? How does a virgin get a guy to stick around? Should I just give it up and get it over with? Or should I start filling out applications for the nearest nunnery?

Not Necessarily DTF

Dear Not Necessarily DTF,

If you don’t want to lose it, don’t lose it. I’m pro-choice, not just when it comes to abortion or virginity but in terms of life. There’s always a choice. What’s unfair is when it feels like the choice you’re making is depriving you of something you want. Which sounds like the dilemma you’re dealing with.

Guys “run” from virgins for a few different reasons and myths: they don’t feel confident enough to be the sexually more experienced partner (because some of them barely have more than you), they’re afraid that a virgin will be bad in the sack (a harsh judgment, but one many a frat boy has made) and then there’s the responsibility factor. When a guy has a choice of taking a girl’s V-card there’s something in them that provokes the thought, “do I want to be somebody’s first?”

For the guys who don’t want a relationship, they might be scared that being someone’s first will automatically give the girl the impression that they’re in a relationship. In this peon’s brain, sex automatically equals commitment.

Another question of responsibility is whether the guy feels comfortable being the measuring stick for the rest of the girl’s life. They think that’s a lot of weight on their shoulders. Again, this is a guy who is NOT looking for a relationship, just a hook up.

The aforementioned 2 examples are acting out of ego and crappy juvenile knowledge gained at their 8th grade lunch table. Like that Mountain Dew reduces sperm count.

Now there is the opposite type of mental midget: the guy who flocks toward virgins. This specimen loves nothing better than to plant his flag. In fact, he plants his flag everywhere he can and sees it as a benevolent act. This is also a creature to be weary of and avoided if what you want is something serious. Handle with latex gloves and a Hazmat suit at all times.

If you put value on your purity (to use a euphemism straight from Sophocles), then treat it with the appropriate value. I’m not saying keep your standards unreasonably high, demanding an IQ, blood, driving, or DNA tests and having them display a detailed financial portfolio with his 5 year plan outlined in Calibri font. But don’t lose it for the sake of losing it. You’re devaluing yourself and it’s a decision that will nag at you, most likely, for the rest of your life, certainly having consequences on the next guy you get involved with.

Lying isn’t the answer either. I’ve written in other columns dealing with the “should I/shouldn’t I” question that lying denotes shame and you need not be ashamed of being a virgin. There are a lot of people in their early 20’s with their virtue intact. So don’t feel alone.

The best thing I can say is this: those who pressure you for something you clearly don’t want to do are not acting out of affection for you. Negative influences like those needed to be confronted and told to chill the f*&k out and let them worry about their own sex lives instead of yours.

You’ve got to make the decision as to who the “right” guy is. I recommend someone who you trust and makes you feel comfortable. A guy like that is out there and if you’re not finding him, it’s probably NOT just about you being a virgin.

Keeping the torch lit,
Marathon Dude

[Don’t you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude’s other insights into the male mind right here.]



    1. beware of a holes says:

      Wait for the right person! You will know when it is right. Good for you for not giving in! It's not weird to be a virgin your sophomore year of college. I was too! Unfortunately I fell for a flag planter/ virgin flocker. We had been dating for 5 months, and I believed we were in a committed, trusting, and loving relationship. After we had sex, he dumped me. Apparently he had done that to a lot of people. Seems like a lot of time to put in if that's all you want from somebody. Be careful who you give it to….people can be assholes.

    2. just give it up says:

      I was a virgin until my junior year of college, then met a super hot guy one night while i was abroad and gave it up in a one-night stand. i came back to school the next semester and had great sex without the fear of the whole virgin thing getting in the way, and don't regret it for a second. i didn't tell him it was my first time, and he didn't know– it would have made the whole thing weird. really, your virginity isn't a big deal, it's far more important to be comfortable in hookup situations, enjoy yourself and not have to worry than to suffer until you find that special someone because of society's weird chick-flick ideal of losing your virginity being meaningful.

      1. dee says:

        Chick flicks don't promote that… if anything it's like: Love at first sight, kiss, sex, the end.

        Seriously, don't have sex unless you want to. My friends have all lost their virginity and a few of them really regret losing it the way/time/place/person they did. I'm a second year in University and I'm still a virgin and proud. If a guy wants to have a relationship without the promise of sex, then that's a guy worth keeping.

        So if you wanna have sex, do it. If you don't, you'll find someone who'll wait until you're ready and love you anyways.

      2. Alison says:

        I did that too! I mean, I wasn't abroad while it happened. But I gave my virginity to a hot guy and it was a one night stand. I never told him I was a virgin. Why bother?

        Sex is sex whether it's your first or last time.

      3. rosie says:

        how were you able to not tell him you were a virgin?? wasn't it painful?

      4. johnny says:

        Thnk god for girls like you or guys like me would never get laid. why waist time and effort when there's plenty of chicks who don't care to be more than f*cktoys? i love the sexual revolution makes pumping and dumping so much easier. You dont even have to respect a girl anymore to get into her pants. a little lpr +gtl and im game.

      5. criolle johnny says:

        Let's make it clear that "johnny" is NOT "criolle johnny". I know the difference between "waist" and "waste". I also know how to start a sentence with a capital letter.
        I have also previously mentioned that the person beside you (in or out of bed) is a reflection of your own self-image. If you're sleeping with "pump & dumps" or "toys", you have no self respect.
        In such a situation, BOTH parties need to grow up a lot. PLEASE (both of you) use birth control.

    3. rox says:

      Um, as a girl, (and not a promiscuous one, I just enjoy sex) I would never date a guy who intended never to sleep with me. So… goes both ways. They aren't necessarily assholes, they just want to have sex with the person they are dating. That isn't exactly rude…

      1. Colette says:

        There's nothing wrong with waiting to have sex with the right person. This person simply doesn't want to be expected to put out. I'm glad I waited as long as I did because my current boyfriend is fantastic and my last one turned out to be cheating on me. It would've been awful to give something I considered special to someone who was a liar and a cheater.
        Anyways, not everyone dates to have sex. Some people can actually like each other without it.

    4. lolaisforlovers says:

      I was in your position! I actually just lost my virginity a few months ago as a junior and I was working under the same mindset as you. I really wanted to be able to say that I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, not some guy. And I almost did lose it to some guy and I'm thankful that I didn't. If you're waiting this long, it's clearly something you value, and shouldn't necessarily be treaded with lightly. I understand your frustration: It seems like nobody wants to stick around long enough if you're not going to have sex right away but that might be a good thing! It seems like you're looking for a relationship based on something deeper than sex anyway and guys worth having those with you need to weed through a little longer to find.
      Just stick it out, have fun with other things and you'll find that special someone:)

    5. jess says:

      it's ok, i was like that too! i'm a sophomore too, and i actually just lost it to my boyfriend a couple months ago. i wasn't necessarily looking for "the one" but i didn't want to lose it to some guy either. we hadn't been going out very long, only a couple months, but i just knew that i could trust this guy and i was and am very happy that i made that choice. let's put it this way, there is a reason you've "almost" had sex numerous times, again i was like that too. those almosts were probably because you didn't trust the guy or feel comfortable with him. that's ok. there will be a guy, maybe not the one, but a guy that won't judge you for being a virgin and i'm sure you'll be happy with your decision:)

    6. intoyourblueeyes says:

      Thats not big deal, I was also a virgin until my 2nd year of college. Fortunately, I got Virgin partner for me, he he…
      Then we both tried and have a long sex life until today….
      Don't worry, its just kind of weird feeling of first time with hesitation…
      It will gone soon…

      How To Make a Guy Fall In Love With You

    7. […] So I haven’t really updated you guys on what’s going on in my own life in a while. I’m consciously trying to put Frodo out of my mind which is working out nicely so far. I went to the first week of school- there’s two cute guys in two different classes (maybe three). I talked to one of them a few days ago and called him by the wrong name (yikes). I sense that the second one is interested because I’m the only person in that class who bothers socializing with the people around me but it’s sketchy- but I catch him looking at me once every class and after that, he seems to deliberately avoids my gaze although he always looks up whenever I talk to anyone around him. Weird (he’s so hot). Other than that, I’m getting into a dangerous situation with an ex-boyfriend of a friend who are both gems but they hate each other and my friend is not amused that I’m talking to him. They broke up while I was away and I never wanted to know what happened. I became closer friends with him after the break up (we were never great friends before). He’s super cute too and though I could imagine banging him (yes, that cute), we have nothing in common and I’d never date him. I made the mistake of getting drunk this summer and telling him how hot I thought he was. He’s been hitting on me ever since- even in the presence of his ex-girlfriend which is so uncomfortable. But I’m sticking to the chicks b4 dicks rule even though I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t do the same for me- plus, let’s get real. What am I going to do with him? An inebriated make out session? Yay to making things even more uncomfortable. Why do these things always happen to me? — This blog has churned out a few really great “relevant links” posts in the past month. But here’s some more for ya… I was doing an interview with Rachel Hills. She’s a journalist who has really focused in on modern sexuality and the dating scene. While reading through her blog, there were few posts on late virginity and singlehood that I thought you guys should check out: The ‘V’ Word Single figures Why it pays to be picky Defeat the fear that keeps you single —- The Dude on College Candy answers the question: Can A Virgin Ever Find Love? […]

    8. Paola says:

      Omg! I’m a sophomore in college and a virgin, too! My advice is NEVER do it just yo do it. You’ll regret it sooner or later. Don’t dispair! I’m sure you’ll someday find a nice guy you’ll like well enough to feel comfortable doing it with. Why don’t you try taking your time to focus on your studies, family, friends and other things that are important to you? Maybe you need a rest from all the pressure you’re getting from guys to do it. Take your time to think it through (without a horny guy on the bed waiting for you to make up your mind). Let it be YOUR decision, not his. You’ve made it this far, I’m sure you can wait a little longer for the right guy to come around. Have a little hope (and this is coming from a girl like you that hasn’t even been kissed!:) Whether you decide to do it tonight, tomorrow, weeks / months / years from now, make sure you came to the right decision and it becomes a moment you feel proud of:)

    9. […] Does respecting the V-card mean giving up on love? This should be a no-brainer, but not necessarily. Ask a Dude, get a Dude’s answer. – College Candy […]

    10. ghost writer says:

      i'm a virgin and i am going to save it for someone i really in love with. :)

    11. […] Ask a Dude: Can a Virgin Ever Find Love? ( […]

    12. Mich says:

      I am a little older than a lot of the posters, so I have more perspective. Eventually, most of you will want to get married and stay married. Before you have sex, think hard about your future husband or wife and how they will feel about your sex life. The more sex partners one has before marriage, the more likely one will divorce. You bond with your sex partner and everytime you break up with a sex partner, your ability to bond is diminishted. Value yourselves and your long-term happiness. Also, no one seems to remember that sex can and often does lead to pregnancy, regardless of whether "protection" is used. Before you have sex, think about whether you want to have a child with that person. Also, do you really want to risk having a child without the commitment of marriage. The only people I know who have no regrets are the ones who waited until they were married to have sex. All my friends who did that are happily married, none of the others are as happy.

    13. Mari says:

      wow!!! i am 21 and I am a virgin too!!! Thanks for the post.. and the advice… this sounds a lot like my life haha..:)

    14. rawr says:

      I'm a senior in college, and I'm still a virgin. Don't just give it someone, give it to someone who you love and loves you back:)

    15. hgtfrdeswaq says:

      I wouldn't take your virginity. I would kiss your neck, and caress your stomach, and get you all excited. "Here, look, I have a vibrator" I say. "No, keep your pants on, because it works through clothes" I say. The intense vibrations get you damn hot and very aroused. I pinch your nipples, and rub your stomach. Now, after a dozen times like this, you take you pants off, because I tell you that we will not have sex. The vibrator goes right on your clitoris and you have an intense climax, that almost makes you scream. Next time, the vibrator gets you started, and then the hot little licks finish you off. That makes you go into convulsions, as you climax. Later, we can try spankings and bondage and maybe ever erotic anal play. After a while, you will play with me, and make me climax too, using your hands. Yet, after all of this, you are still a virgin. Funny, though, because your sex life is easily more fulfilling than the sex that all of your slutty girlfriends are getting. You are receive LOTS of very intense climaxes, every week. And, you get LOTS of kindness and affection, with each session. But, even after all of this, you are still a virgin!
      Huh, go figure!

    16. staystronggirlie! says:

      I'm a girl, 22 years old, and I've been going to University for FOUR YEARS! (Don't know 'what' that makes me – sophmore, freshman, too-dang-old-to-be-going-to-University/College?) And guess what? I'm STILL a virgin! (Even more, I haven't even been 'kissed' yet!) I haven't found the right guy yet – by FAR – either, I don't see what all the 'hoop-la' is about over losing something that can only be given once. You REALLY want that one time to COUNT – a lot (possibly permanently, if he's the right guy, who knows?).
      If ANYONE makes 'fun' or criticizes or tries to belittle or pressure you into doing something you don't want to do BEAT THEM WITH A STICK! Okay, maybe not 'that' extreme, but if anyone tries to 'force' you to have sex when you're 'really' not sure you want to, that's a CLEAR sign that something's SERIOUSLY wrong with them; and the friendship you 'supposedly' have with them if they feel they can get away with that.

      Note: the 'no kissing' part is because I was likely WAY too focussed (and still am) on my school so I really didn't have TIME to 'waste' having a relationship. Now, I'm a lot more open to the possibility.😉 And no, I am no 'ugly', 'fat' or anything society deems as "negative", really. Actually, I think I'm 'quite' physically attractive (not to mention a LOT smarter than most of the incompetent, juvenile people I'm surrounded by).

      Stressed or not, STAY STRONG, don't WORRY about what other people think. The ONLY opinion that 'really' matters to you is YOURS. Your own. Again, Stay strong.😉 The time will come if you want it to.

    17. Christian says:

      hi i know wut your going through and its the same for very few guys too me personaly i am a guy 20 years old im a virgin too and i have not met a woman in person that doesnt want sex in these time most people only want sex and it is rediculus if you ask me and i aplaud you that you want to stay a virgin and i dont think you should change for anyone stay true to your self and keep you beliefs there isnt many people like us left but i trust that you will find the right person and i believe we need more people like you

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    20. Sylvia says:

      Am 22yrs old and still a virgin, thanks for ur advice. I really like this thread

    21. College Girl says:

      Ug. I'm different from all of you. I don't want a relationship. I just want a guy that can be a fuck-buddy. But like I'm too ugly. Like…it's not even that I'm a slut and want to sleep with everyone. I want to lose my stupid virginity and I don't care about being with someone 'special' as long as they treat me okay in bed. Isn't that what may guys would like. But nooo, I have to be fat 'and' ugly and therefore I either have to lower my standards way down or be some drunken mistake. It sucks so hard.

    22. vishi says:

      iam 24 and still a virgin..iam dating a guy ..tis been more than a month now…we love to kiss, hold hands but thats that…we are not in love…well iam not in love but i do like the guy….love some of the things about him…..wat iam saying here is….being a virgin is a big challenge…dont give into it….the guy will only benefit while your self-esteem will go down the drain pipe…..have patience even though it may suck……….u are strong….independent…..confident….

    23. Proud says:

      this is literally the talk i needed. i understand that he he disappears.. he was in it for your vagaina NOT YOU! But like someone above stated. this world is OBSESSED with sex.. we need to figure out what love is and what other things are out there.

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