Gossip Girl: Can’t Get No Satisfaction

By Brittany

Wanna know what happened on this week’s creation of Gossip Girl?  Why don’t you look up the word ‘lamesauce’ in the dictionary and get back at me.  Didn’t find anything?  Well, it’s time to petition Merriam-Webster, because that’s the only word I can think of to describe the disappointment I feel for this show on a weekly basis.  A girl can only be distracted with lace blazers and Nate smirks for so long before she totally gives up.

Basically, I need a wicked twist this season, and I need it now.

The best twist about this episode?  Nate is back to his old self.  He’s smokin’ the reefer and shakin’ his booty to Tik Tok.  Did I just say reefer?  What am I, forty?  Based upon the fact I age ten years per episode why yes, yes I am. (But I don’t care how old I am; I still want Nate to babysit me. He likes cougars, right?)

It pains me greatly that the closest thing to excitement in this episode was some sweet, rolled Mary Jane and the sparkles on Serena’s birthday skirt. (Note: not her birthday SUIT. I don’t think Serena would be one to vagazzle…though that would have upped the excitement a bit). I mean, I could go to a campus frat party and find that; I turn to Gossip Girl for the thrilling drama, for god’s sake. Thrilling drama that has been MIA since season 3. Therefore, it’s time to take action.  It’s time to really reach out to anyone out there that is willing listen and even the ones that are not.  So I’m going to do what I do second best: write an open letter. (First best goes to Wine Pong. No one can stop me once that Franzia hits my system!)

My Open Letter to Gossip Girl:

Dear GG,

Hi, I’m Brittany, one of those angry, distraught, broken-record GG fans that really likes Nate’s outer arm muscles in flannel, hates anyone who dates Chuck other than Blair and secretly dreams about touching Rufus’ burly man hands.  I simply cannot stop searching for that allure Gossip Girl once provided for my Monday nights.  Even if I have to use my words and hope you find this on the interwebs.

You know a show is bad when 18-year-old boys who haven’t grown an inch since their 12th birthday are writing checks for $100,000 because they want to keep crazy cocaine addicts happy.  And that’s exactly where Gossip Girl is going.  I understand you’re trying to insert Dimples Damien into all of this in attempt to make things better and brighter for Gossip Girl, but that spray tan is just too much. And it’s not working. Can’t we just keep Lily as the individual writing the checks and sealing the envelopes? And can we have the sorta cynical but totally adorable Eric back? What’s with all this doom and gloom?

And I still can’t stand the ignorance that is infesting Serena’s mind. You’re making it REALLY hard to like her; I can’t even bring myself to drool over her long, luscious locks anymore. I think every GG fan loves the idea of all this romance and love, but what kind of heroine are you creating when she abandons all rational thought for every guy who looks her way? That’s….healthy. Maybe someone can send a memo to the wardrobe department to stop dressing Serena in such tight sweaters that prevent blood flow to her brain. Maybe that will help?

I’d also like to talk about Blair’s future.  I understand she can’t brush her own hair on a daily basis, so what gives when Blair is pretty much manning the entire editorial portion of W magazine?  Isn’t she still in college?  Couldn’t you have tried to make that whole storyline realistic? Because it just…wasn’t.

Heavy sigh. (Yeah, I had to type that out so you know just how upset all of this is making me.) All of this ‘bad episode’ business is making me crazy and I think I’m about to say something I’ll forever regret. But so be it.

Can we bring Little J back?

I don’t care; dress her like a low class street whore and cake her face with raccoon makeup, but bring her back already!  And for the sake of the Upper East Side’s relationship with me and my living room – Dan and Blair can hook up now.  I will allow it. I’m ready for an extreme Serena-Blair falling out and a ‘no-no’ hook up sesh. Serena’s a crappy, selfish person, anyway; she doesn’t deserve Dan. Let’s have him fall into the arms of a witty, intelligent, beautiful woman who does.

Make it happen.  Or I’m going to change the channel and watch disgusting group dates and swimming sessions in Costa Rica.  And trust me, you don’t want me to have to do that. Word to the wise: it’s always better to give me what I want. Just ask my parents.

That is all.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)