We’ve all been there. That college party where things are getting super sweaty and awkward. All you want to do is drink your sorrows away, forget about the beads of sweat forming between your purposely exposed cleavage, and learn how to ignore all of the backpacks full of Red Dog bumping your head into the bosom of a slutty looking sorority sister.
Ugh, now that I’m thinking about it; it’s no wonder college kids drink the way they do…look what they have to deal with on a nightly basis!
Buying booze in college is an art. College kids have a restricted amount of money to spend (usually something between the fifteen buckaroos their parents shoved them the last time they went to Sunday dinner at Applebees and the $50 dollars they earned when they sold their statistics book to a freshman that didn’t know a new edition was coming out next month). Therefore, they need something potent that will get the job done without breaking the bank. Talk about substance stress. College peeps take a dive into desperado when it comes to consuming the juice and will literally drink almost anything to get enough liquid courage to tell the girl in History class that she smells like Acai Berry and happiness every morning.
So how low will they go? All the way to the flo’? Let’s have a looksie:
1. Natty Ice
For some reason even though the word ‘ice’ is in this boozie selection, I imagine it lukewarm and one notch above the quality of most urine. You can have it, bro-bots. Drink it up, crush those cans against your forehead, and bring me something that starts with “v” and ends with “odka soda with a splash of lime and two cherries.”
2. Four Loko
This drink was definitely one of the more depressing things that happened in 2010. Honestly, it tastes like it could fuel a Transformer (the ones that turn into semis, not Mini-Coopers). Nobody should be drinking something that makes them feel like they could live on the moon. Nobody.
3. Karkov + Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Or grape Juicy Juice boxes. No seriously, I’ve been there. Tipping back a shot of (what my friend’s like to call) ‘car crash’ and chugging out of a juicy juice box. It was just a little humiliating (especially the face I made upon drinking it) and this stuff NEVER apologizes for a raging hangover. Why do people put themselves through that burning pain?? And Mike’s Hard Lemonade? When the going get’s tough, it gets desperate. In this case, even more so.
4. Beer Pong Beer
The ball rolls onto the haven’t-been-cleaned-since-you-moved-in floors. Then it gets washed in dirty, warm water. Then it gets tossed into one of the 10 cups of beer sitting in front of you, which you then chug. And not only are we all OK with this, but we wait in long lines just to have a chance to drink it.
We all experience it — the period in college where you’re tired of the hard alcohol and you just want something sweet to drink. No – not a virgin Shirley Temple. I’m talking about that big bottle full of sweet, tart, gut rot worthy, sugary booze – specifically sour apple Pucker. I can’t even imagine drinking this stuff at the mature age of twenty-three.
6. Mohawk Vodka…from an Ice Luge
Because the only thing worse than drinking the worst vodka of all time is drinking it from a block of ice that has been mouth raped by the dozens of people who have come before you….including that kid with weird bumps around his mouth.
7. Red Dog
Every Friday night, my friends charge into a house party, their backpacks filled with this stuff. Then they cook a Totinos pepperoni pizza and shot gun one. How they are still living, I am not entirely sure.
8. Fish Bowls
My friends and I used to live for these bright, sugary concoctions. Take all the bottom shelf alcohol behind the bar, throw it in a bowl, add something blue and you have yourself the strongest/most vile tasting cocktail ever. Which, of course, I slurp up with 10 straws in my mouth and then wonder why my puke is teal in the morning.
Ew, my stomach is churning just writing about this stuff. What other gross things do you ladies ingest?