Love|Updated:

He Said/She Said: Not-So-Sexy Moves

[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Sex is like ice cream – it’s sweet, it’s sticky and it’s always better with hot fudge and whipped cream. Oh wait, that’s not where I was going with this. Let’s start again..

Sex is like ice cream – everyone’s got a favorite flavor. While some like Cookies ‘n Cream, others like Rum Raisin. And while some people like sex the good old fashioned way, others like to shake things up. Some like background music, others like a little dirty talkin‘. Some girls like a guy who is soft and sensual, while other girls crave hot, tie-me-up-and-take-control passion.

But no matter what we like, whether it’s lying there and enjoying the show or hopping on top for some Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, there are some things guys can do that just don’t fly between the sheets. Or on the desk. Or in the bathroom stall. Or….you get the point:

The Jackhammer (also known as: The Rabbit): Come on, dude. This is sex, not road repair. Whoever thinks pounding a girl’s sensitive lady bits like he’s a jackhammer and she’s a 12-inch-thick piece of concrete should have his penis removed. If I wanted my vagina to hurt for 3 days, I’d take a Spin Class….at least then I’d burn some calories.

Porn Lingo: Dirty talk is one thing; who doesn’t want to hear how hot they are or how much the guy wants to sleep with them? Porn talk is quite another. Nothing makes a girl cringe faster than the words “pussy” and “moist,” and if you want this to end well (read: not with blue balls), you’ll steer clear of that kind of chatter.

Pelvic Exams: It’s no secret that we ladies need a little more attention to our nether regions in order to reach our blissful happy place. (Sidenote: To some guys, this IS a secret that no one’s told them.) I’m all about a little manual stimulation, but I want it to feel good, not like my yearly exam with Dr. Kaplan. That means a soft touch, fingertips only, not going elbow deep to the point that I can feel your hands in my throat. You do know where the clitoris is, right?

Sneak Attacks: Oh really, you think I’m not gonna notice you try to enter through the exit?

Too Many Questions: With all the things a guy can do wrong, it’s a welcome change when he takes interest in what we want. Of course, asking so many questions that we need to pull out a Power Point Presentation and a laser pointer to get things movin’ is a bit of a mood killer. I want to sleep with a guy who’s good at what he does, not a guy who needs GPS directions to my happy place. If we’re doing more talking than doing, I’d rather just do it all myself.

Forceful Direction: Guys like blow jobs. They like them in the morning, in the car, in the shower, in the house with a mouse… We get it, k? We don’t need you pushing down on our heads to send the message. If I want to give you one, I will. Shoving my head down south and messing up my ‘do is not going to increase your chances, bud.

What makes a guy want to go at it alone (well, besides everything)? Let’s see what He has to say.

Oh, and if you’ve got anything to add to the Do Not Do list, sound off below!

    Comments

    Comments

    1. Anon says:

      AMEN on the last point. Thank you so much. Any suggestion of that nature means it's not gonna happen. I know you like it so you don't have to tell me…

    2. Deena says:

      Disgusting dirty talk, pressure about wanting a girl to give a guy head.. I definitely think those are two of the WORST things on this list. And this girl experienced them both at the same time..
      http://www.collegewomenspeak.com/2011/01/rotc-aggression...

      And not only did it disgust her, it really upset her. These things can definitely be unpleasant in the "ugh can we PLEASE get this over with" way, but they can also be legit damaging..

    3. criolle johnny says:

      Too man questions? They're COLLEGE boys! Who's Mr Suave & Polished when he's nineteen? College is the place where you knock off (some) of rough edges and hopefully get a bit of polish. The time he spends in YOUR bed might just be a part of that education.
      If you have a boy, MAKE a man. Patient & gentle works both ways.

    4. shari says:

      i like the porn talk.

    5. […] CCollegeCandy.com:Sex is like ice cream – everyone’s got a favorite flavor. While some like Cookies ‘n Cream, others like Rum Raisin. And while some people like sex the good old fashioned way, others like to shake things up. Some like background music, others like a little dirty talkin‘. Some girls like a guy who is soft and sensual, while other girls crave hot, tie-me-up-and-take-control passion. […]

    6. agl says:

      Weird, I've heard that comment about 'the jackhammer' before. Am I the only one that actually enjoys that? Not all the time, of course, but still.

    7. Satified in Texas says:

      Hmmm. My girlfriend really loves the jackhammer and wishes I could go for more than 1o minutes at time. She is also the one who talks dirty; in fact, the harder she gets pounded, the more she cusses. She apologizes afterwards for the pottymouth, but I like it.

      1. loving it says:

        As a girlfriend who loves this myself, I agree completely. This article starts off talking about how sex is different for everyone, then proceeds to say three things that I really enjoy are total "don'ts'" for everyone, and I know I'm not the only one who likes them. This is more like a list of things not to try without communication.

    8. Prof. John Norman says:

      The author displays her own displeasures that do not accord with the years of my experience. Get thee to a nunnery, Ms. Lauren. Maybe if you had any experience with men instead of boys your "experiemce" might have some resonamce. Little girls should stick with their Ken dolls.

      1. Johnnathan says:

        Damm right!!!

      2. Ayodele says:

        aww you're really offended. Are you a jackhammer? How dare you question her "experience" based on what she likes and dislikes in bed. Accord with your "years of experience?" so you're a manwhore or you fuck sluts that are so loose it takes a fucksaw to feel anything?

    9. Jill says:

      Actually, I like the jackhammer.

    10. super-duper says:

      i shall take the woman's backside about every other time. it is fun.

    11. Girl says:

      woow this is better than going to oprah for some advice ! thanks ! (:

    12. Ivan says:

      so according to this site, I was supposed to have a crap load I sex in high school so that I would be a pro in college?!? I missed that sex Ed class I guess. and I feel like you don’t enjoy anything. I would have thought things like slapping a girl with your dixk was a no no for a lot of girls but some of this stuff isn’t so bad. jut seems you clearly wouldn’t be fun in bed. lamo

    • You Might Like