He Said/She Said: Decoding Text Messages

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[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Whenever I ask a guy for guy advice, he always says one of two things:

1. “Stop worrying about guys and just hook up with a girl….so I can watch.”
2. “Guys are not that complex. They say what they mean.”

I want to believe that (the second one; I usually just completely disregard the first one…after I smack him). I mean, he’s a guy so he should know, right? But hard as I try to take a guy’s word at face value, it’s impossible. They’re just so vague. And confusing. And what the f**k does, “whatever” mean?!?!

And that’s especially true when it comes to text messages.

Sigh. The text message. So few letters, so many hours spent analyzing it. And throw in some punctuation? My god, you might as well have me solve a trig equation. Ambiguous text messages leave so many of us ladies staring blankly at our cell phone screens, a look of completely confusion on our faces (and not always due to the iPhone auto correcting “we’re getting bombed” to “we’re getting boobed”). To say it’s frustrating is an understatement so I thought it was time to break it all down. Put an end to the textual over-analyzing once and for all. Give us back those hours to be used for more pressing tasks…like catching up on Million Dollar Listing.

Below, a list of common text messages and what I, a typical female, think when I receive them (as crazy as those thoughts might be). Read, relate, then click on over to see a guy’s perspective.

1. Sure - Sure? SURE? Way to be excited about whatever it is I just proposed.

2. What’s up – Either he’s trying to get a little witty text banter rolling…or he’s trying to get a little witty “will you come over for a booty call” banter rolling.

3. What are you doing later – OMG HE TOTALLY WANTS TO SEE ME LATER! Do I tell him I have no plans so then he asks me for plans? No, that might make me look like a loser. Who doesn’t have plans on a Friday night? But if I tell him that I’m going out with the roommates, he might not want to come and hang out with a bunch of girls.

4. I wish you were here – He misses me and is thinking about me enough to send a text message. He wants to experience things with me. He wants to experience LIFE with me. He wants to marry me! I wonder if he dreams about our wedding, and if he’s okay with the fact that I want to adopt. I hope he is because I really don’t want stretch marks. But I’m open for discussion if he has a really good reason for it

5. I’m not feeling well – OMG he’s totally blowing me off to hang out with someone else. But what if he’s not? Should I bring him soup? How cute would it be if I brought him soup and then we snuggled in his bed eating oyster crackers and watching Modern Family? But what if I go out and buy the soup, bring it over and he’s out with his guys? He’s totally blowing me off. But why? Did I text him too much? I was totally way too clingy.

6. It was nice seeing you last night - YAYYYY! He’s so into me! I can’t believe I tossed and turned all night wondering. Yayyy. But wait, why didn’t he ask to see me again? Should I respond to this and say it was nice seeing him, too? Or should I play hard to get and make him miss me so he asks me out again? I should totally ask Amy. She’s good at this stuff.

7. Whatever you want to do – Great, he’s so not into this. If he was, he’d be planning something, like a romantic walk through campus or offering to cook me dinner at his apartment. But no. He’s leaving it up to me, which means he doesn’t even want to see me.

8. I’ll text you later – When is later? Like, after class? Or after dinner? Or does he mean like “later” later, as in booty call time? Great, now I have to keep my phone on me at the gym just in case he texts. Or maybe I should leave it at home so I won’t be tempted to respond right away and then I’m all mysterious. But then I’ll just be thinking about it the whole time. I’ll just keep the phone by me. Yeah, that’s safe.

9. OK. He used a period. What did I do!?

10. haha – Convo ender. How do I respond to “haha”? I guess a smiley would work, but then there’s nothing for him to respond to. I guess that’s over. But he does think I’m funny. Smiley face.

Sound familiar? Yeah, don’t pretend you don’t do this. But guys do it, too. So let’s find out what they think when they get the same exact texts. Click here to see what he says on CoedMagazine.

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