Get Off the Sideline and Play the Dating Game

March 3, 2011 5:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Kira Sabin g+ page


By Kira Sabin

Recently, I started talking over champagne (where all good conversations start) with an old friend about  a recent article for College Candy about love that had gone wrong.  My friend, who was around during “the Tyler era,” pondered our conversation and said “what DID happen there?  You guys definitely had a connection and you were crazy about him.”

With champagne thoughts and a heavy heart, I reminded her that he had met someone else around the same time, and had chosen her.  I forced myself to have a grown up moment and added that he seems really happy with his wife and I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.  Then she said something that has had my head spinning for days… “Did you ever tell him how you felt?”

(Please add sound of car coming to a screeching halt!)

Huh?!?

What was this logic she was bestowing on me?  You mean I was actually supposed to tell him that I was crazy about him?  That I had wanted him to stay?  That I wanted see if we could take this amazing connection and witty banter, that was so good that it could stop time, to the next level?  That there were options and I was one of them?

I spent the next couple days in a Tyler haze thinking back to this guy and our “thing” and all of the time that I spent feeling rejected and sad that he had chosen someone else over me.  At the time, I was devastated.  I recovered by making the very mature decision to date a mutual friend while secretly pining for Tyler the whole time.  How nice of me, right?

Looking at it now, I have no idea how it would have turned out.  Tyler very well could have chosen his current adorable wife and things could have played out the exact same way EXCEPT I would know in my heart of hearts that I actually gave it a shot.  Played the game instead of watching from the sidelines, a victim in this story I made up about being dumped.   I was never dumped….I never let myself even be considered.

After further evaluation, I realized that this was a pattern for guys I really cared about.  Whether it was guy friends that I had mad crushes on or boys I was kissing and actually wanted it to be more, I found it so much easier to hope that they liked me.  I would sit around and wait for that romantic movie moment where they blurt out their feelings in a fumbling Micael Cera-esque fashion, making sure to include an adorable listing of “all the things they loved about me” that included the perfect mix of qualities that make me feel smart, funny and pretty.

After years of waiting…it turns out that doesn’t really happen. What really happens is the guys are just as nervous as I am about being vulnerable.  They were (and are)  just as scared of the rejection as I was and would eventually move on to a girl who made them feel good and could tell them what she wanted, instead of confusingly giving them the mixed signals of kissing them and then teasing them because I didn’t want them to think I liked them if they didn’t like me.  Ugh, I am frustrated just thinking about it.

Looking back, I realize that I never regret the boys that I told how I felt.  Even if it blew up in my face and the end results were not what I was hoping for, eventually the embarrassment would pass and the knowledge of where I stood allowed me to move on to bigger and better things.  Like boys who did feel that way back….once I actually let them in on the secret.

And by the way, love should never be a secret.

So ladies, who are you ready to tell?  Talk to me.

11 Comments on "Get Off the Sideline and Play the Dating Game"

  1. Sarah says:
    Thu, 3rd Mar 201110:13 pm 

    I totally agree! I'm always the girl pining for a guy because of our banter and connection, only to watch him move on to another girl. It breaks my heart every time and I'm still hung up on one of these guys! Grrr…
    Only once did I actually reveal my feelings to a guy. Even though it blew up in my face and made me a little gun-shy, I'm glad I did it. It saved me months of wondering, waiting, and thinking about some guy who it wouldn't have worked out with anyway.

  2. Sarah says:
    Fri, 4th Mar 20112:56 am 

    Are you sure this somehow isn't me writing this? This is exactly what I do and exactly what I feel. I'm actually glad in a way-to know I'm not alone in this thinking. I'm so happy this was written because its helping me realize my patterns as well. Thank you. I mean, I'm always in the friend zone, but I just realized-its because I LET it happen. Even if we're just meant to be friends, I never try to do anything about it. Thank you for writing this!

  3. Kira - Dating Coach says:
    Fri, 4th Mar 201110:22 am 

    I am pretty sure I wrote it….and honestly it was tough:) Sarah, you are not alone and I just had the realization of this for this article about a month ago. Did I mention I am in my 30's and a DATING COACH? So if you can realize this and start changing it, you are ahead of the curve.

    Love is easy but relationships are hard and we do all kind of things to get in our own way. This is one of mine. But I hope that my "aha" moment can get you thinking and working on it.

  4. @DateOrStarve says:
    Sat, 5th Mar 201112:19 pm 

    I can tell you this from experience, telling him how you feel and being left in the dust is just as heartbreaking.
    Sitting back and realizing you never once opened your mouth to say how you felt was never an option for me.
    http://willdatetoeat.blogspot.com

  5. ksiu8 says:
    Sat, 5th Mar 20119:15 pm 

    Thank you for writing this! I actually just got back from a sort of "date" (it was never verbally spoken that it was a date) and now i'm sitting here confused going over all the specifics that happened trying to figure out where i stand. I seem to always fall into the category missing out on the guy because i don't know how to begin the relationship. I guess i've always felt it was the guy's job to initiate his feelings about me and never thought to really put myself out there or was afraid to. Now this guy is going to be graduating in a semester and i'm still left wondering if i should say whats on my mind or let it go and always wonder.

  6. Sheryl says:
    Sun, 6th Mar 201110:07 am 

    I too chose to let him know I was crazy about him. I'm not a young woman in my 20's so I don't believe in wasting time. However it wasn't enough. He was too traumatized by his divorce and child custody battles. He chose to be alone. I'm not sorry I told him how I feel and I hope that one day we could make a go of it again. I keep telling myself I gave it my best shot. I know I need to get back in the dating world and give myself daily pep talks, but if I find myself in the same situation again, I will tell him how I feel. good luck to all you single ladies, may we all fall in love again.

  7. jess says:
    Tue, 15th Mar 20115:14 pm 

    What if the person you're interested in is already in a relationship.. let's say it's a horrible relationship on the verge of destruction that you know will end.. (in fact, the person you're into says he/she is currently looking for an apartment to move out of the place they shared with their shitty partner.) Is it ok to tell this person how you feel before the actual split, or is it better to wait? I'M GOING INSANE NOT TELLING HOW I FEEL. ugh.

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