Sexy Time: Bedroom Faux Pas

I think it’s safe to assume that after a few years of sexual activity, most people have a few “oh god” stories of bedroom disasters. These are the ones that make it into the “it doesn’t count” category. You know, when something happens that, you know, just shouldn’t have happened.

When you throw two naked and probably a little awkward (or drunk) young adults into a bed together, hilarity and embarrassing moments are sure to ensue. We’ve all experienced it, hell, we may have even been the perpetrators of some unappealing bedroom behavior.

So here it is, a list of the most frequently committed bedroom faux pas to be avoided by everyone. We all know accidents can happen, but let’s do our best to avoid them, shall we?

48 Hour Rule.
I think it’s a pretty fair rule of thumb that no one’s genitals be expected in another’s mouth if personal hygiene has not been tended to in the last 48 hours. No, I don’t think genitals are “icky,” but a good shower seems like common courtesy.

Trash Can Condoms.
If you’re a single lady who is enjoying some NSA booty every once in a while (or a lot, whatever), for the love of all things holy, please empty your trash as much as possible. There is NOTHING sexy about going to throw a condom (or dental dam) in the trash and seeing a previously used one… from someone else.

I can’t say it enough, don’t ever fake it. No one likes being lied to, and a bit of an ego bruise is worth the truth. If it’s not happening, it’s not happening — you shouldn’t feel the need to lie about it.

Business Socks.
You can blame Flight of the Conchords for this one, but dirty socks should be taken off before everything else. If your underwear is off, your socks should be too. Also, as my best friend pointed out, make sure the sock you duct tape into your (consenting) partner’s mouth isn’t the same one you’ve been sweating in all day long. Ew.

A rose by any other name…
It’s hilarious as a scene in a rom-com, but in real life, calling out the wrong name is certainly not so sweet. C’mon ladies, keep the Johnny Depp fantasies in your head, please.

The Blame Game.
Sometimes sexual organs don’t work the way they are intended. Penises remain flaccid and vaginas are as dry as the Sahara. That does not give anyone the right to blame their partner for their failure to perform. Just smile, say it’s not working, and flick on The Office. Or better yet, offer up some no-need-to-reciprocate love. Or do both at the same time — everyone wins.

What are the biggest bedroom faux pas you’ve encountered? Let it all out; we’re here for you.

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  1. […] • Bedroom mistakes you don’t want to make […]

  2. […] Here’s a list of 6 frequently-committed bedroom faux pas. Got any to add? – College Candy […]

  3. Nick says:

    well when I put my tongue in her ass before we finished eating at the restaurant apparently was a poh fax.

  4. clinton says:

    I had hot dirty man on man with a traveling business man in Dallas and 2 seconds after he "peaked" He cried out "What have I done?" and began to weep. Save your repressed sex breakdown, til after the stranger you just tricked out on your family with has LEFT. I still made pay me the 50 bucks. lol J/k

  5. Cameran says:

    cumming on a girls chest and the licking it and trying to kiss her is NEVER okay…matter of fact I've been having nightmares about it. So please, don't every do that again. PLEASE. You certainly won't have the chance to with me since I have stopped answering your phone calls/ facebook messages/ and hide when you come into my work place daily.

  6. Msme says:

    My boyfriend confused Purell for KY Jelly. My vagina was burning for hours after.

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  7. […] So here it is, a list of the most frequently committed bedroom faux pas to be avoided by everyone. We all know accidents can happen, but let’s do our best to avoid them, shall we? Read more… […]

  8. Tim says:

    If you have a tube of Lidocane… Never put it next to the KY. There is nothing worse than being horny and numb.

  9. Jen says:

    deep throating, triggering the gag reflex and vomiting all over his member….whoops.

    1. Kelly says:

      I'm so glad it's not just me that's experienced that humliation!! That happened to me the second time I ever gave one. So much more experienced now in managing the gag reflex. Boyfriend can't get enough now. It's a learning curve. ;)

  10. Sydney says:

    Just recently I had my own "Oh God!" moment. I have a really sensetive gag reflex and I'm not so good at blowjobs because of it. I just got the hang of deepthroating and now my boyfriend is moving me on to the fast mouth fuck which meant he was forcing me down deep AND fast. Needless to say, my gag reflex didn't like that. I ended up puking on his dick. I was so embarassed and i was all quiet and moody for a while until he finally cheered me up again. Thank God for understanding boyfriends.

    1. vry psnl says:

      No need to feel embarrassed. It's a very natural reaction.

      You're a sweetheart, and I hope the boyfriend realizes it. If not, dump him fast. You're worth the best.

      PS: I'm a guy.

  11. guest says:

    Escap-ed Gas?

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  14. fueledbyandrea says:

    I hope I never hear a sigh and the phrase "I'm sorry I don't sparkle" after sex again. EVER.

  15. […] or hopping on top for some Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, there are some things guys can do that just don’t fly between the sheets. Or on the desk. Or in the bathroom stall. Or….you get the […]

  16. Nick says:

    Her dog was licking my feet right as she was cumming… Don't giggle when your partner is cumming. And shut the dog outside the room, unless you enjoy suprise licking, and who knows where that tongue's been

  17. Evan says:

    Isn't using the sock you've been sweating in all day kind of the whole point?

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  19. Anonymous says:

    Sex while intoxicated doesn't count. Legally, you're not capable of consenting to sex while intoxicated and the guy you slept with is therefore technically guilty of rape.

    1. abbi says:

      if the woman is over 16 or some certain cases 18 she can still give consent even if intoxicated. Mostly law state that if intoxicated and you make a mistake it is not going to be upheld in most cases. If your thinking im male, I'm not. I am a level headed woman.

    2. daniel says:

      why does it have to be a 'guy' that is guilty of rape? surely the same applies for a woman forcing sex onto a man does it not….

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