So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!
Ever notice his eyes are closed? Ever wonder where he seems to go while he’s got you split like a wishbone? Believe it or not, men don’t always just think with their penises. When the penis is in the forbidden triangle, the gears upstairs keep turning until the moment of release.
Well, ladies, here’s a peek into the mindset of the mid-f*cking man.
1. “Not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet (ad infinitum)”
Most fellas aren’t 60 minute men. They are terrified of cumming before you do. So, they try to psyche themselves out of blowing their wad too early. Note the mantra-like repetition. We’re trying to take ourselves out of the moment to make the moment last longer. A fun little paradox: deny pleasure to prolong pleasure. Why do we cum too soon? Well, that’s a list for another time…
2. “Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies” (repeat until ejaculation)
Each guy has a mental technique to stave off prematuring. Some think of the most hideous and UNsexual images imaginable (hence the above). Others try to imagine a baseball game being played in slow motion (although most ball games are already played in slow motion). Different strokes for different folks. Hm, maybe not the best way to put it…
3. “Is she done yet?”
Sometimes this thought manifests itself as “I really wanna cum but I can’t until she does, what the f*uck is taking her so long?” Look, we can appreciate we often have to work for your orgasm. Really, it’s more fun than Assassins Creed most of the time. But there comes a point where we’re tired and have other crap to do, too.
4. “Would she freak out if I put a finger up her ass?”
Would you? In the throes of passion some guys like to think about taking it to the next step. Another thought might be: “Would she let me finish on her chest?” These are just reflections of a healthy sexual appetite and wanting to, uh, push the boundaries a little bit. But just the tip.
5. “I’m doing it as hard as I can!”
It’s really exciting when you beg us to go faster and thrust deeper. However, there’s a point where what you’re getting is what we got. Soon it goes from exciting to annoying to depressing…
6. “My thighs are BURNING.”
It’s all fun and games until someone tears a ligament.
7. “Effing condoms, I can’t FEEL ANYTHING!”
Not all men think this one but I’ve known enough who have that it’s warranted a mention. I’m not advocating barebacking or unsafe sex with a sexual partner you don’t trust. I’m just saying, the thought has probably crossed his mind in one position or another.
8. “God, this feels good.”
9. “I should have jacked off today.”
For some men it helps them last longer. Having already spent one bullet from the chamber your trigger finger’s less itchy. Desensitizing a bit can help if he’s a little quick on the draw.
10. “I shouldn’t have jacked off today.”
The flip side to the coin. For some guys it’s not firing too early and often that’s the problem. It’s jamming.
11. “Thundercats are GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Now now now now now now now now (momentary blackout)! Whew, I’m gonna go to sleep for about 8 hours, but first LET’S ORDER DOMINO’S!”
You okay? I promise those aren’t the only thoughts he’s thinking…
Bringing You Behind the Curtain,
Being John Dudeovitch