10 Misconceptions I Had About Sex Before I Started Having It

Once upon a time, I was a very sheltered girl. Sex was the ultimate taboo – I thought it was dangerous, dirty, and I failed to understand how anyone could derive pleasure from it. In high school, when my friends started engaging in sexy time, their less than positive reviews of their experiences didn’t make sex sound any more appealing. It wasn’t until I got to college, and started meeting more experienced, sex-positive, empowered ladies that I started to cultivate a more positive view of sexuality. And when I finally started having sex with an incredibly sensitive man, I confirmed that a lot of my fear of sex was based on fallacies and lies.

Without further ado, here are some of my most misguided thoughts.

10. Tummy fat is kryptonite for guys.
I used to be absolutely terrified of getting naked in front of a guy. In fact, I actually lost my virginity while wearing a dress. I thought a dude would catch one glance of my layer of chub and totally lose interest. In reality, most guys are not that douchey, and when they’re that close to sticking their goods into your mouth and/or vag, trust – they think you’re the sexiest woman in the world this side of Megan Fox.

9. Small penis = no pleasure.
The average depth of a vagina is 6 inches. The average length of a penis is 5 inches. More than likely, whatever he’s packing is more than sufficient. But even if it’s not, whatever – a finger feels good, and the odds of encountering a penis any smaller than that is highly unlikely.

8. Liking rough sex means you have no self-respect.
I totally bought into the idea that a woman allowing a man to dominate her in bed was letting herself be degraded…and then I actually started playing with dominant/submissive role play, and it is the complete antithesis of degrading. As a consenting adult woman, creating a fantasy world with someone I trust, role play is incredibly empowering.

7. Condoms are uncomfortable.
I knew before I started having sex that I would always expect dude to wear a condom, as hormonal birth control is not an option for me. But I was expecting condoms to be instruments of evil. I mean, who hasn’t heard horror stories of condoms constantly breaking or condoms getting lost somewhere in the vag. But in my experience, condoms get an unnecessarily bad rap. As long as they’re put on properly, and smothered in lube, things should be fine. Sure, you may have to experiment with different ones to find one that is perfect for the guy and for you, but being baby and disease free is worth the extra work.

6. Having sex “too soon” ruins any chance of a relationship.
So…full disclosure – I had sex with a guy less than a week after I first met him. We’re now approaching our one year anniversary. I know a lot of you are side-eyeing me, thinking that my situation is an anomaly, and yes, I’ll acknowledge that there are tons of guys who wouldn’t consider me “girlfriend material”…but they’re clearly misogynistic jerks, so their opinion is very much null, void, and completely irrelevant to any self-respecting woman’s interests. If a guy truly likes you, he will have complete respect for you whether you sleep wi

5. You don’t have to work to have good sex
I thought sex was based solely on chemistry, and if the sex wasn’t immediately mind-blowing, it wasn’t meant to be. However, I’ve learned that’s an incredibly narrow-minded view. Okay, maybe if you encounter a guy who, like, doesn’t know he has to be hard to enter you (yes, this has happened to someone I know), it should be on to the next. Open communication is absolutely essential to have a dynamic, exciting sex life. If you can’t talk to someone about your fantasies or your needs, you really don’t need to be getting intimate with them.

4. Blow jobs are icky
Oh, yes. I was one of those girls. The idea of sticking a penis in my mouth used to elicit a strong hell to the no from me. I was afraid of the taste, of the smell, if I would be good at it, etc. Blow jobs are not rocket science (and a good guy is more than willing to give you constructive feedback to improve your performance). And as long as he showers regularly, you shouldn’t be gagging with disgust while down there.

3. Guys always want sex
I thought I would constantly be in these awkward situations where all I wanted to do was kiss and cuddle while a dude would be dying to go further. And, yes, of course I’ve encountered the douchebag who didn’t want to take no for an answer, but most mature guys value a mutually enjoyable, consensual experience, and if you encounter one who doesn’t, then it’s on to the next.

2. Good sex always ends in orgasm
I think there is far too much emphasis on orgasms. In my experience, orgasms are more like sprinkles on a chocolate frosted chocolate cupcake – a delightful little extra treat, but far from necessary.

1. Sex isn’t fun
Oh my god, sex is awesome. While I wouldn’t call myself a sex addict, my ideal weekend with my boo definitely involves a few rounds of horizontal tango. Three years ago, though? I would have balked at the idea that sex was anything more than an arduous chore, something that I would only do because I didn’t want to be seen as “damaged goods.” And while I would never condone having sex before you’re ready, it’s really important to have a clear perspective of what sex actually is like before you decide to have it or not have it.

Related ItemsGuys Love blow jobs orgasms Sex


  1. tangerine says:

    an orgasm is a MUST for me to consider it "good sex". i would never not stop without getting mine. it doesn't feel "complete" without having one.

    1. sam says:

      aaand not all women can orgasm. so good for you, but what about the other 80% of women who cant orgasm from sex alone?

    2. kalie says:

      then their partners aren't doing everything they can to make it happen

    3. mimamo says:

      well, while i can't orgasm from sex alone i always do have an orgasm when we're doing it. also for me, it's a must – but not hard to acquire since i'm there, too, i know what i need to get off. sometimes he does what is needed, before, inbetween or afterwards or i simply help out while at it with my fingers. you want it – get it. you don't need to rely on your partner for all.

    4. src says:

      they should ask for oral sex. "vaginal orgasm" via penetration are the rare orgasms you're talking about, if they even exist because some just don't believe in the fabled "g spot." Usually during intercourse various positions are used to stimulate nerve endings in the vagina but orgasms are overwhelmingly cause by direct clitoral stimulation. This happens during intercourse but is much easier during oral sex. it is stupid and selfish of a man to give up on pleasing a perfectly normal, pleasurable woman.

    5. src says:

      you can't say cl*itoral on a blog about sex? wtf am even doing here, geez.

    6. guest says:

      that statement in itself is selfish. you should probably review your arguemtn about selfish means.

    7. REALLY?cheese says:

      the guys must love you, cuz youre not shallow, or selfish, or anything

    8. guest says:

      da biggest hoe

  2. criolle johnny says:

    "they’re clearly misogynistic jerks, so their opinion is very much null, void, and completely irrelevant"
    Turn this around. When a guy makes this sort of comment about women, he gets the "Some woman must have hurt you" reply.
    You seem bitter. Are you seeing a therapist?

  3. Lauren says:

    This was so great to read! I'm a virgin (stiiiiiill) at 19, almost 20, and these pretty much covered all of the myths that have freaked me out so bad that I've kept from doing it (along with the fact that I haven't met a guy I completely trust yet; but still).

    THANK YOU :)

    1. Kitten_moon says:

      Same boat as you girl, 19 going on 20, and still a virgin. While most of the points she listed I already knew, I think the orgasm part was interesting. If I had not reached an orgasm after 15 minutes of masturbating, I give up. I can't imagine have sex and not having an orgasm.

    2. Romsta says:

      I lost my virginity to my first love (and current bf) just a few days before I turned 20 (he was 23 and also a virgin). We'd been together for 6 months by then, and done everything except the deed up until then. We both felt ready when we decided to do it. He'd taken me away for a few days for a romantic holiday as a birthday present.

      Just make sure that you feel ready and are not pressured!

    3. wait until your married…:)

      Sexpert Quiz: Name that Sex Position (Safe for Work) | <–funny of the year

    4. I'm 21 and still a virgin. I am also going on 2 and a half years together with my boyfriend who is also a virgin. Just saying it's not a big burden still being a virgin and don't lose it just because you feel like you should get it over with!

  4. Jenna says:

    @criolle Johnny I don't know what you're talking about. She doesn't sound bitter to me at all. You're comment makes you sound very bitter, or just one of the "misogynistic jerks" she was referring to.

    1. criolle johnny says:

      Defensive much? Some one must have rejected you. Are you overweight?
      Have you figured out what I'm doing yet?
      C'mon! You're supposed to be intelligent life Jenna! One of those +'s is MINE!

    2. Guest says:

      you sound like a retard trying to comprehend misogynistic still.

  5. rawmultimedia says:

    wow, this is a GREAT POST to me…I think it's quite accurate. kudos on the post.

  6. mary says:

    This was a little TMI. I'm one of those who waited for marriage and I"m glad I did. There are too many bad things to catch these days plus sex is some thing special to be shared between two people in love forever.

    1. rox says:

      prude :) this is college candy. not a bible study group.

    2. doviewy nbsonad says:

      It's a little TMI I'm waiting for such a berkahwin and my "I'm glad I did. There are things worse than too much to catch this Hari, sex is a plus dibahagikan khusus between two people, Bangrak, forever.

    3. babyjay says:

      tmi? you probably don't read any of the sex articles on this site then. and it's fine that you feel that way, but don't look down on people that decide to have premarital sex. i'm sure they're glad they DIDN'T wait.

  7. NikeDaMan says:

    Wow what a cleaver post. As a guy I appreciate sex, I wanted to show this post to my gf who is not into sex and constantly bragging about True love. Her latest finding is where she writes/reads about True Love and crap. Heck with love… all what I want is a horizontal Tango everyday!!! :)

  8. A funny quiz that will go with this is below…yall have 2 check it out too funny and works with this..

    Sexpert Rating: The Sex IQ Quiz (Safe for Work) | <-funny of the year

  9. […] 10 Misconceptions I Had About Sex Before I Started Having It […]

  10. Taobao says:

    haha, yeah, sex is awsome…. us just like japan, always fucking around. hehe

  11. nrk03 says:

    yeah if your having to say that orgasms arnt the important part of sex…youre doing it wrong.

    thats like climbing everest and saying it doesnt matter if you get to the top….mmmmm i think it does actually.

    1. guest says:

      straight up hoe

  12. englishgirl says:

    I don't think sex is evil, but at the same time, I don't think one should rush into it and go around just banging ppl for the fun of it. Ideally sex should be shared with someone you're pretty sure you'll marry, or would marry given the chance. If I can help it I'm gonna wait til marriage.

    1. Yuuki says:

      I think this is a perfectly fair choice, but it is a personal choice. I think you should be careful in saying what sex should be ideally for other people; not everyone thinks that sex needs to be with someone they would marry in order for it to be good for them. Many people are fine so long as everyone is consenting, safe, and enjoying it. While I have no problem whatsoever with your choice to wait until marriage and indeed applaud you for having made a choice you're comfortable with, I think you should just be aware that other peoples' choices to have sex, even with strangers, isn't an equally ideal choice for them.

    2. Samantha says:

      thats exactly how i feel

  13. joe says:

    lauren lets hookup ok?

  14. good post!this is why i love this page!

  15. Lee Lee says:

    @Lauren I'm 22! Found the right guy – its been almost 3 years and we're still both virgins… and happy about it. Waiting for the perfect time for both of us. Don't worry about being 19 or almost 20! Don't let time pressure you into losing it with the wrong person or at the wrong time.

    1. src says:

      if you're still waiting after 3 years, the perfect time's not coming. either he's gay and you're a beard or vice versa.

    2. Bill says:

      The perfect time was 2 years 11 months ago. Become a nun. You have the qualiifications

  16. Holly B says:

    lol I love how raw some of this was… my boyfriend that I've been dating for about a year now is the first guy I've ever been with who wasnt circumsized and honestly it freaked me out at first. I mean they dont look like this in pornos and what not… this would be another good thing to discuss! =]

    1. lifeguy still alive says:

      Your new boyfriend is uncircumsized…and not getting off with you…what happened to lifeguy? Didnt you love him and want to marry him…you fucked him good huh?

  17. Fiona says:

    This post is amazing!

  18. Crystal says:

    the only part that I somewhat disagree with (and take no offense, I love the post) is the orgasm thing. Luckily I have a boyfriend who cares A LOT if I get off, but if I don't I am left feeling a little bit jipped.

    1. guest says:


  19. Ali says:

    I think this article is clever and a great topic!
    (*would suggest maybe reading it through a little bit more next time, to fix some gramatically awkward sentences.)
    I lost my virginity after I graduated from highschool and was about to turn 18. There was definately a lot I didn't know, like the details of anatomy and HOW men had orgasms! When I'd fool around, I'd feel the 'pre-cum' and never realized that it wasn't the full blown ejaculation! It makes complete sense afterwards, but never occured to me that it was different!

  20. Ali says:

    Well I'm about 20 and a half now, so have been in sexual relationships for about 2 years, and I have yet to have an actual vaginal orgasm. Orally, touching, or other clitoral stimulations, have got the job done (so I know the difference between orgasms and it just feeling good). But am I completely wacked that I haven't been able to have an orgasm by having vaginal sex? I definately feel jipped that the guy is the only one leaving satisfied, and it has definatly made an impact of how often me and my significant other get 'er done. Am I alone on this, or how has other ladies got their vajayjay fireworks working?

    1. Kat says:

      There's a decent number of ladies who just can't get off all the way from vaginal intercourse, myself included. It definitely does make it more involved in order for both partners to orgasm (wouldn't it be nice if the basic act could perform double duty? so much quicker!), but we're fortunate that we live in an age when most college guys aren't opposed to giving oral…I don't know what I would have done back in the day when straight-up intercourse was the only 'respectable' option. And at least we've had orgasms SOMEHOW, I'm constantly amazed by how many women haven't really had the pleasure.

    2. finkster says:

      How about mutisensory stimulation touching other spots that get you revved while having vaginal intercourse might help.Don't feel bad I didn't organism at all with my first husband and we had intercourse for 8 years. I thank goodness have had many orgasm with my second husband it took alot of experimenting. Foreplay plays a major role in revving women up to level. Men tend to get off easier. He should try to pleasure you first and changing position after a few minutes helps. Multiple angles and depths helps keep the sensory nerves down there on edge. You don't have to been kinky or a freak unless that turns you on but change position does help.

    3. Alicia Lili Mauer says:

      It's really common, actually, for young women to struggle having vaginal orgasms. When you're young, your vaginal wall is thicker, so your g-spot is less likely to be sensitive to stimulation, which makes it difficult. It helps if you or your guy stimulates your clit during intercourse.

      I turn 21 in five weeks and I'm the same way, so I popped onto the internet and researched sex and sex myths. I recommend doing the same to everyone. It's amazing what you learn and how your sex life improves when you don't base all your knowledge off porn/what your friends say.

    4. No you're definately not alone, Ali. I also have never had a guy give me a vaginal orgasm, and I'm 25. What I do is explore my body now so I know what feels good and how to get myself off so when I'm with a guy again, I can show him where he can touch me so I can have an orgasm (if he's one of those guys with no clue)

    5. Smokiechick says:

      Two tips for orgasm during intercourse: 1. Be on top and rub yourself the right way either against him or with your hand. Usually the view of you writhing on top about to pop your top is good enough that his ego won't be bruised. 2. Doggy (is there a PC term for this?) you can rub away without getting your hand in the way (and cradle his scrotum occasionally). Since this position makes stimulating your G-Spot easier, if your hips are tilted right, the resulting orgasms can be outstanding. Good luck ;)

    6. Kirsten says:

      I'm the same way I've never gotten off through penetrative sex. There is really nothing you can do about it. Its Just the way your body is. Just be thankful you're able t get off at all.

      My SO has to eat me put to get me off and he does this before we have intercourse so I'm satisfied and nice and wetfor him. The experience is then all around satisfying for both of us.

      He has tried to stimulate my g spot and work it diff ways but it's just my body, it's frustrating but it is what it is.

      Good luck!

  21. Beth Jenkins says:

    This is the only obstacle in the way of having good sex:

  22. Michelle says:

    As a trans woman who just had GRS, and who is waiting for her first time, I really appreciate this column. Thank you for your honesty and openness!

  23. Alex says:

    @criolle johnny I agree, it does sound bitter. I don't blame guys for not wanting to seriously date a girl who would have sex with them without knowing them…it shows that they're not even taking the time to get to know you. The same goes for a guy who is in a rush to get in a girl's pants on the first date…clearly it's not about liking the person, it's just about sex. So why pretend that it's all deep and romantic when you don't even have the self control to wait until you KNOW if this is someone you really want to share you body with at its most vulnerable? Writing guys off for being willing to have casual sex but not commit to you is the battle cry of insecure, attention-hungry girls everywhere, and it makes it hard for girls who a.) really are interested in attachment-free hookups or b.) want real relationships and are willing to cool their loins long enough to get to know a guy, to get the respect they deserve. If you are trying to con a guy into committing to you by having sex with him, don't hold your breath, bc I think a lot of guys will like you enough to bone you but not enough to put up with your insecurity for months and years to come.

  24. Maxx says:

    My wife was a virgin at 25 until our wedding night. We have now been married 15 years and she complains if we do not have sex every night. It did take time we started out slow sex 3 times a week at first. But by the end of 6 months everything was great.

  25. Kirsten says:

    I agree with ALL of this. Even the orgasm part. The man that I'm currently with also cares very much if I get off or not. That is his main priority when it comes to sex. He says that since he can setoff so easily him Cummings is not the goal of having sex with me. Its giving me pleasure. But for me I love seinghim get pleasure from my body.

    The problem with me is that it is very difficult for me to reach climax through penetration and still have not achieved it. I get off from my man eating me out. All the time. Whenever I want it he gladly gets into position and does his thing.
    like you I had sex with him within four days of knowing him. Mind you I had met him weeks before but it was a brief encounter. After our first time he asked me howit was and how he could make it better. I told him of my problem and he said that he would eat me out every time to make sure I came. So now I expect to cum each time we have sex.

    But it's also not a huge deal if I don't. The experience to me is enough. If you TRULLY LOVE someone. And you see them as a partner and as someone you may marry the orgasm is not everything. The intimacy is enough. But if you are lucky enough to have a man who cares enough to find a way foryou to cum than that's just, like you said, the icing on the cake.

    If you are a woman who getsoff easily of course you are going to say that it is everything when it ones to sex.

  26. grossedout says:

    no one wants to know about your past old granny!

    1. Kit says:

      That's rude. And it isn't true!

  27. booyah says:

    about the orgasm: if vaginal penetration doesn't do it for you no matter which way he's swinging his hips, JUMP IN THERE AND THROW AN ASSIST. your hand is as good — probably BETTER — than his, and whether the orgasm comes from yours or his, you're still having one. no harm, no foul, and i bet he's not at all averse to watching.

  28. LOL says:

    "So…full disclosure – I had sex with a guy less than a week after I first met him. We’re now approaching our one year anniversary. I know a lot of you are side-eyeing me, thinking that my situation is an anomaly,"

    I don't think it's an anomaly. One year just isn't very long.

  29. maidinengland1989 says:

    I really liked this- as a virgin I found it helpful. However I still find it difficult to relate to some of the posts. All the virgins seem to go on about being happy to wait or looking for 'the one'. I find my viginity really tedious and really dont believe in 'the one' as I find the concept quite dull. I I'm kind of seeing a guy at the moment and I really want to have sex with him as he really turns me on. We've been sexting for two weeks now and think I might have given him to wrong impression as to how much sexual experience I have…ooops. Don't know whether to tell him or not?!?

  30. Vanessa says:

    Thank you sooo MUCH! Im Thrilled to know That BJ's Are Infact NOT Rockectscience XD Thanks Again!

  31. Joy says:

    The first few times I had sex with my current man it wasn't that good for him 'cause we were using condoms (I'm almost obsessed with using condoms since I'm kinda promiscuous, but I ditch them once I'm monogamous with a guy). Once we ditch the condoms, he says over and over that I have given him the best sex he ever had in countless of times.

  32. JWG says:

    Thanks for writing this. I'm 18, a virgin, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one at my college who hasn't done the deed. And I think most of that pressure comes from myself. I sort of have some anxiety issues that I tend to berate myself for, and being anxious about sex is one of the big ones.

    1. Infinie says:

      I am a female, not a virgin. You will know when the right time will be because you will not feel anxious. Remember, a guy's dream is to find himself a virgin (like winning the golden ticket for the Willy Wonka Factory). Virgins are rare. Some guys are douches, but then again there are some that will truly treasure you. I had to learn that from experience. First guy was a douche, 2nd and only other guy I've been with is a gem that I truly love. He treasures me and respects me, we balance each other out and is patient with me. The right guy will treat you like you deserve to be treated (with respect), and most importantly he will be honest. Treasure your virginity.

  33. twistedbade says:

    nice post!!but i think size does matter. i think its really about the performance..:P

  34. Tay says:

    My first boyfriend, him being the first guy I was with… made me think all guys hated giving oral, cuddling post- or pre- sex, experimenting, and insulted if a girl owned sex toys. That was the one downfall to having lost my virginity, the fact that I was inexperienced in the bedroom and basically he was telling me that his dislikes were the norm for all men. I was an idiot, he was an ass. But then the guy I was with after him really proved how amazing sex could really be, oral, cuddling, sex toys, roleplay, bondage, we tried a lot of things. I was hesitant at first thinking he was putting himself in to an uncomfortable sexual zone for my sake, but then realized he actually loved the things men "hated". It was good to be able to do experimentation and learn what I like and want. :D

  35. Ayye says:

    Oh how handy this post would've been a few years back. I would've preferred to have waited to have sex with my 2nd and only other partner. I truly enjoy sex with my boyfriend, he always says that I come before him. He makes it his goal to get me off as many times as possible, which is pretty mind blowing. I can't hang sometimes because it is too overwhelming lol. And I really enjoy pleasuring him, hearing his breathing get heavier..yikes ;] The right person makes sex a wonderful intimate experience. Great article!

  36. Fran says:

    i actually enjoyed reading your post. It's information from your life experience that can be very useful to an unexperienced girl like me. So thanks, and don't listen to the disrespectful jerks =)

  37. Ashley says:

    And why would any self res

  38. guest says:

    what a hoe

  39. Slut Lessons says:

    Liking rough sex means you have no self-respect.
    I totally bought into the idea that a woman allowing a man to dominate her in bed was letting herself be degraded…and then I actually started playing with dominant/submissive role play, and it is the complete antithesis of degrading. As a consenting adult woman, creating a fantasy world with someone I trust, role play is incredibly empowering.

    Kind of late to the mix here, but I did want to commend you for pointing this out. I've been a big fan of very rough sex for some time now, and it amazes me how many people just don't understand the allure or attraction it holds for some people (though in reading a couple of the comments above, I can see why).

    The entire piece was well done, in fact. I very much agree with you on the point about orgasms as well. If you use having an orgasm as your sole/main goal of sex, if one or the both of you don't have them, then you become disappointed in the sex (leading to pressure and perhaps more disappointment). Sex should be about bonding or having fun with someone and while an orgasm is a wonderful thing, even the basic concept of providing pleasure to another human being is a beautiful sex goal in and of itself.

  40. I agree that good sex always ends in orgasm… And i think that if i had a look like the models of Victoria Secret, i would give a lot of blowjobs…

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