Jersey Shore: Drunk Dials from Mom

By Lauren

The only way to sum up last night’s episode (or the whole season, really) of Jersey Shore is by trying to figure out who was the biggest bitch of the night. It’s gonna be a toughie, but let’s try.

The Stalker
At first you’d think Pauly’s Israeli stalker would take home the bitchy trophy and the cake. Not only does this girl not get the hint, but she’s one scary bitch. The kind that makes me sort of embarrassed to be a card carrying Jewess. I don’t know who raised this chick, but someone really should tell her that asking a guy if he wants you to punch him in the face isn’t the best way to get an invite back to his love lair. Thanks for ruining my love life…biatch.

Vinny
It’s hard for me to say anything mean about my future husband, but did Vinny drink the Haterade last night? Granted, his Snooki-second-best joke was funny, almost as funny as him wiping out on the kitchen floor, but it was also a low, low blow. The world likes sweet Vinny better. D-bag Vinny with the earrings = bitch.

Ronnie’s Mom
Oh man. I really thought Ronnie and Sammi were pulling a fast one on Deena (she does make Snooki look like a rocket scientist, you know) when she picked up the phone. “I’m, like, Indian,” the too-high-pitched-to-not-be-a-fake voice told her. But it wasn’t a prank. It was real. Ronnie really got drunk dialed by his mom. “Shouldn’t that make her awesome,” you ask? Maybe, but this woman’s issues turned Ron into the aggressive, dumb as rocks, angry Incredible Hulk that he is, and for that, she’s a bitch.

Ronnie
So you wanna skip the club to stay home and slop mayo onto a burger with Sammi? Cool. As long as you’re not fighting, I’m OK with it. (I still think you’re a giant tool, of course.) Then you take her upstairs, smush her good and all is right in the world. So how on earth can you suddenly be swayed by Mike, someone we all know is a snitch/a bitch/a selfish prick? How did you go from “we’re OK, let’s just move forward” to “YOU WERE CAUGHT IN A LIE. YOU WANNA SMUSH ARVIN? I NEED RON RON JUICE. ARRRRRRR.” I’m pretty sure Katy Perry’s ‘Hot ‘n Cold’ was written about you, Ron. And that makes you a big, PMS-y bitch.

Sammi
Girl, you were broken up with Ronald when you texted Arvin. (God, who’s naming these children?) WHY WASN’T THAT YOUR ARGUMENT? My god, life would be so much easier if you just told the truth. It’s not like Ronnie would really have an argument at that point. “You texted some other dude after I went apesh*t on you and broke all your stuff? Hm, OK. I deserve that.” But no. You lied. You got caught. You couldn’t come up with a decent argument to beat The Situation (and that’s pathetic). And then you told the world you were done….again. But you’re not. You’re definitely going to ruin the season finale for me and the reunion show. Bitch.

Mike
A.K.A. The Bitchuation

Hm, on second thought, maybe that wasn’t so hard. I mean, not nearly as hard as it was to actually watch the episode. No matter what anyone else does, Mike is for sure the biggest bitch of them all. He gossips like a middle school girl, tattles like an annoying younger sibling, and manipulates people like Blair Waldorf (though, it’s not hard to do when you’re dealing with the likes of Ron Ron). He may be right sometimes, but he sucks all the time. I swear, he makes Angelina look tolerable.

What. A. Bitch.