Ah, the theme party. The chance for college students to mix things up for the night….or yet another opportunity to dress up in something slutty. Theme parties are an essential part of college life and you can’t graduate without attending at least one (hundred). But after four (or more, if you’re lucky) years on a college campus, there are certain theme parties that just get old. Really old. Wrinkly, saggy skin old. They’re cliche, they’re annoying, they’re the ones you go to freshman year and, if you’re smart, you never go to again.
So pack up the slutty pencil skirts and white wife beaters, people, because here are 9 theme parties you won’t be indulging in any time soon. (Editor’s Note: That is until you graduate and crave a crazy college party to take you back to the glory days. Sigh.)
Office Hoes and Exec Bros
Also commonly known as CEO and Corporate Hoes. This theme, most often the idea of horny frat boys nationwide, plays on common sexual fantasies and is their way of forcing girls to look like sluts. Freshman year, it’s fun and a great excuse to wear a black bra under a white button down. But by senior year, we’re way too close to the real world and you couldn’t pay us to put on business attire since we’ll soon be wearing it everyday for the rest of our careers. That being said, I’m assuming that women are expected to wear pants along with their blouses in the real world…
It’s fun to step out of our college bubbles for a night and embrace the lives and styles of the people of Walmart. You know, wife beaters, teen pregnancy, tramp stamps, and cut-off jean shorts. Then you hit the bars and people begin confusing you for creepy local townies and the fun wears off. Quickly.
Yet again, another excuse to wear slutty clothes (because there can never be too many). But for those of us ever wanting to get employed, these are the worst and most incriminating Facebook photos to have posted in cyberworld. Oh, and nip slips. There’s a 100% chance of those happening when you’re wearing lacy, silky, slutty undergarments.
Wear a white shirt, light the room in black lights and write on each other with highlighters. It’s an easy way for guys to write their numbers on girls’ backs or tell them they’re hot without actually having to say it. Yeah, this should be called the “guys are pussies party.” Seriously, after freshman year, guys should really have more game than that.
ABC (Anything But
A chance to show your creative side. Household items such as newspapers, trash bags, towels, and even playing cards can be transformed into a fun outfit. You can even channel Lady Gaga and show up wearing meat. But do you realize how time consuming it is to make something that’s actually wearable/stays up? Sorry, I’d rather spend that time drinking.
Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes
Easy way to reach into your closet and pull out those Lacoste, Ralph Lauren, or J Crew polos. But c’mon, is this even a theme party? Sounds like a normal day of classes to me.
Wear Green if you’re single, yellow if it’s complicated, and red if you’re in a relationship. In the land of mixed signals (aka college), this is the easiest way to meet single people and know who they are right away, right? Uh, except that in college nearly everyone is single, so you still have to compete with the tons of other people in green. Who look way better in the color than you do. Stupid girls with stupid perfect skin tone…..
Have you ever had to wash orange self-tanner off? Or brush your hair after it’s been teased up 3 feet? So. Not. Worth it.
Last but not least, the Toga Party. Nothing quite sums up college parties like the quintessential toga party. If there is one themed party to do in college, it’s this one. Or so people think. The truth is, this party is overdone. And togas are not easy to construct. And no one wants to sleep on a bare mattress after their lone set of sheets gets ruined by a drunk kid with a bowl of jungle juice. Go to a toga party once, fine. Go again, well, shame on you.
I’m not gonna lie, once upon a time I had a great time at soirees. But that time has long since passed and now the only theme parties I like to attend are of the “let’s get a keg and drink it” variety. Easy and to the point.
What do you think?