Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: March Edition

As my eyes scanned over the cover of the March issue of Cosmo, my mind was flooded with images of Glee porn. And nobody, I mean nobody, should ever have to experience mental images of Coach Beaste singing ‘Firework’ on a cafeteria table naked.

By Brittany

Between Lea Michele’s airbrushed cascading titty cleav, the Sex Quiz, demands to ‘Get Naked!’ and articles dedicated to ‘His Thighs Only,’ I had to check and make sure I didn’t accidentally grab a Playboy.  Um, ‘scuse me Cosmo, but do you need to start packaging condoms with your magazine from now on?  I’m feeling a little sexually violated.

Brace yourselves, College Candies, Cosmo has been hiding some dirty articles up their sleeves…and they are shaking ‘em all out out in this issue.  So, let’s get naked sit back and enjoy.

Let’s start with Lea Michele and her article ‘Lea’s Got a Naughty Side.‘  For reasons I can’t quite explain, she annoys me to the bitter core.  Seriously, my upper lip curls whenever I see her smug grin.  Maybe it’s because I feel like she knows something I don’t about being seductive and she’s never going to tell me. Or maybe I’m just associating her too much with Rachel Berry? I don’t know, but her quote about her favorite body part (butt) totally topped the hate-cake: “My mom say’s I have a good future behind me!” Oh honey, no.

In my favorite feature ‘sexy vs. skanky,’ I learned that giving lap dances in public is skanky and putting your leg on his lap is sexy.  So for those of you who were unaware that humping people to oblivion in a room full of onlookers wasn’t nearly as cute as a little bf/gf touching, well, now you do. Thank you, Cosmo!

After passing ‘The Sex Quiz You Must Take’ simply because the title seemed demanding, I came across ‘Where to Meet Your Future Boyfriend.’ Oh, great – ever since I caught ‘The Craigslist Killer’ on Lifetime, it was getting a little too etch a sketch for me.  They suggest going to a coffee-tasting, book releases, anywhere you’ve bought a Groupon…. Ugh call me old fashioned, but I’d rather drop my bing cherries in the grocery store and wait for one to roll next to the toe of my dream man.

And for fun, here are the mini titles under the article ‘The Erotic Touch That Draws Him Closer’: The Slippery Nipple, The Gliding Light, The Wonder Ball, The Cheek Charger and The Lip Service.  It looks like Cosmo took a bunch of ’70s sitcoms and changed their names to describe perverted sexual favors.

Lastly, since I’m a Minnesotan and really take ‘staying warm’ advice to heart, I thoroughly enjoyed this month’s doozie: ’25 Fun Ways to Go Naked…Without Freezing Your Butt Off. Well, at least I thought I would. With advice like this, I’ll take frozen fingers and spontaneously erecting nipples any day.

Cosmo Says: Play strip Jenga in front of the space heater.
Brittany Says: One word: dangerous. I don’t sh*t around when it comes to Jenga.  And if it’s one thing I like to do amidst victory and satisfaction, it’s celebrate.  That space heater would be tucked in between my naked butt cheeks quicker than you can yell ‘Jenga!’

Cosmo Says: Get hot working out nude to a hard-core Jillian Michaels DVD.
Brittany Says: I wouldn’t want to work out to Jillian’s evil screams fully clothed, so what the thought of doing so as my boobs nearly knock me to the ground while I’m doing a jumping jack couldn’t be less appealing. Warming up doesn’t matter when you’ve got a black eye from your own tit.

Cosmo Says: Take a naked yoga class.  Stand in the front to avoid a full view of your friend’s downward dog.
Brittany Says: This is not OK for many reasons.  I can appreciate what God gave me and my friends but nobody needs to appreciate a full on nose to a glory hole encounter with my BFF. And trust me, I’ve done the math.  There is only so much room offered in the front row.

Cosmo Says: Have a body-paint party. $10 if you’re clothed, gratis if you drop trou and paint your parts.
Brittany Says: Let’s reflect on how this would unravel: “Hey Joe, welcome to the party! Look, I painted a bush on my hoo-hah!” Awesome.

Cosmo Says: Go on a naked run.
Brittany Says: …….

P.S. If you haven’t yet, pick up a copy of this month’s Cosmo and turn to page 36 to see Caitlin, CollegeCandy’s beauty blogger, in all her beuaty-product-loving glory!