Seventeen Says The Darnest Things: Spring Break Edition

Candy Dish: Yeah, It's THAT BadCandy Dish: Yeah, It's THAT Bad
Gossip Girl: Two Birds, One Bass, Another 'Blah' Hour of GGGossip Girl: Two Birds, One Bass, Another 'Blah' Hour of GG

This month’s Seventeen cover was completely unlike any other I’ve ever seen. You see, normally the covers include one headline about how to look CUTE!, another about how to look NATURALLY PRETTY, and one that’s included to entice scandal-seeking teens (previous examples: “The Real Deal About Porn.” ) All of these headlines are generally splashed in neon colors over the smiling face of a tween celebrity who completely fascinates me (previous examples: Leighton Meester, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez).

This month however, was different.

This month, Seventeen did one article about looking CUTE, one about looking NATURALLY PRETTY, and one about being videotaped topless (my need for scandal is soooo satiated.) Only this time, the cover girl was someone I know very little about: Miranda Cosgrove. So after getting past my disappointment about the lack Gossip Girl cast members in this month’s issue, I started to flip through.

First I saw this cute Material Girl top which I considered buying – until I saw the picture’s caption: “Miley would totally wear this.” Yeah man, I flipped that page reaaaallll quick, at which point I came upon something pleasantly surprising. Something that made me tip my fedora to the staff at Seventeen: a section on real life girl crushes. Growing up, it’s difficult to differentiate between an innocent admiration of another girl and a full-blown attraction and this article is the kind that can make a young girl feel like either way, what she’s feeling is okay.

…And then they went and ruined it by publishing some seriously stupid quotes from guys. One example? “If a girl gives me more than three hickeys in one hookup session I’m not going to call her again – it basically means she’s slutty.” This is why I hate boys. And hickeys. Also, they published something about a guy who steals things from girls he hooks up with and hangs them up on his wall. Weird.

But the most ridiculous stuff this month came from an aticle about the dangers of Spring Break in Panama City. The article was called “The Sketchiest Spring Break In America” and while it did have some really useful tips on avoiding dangerous situations (which is something we should all take very seriously), it also reeked of Seventeen’s trademark earnest oblivion. Some examples?

Seventeen Says: “With all this scary stuff, you have to wonder why girls keep going back. ‘It’s impossible to get bored. There’s glow-in-the-dark mini golf, Jet Skiing, and go-kart racing.’”
Zara says
: Yeah….I’m pretty sure college girls aren’t going on Spring Break for the glow-in-the-dark mini-golf and various adventure sports. How do you expect anyone to take you seriously when you are so blatantly out of touch with reality?!

Seventeen says: After Mike poured each girl a shot, they asked for a couple more. “We didn’t want to look like wusses.”
Zara says: Okay, drinking to impress a group of guys is a bad idea no matter where you go. It really has nothing to with being on Spring Break. And where’s the advice on not taking drinks from strangers, not taking a drink you didn’t see poured, not picking your drink up after you put it down and walk away!?

Seventeen says: “When a situation is sketchy, we say ‘space jelly.’ That’s our cue to go.”
Zara says: Subtle. Real subtle.

Seventeen says: “Never let a friend go off with a sleazy guy – no matter how much she’s into him.”
Zara says: That’s great advice…but do you have any advice for being labeled “cockblock” until the end of your trip? Because when that happens, and it will, it would be nice to know how to rectify the situation and save the trip.

Oh Seventeen, I know you’re trying but if you’re gonna half-ass the advice, just don’t give it at all!


Comments