Dude’s List: 11 Things He’s Thinking While He’s Inside You

So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

Ever notice his eyes are closed? Ever wonder where he seems to go while he’s got you split like a wishbone? Believe it or not, men don’t always just think with their penises. When the penis is in the forbidden triangle, the gears upstairs keep turning until the moment of release.

Well, ladies, here’s a peek into the mindset of the mid-f*cking man.

1. “Not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet (ad infinitum)”

Most fellas aren’t 60 minute men. They are terrified of cumming before you do. So, they try to psyche themselves out of blowing their wad too early. Note the mantra-like repetition. We’re trying to take ourselves out of the moment to make the moment last longer. A fun little paradox: deny pleasure to prolong pleasure. Why do we cum too soon? Well, that’s a list for another time…

2. “Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies” (repeat until ejaculation)

Each guy has a mental technique to stave off prematuring. Some think of the most hideous and UNsexual images imaginable (hence the above). Others try to imagine a baseball game being played in slow motion (although most ball games are already played in slow motion). Different strokes for different folks. Hm, maybe not the best way to put it…

3. “Is she done yet?”

Sometimes this thought manifests itself as “I really wanna cum but I can’t until she does, what the f*uck is taking her so long?” Look, we can appreciate we often have to work for your orgasm. Really, it’s more fun than Assassins Creed most of the time. But there comes a point where we’re tired and have other crap to do, too.

4. “Would she freak out if I put a finger up her ass?”

Would you? In the throes of passion some guys like to think about taking it to the next step. Another thought might be: “Would she let me finish on her chest?” These are just reflections of a healthy sexual appetite and wanting to, uh, push the boundaries a little bit. But just the tip.

5. “I’m doing it as hard as I can!”

It’s really exciting when you beg us to go faster and thrust deeper. However, there’s a point where what you’re getting is what we got. Soon it goes from exciting to annoying to depressing…

6. “My thighs are BURNING.”

It’s all fun and games until someone tears a ligament.

7. “Effing condoms, I can’t FEEL ANYTHING!”

Not all men think this one but I’ve known enough who have that it’s warranted a mention.  I’m not advocating barebacking or unsafe sex with a sexual partner you don’t trust. I’m just saying, the thought has probably crossed his mind in one position or another.

8. “God, this feels good.”


9. “I should have jacked off today.”

For some men it helps them last longer. Having already spent one bullet from the chamber your trigger finger’s less itchy. Desensitizing a bit can help if he’s a little quick on the draw.

10. “I shouldn’t have jacked off today.”

The flip side to the coin. For some guys it’s not firing too early and often that’s the problem. It’s jamming.

11. “Thundercats are GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Now now now now now now now now (momentary blackout)! Whew, I’m gonna go to sleep for about 8 hours, but first LET’S ORDER DOMINO’S!”


You okay? I promise those aren’t the only thoughts he’s thinking…

Bringing You Behind the Curtain,
Being John Dudeovitch



  1. iesha says:

    enjoyable and informative thanks

  2. Baller says:

    i stumbled upon this article while searching for something sex related, and i immediately recognized many of those thoughts. i often start counting things (such as books) depending on which way i'm facing. another one is thinking about playing football and getting tackled hard.

    it's kind of unfortunate that there's not many times during sex when i can just admire the way the girl looks instead of thinking about when i'm going to… umm.. have lift-off.

  3. itsthegod says:

    all im worried about during sex is bustin that nuts as quickly as possible but at the same time tear the coochy up. i agree with #7 a lil bit. that fukkin rubber does kinda mess the mood up 4 me. im not condoning goin raw in a chick but dam i get tempted 2 do it so easily everytime i fukk & i'll admit it has been done a few times.

  4. SpyC says:

    Wow, most women feel that theres an emotional connection when the man doesnt want to use protection.. To find out its all about the feeling…

    1. lupesbud says:

      I am a woman. And I sure don't think like that. Using a condom is safe and preventing pregnancy. A woman that wants one just means to me that maybe she smokes and does not want the danger connected with pills or she doesn't have sex all the time and needs some help from him. Plesae don't connect birth control with emotionalism.

  5. harlie says:

    so your trying to tell me that men dont think of other women while they are having sex with another woman to make it better? come on….
    your right about the condoms we feel the same about it too… it feels crappy inside us too. but i would rather have that feeling then have aids,etc way to much of that spreading in the world now.

    1. Lupesbud says:

      I have a question. If a guy is married or in a steady relationship and a woman tells him she wants him but he says he can't but he is flattered by her interest and she tells him she thinks about it with him do you think he thinks about it with her even if he acts like he does not????? Just wondering If I have a chance if I keep showing interest AND am patient. I hate condums by the way and would use something else. Do guys notice a difference or is there one between woman as far as warmer, hotter, wetter, dry? Just curous.

    2. URDumb says:

      No means no from a whether it comes from a man or a woman.. Get over him. stop trying to mess with someone who already has a partner and get your own guy,

  6. Alison says:


    Really? Dead puppies??

    1. Chloe says:

      Dead Puppies?????

  7. Anon says:

    11 made me laugh so much.

  8. Ms. Devinne says:

    Is there a gay version of 11 things he thinks when he is inside you?

  9. Lisa Smith says:

    Can we get an article from a woman's perspective? I think the thoughts may be amazing!

  10. Melissa says:

    Just chiming in that 11 cracked me up as well–partly because I'm a girl but I get super hungry after sex too usually, hahaha.

  11. […] ME. BOY AIN’T THINKING A DAMN THING. (And if you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe a dude.)He’s feeling lucky he gets to eff you. Just relax and have a good […]

  12. barbara says:

    what do you think a woman is thinking during intercourse ??? I am always wondering will he be able to lift me higher then the clouds or will I be able to orgasm or satify his needs ?

    1. lupesbud says:

      I think a bit like Barbara. I always hope that he will realize that I have come. Sometimes it is ot as violent as his but none the less it has happened. Always wonder if he is noticing changes in my body but sounds like no. I agree that I want him to not postpone his cumming indefinently. Don't really want him to think, dead puppies all THAT long. Sometimes, it is good for the man to "go for it" for himself and I appreicate the urgent screw every now and then. Just means he is havinag a great time. Sometimes I think, I wish he would move up higher more or move this way or that but would not SAY this, probably try and move myself down or up to adjust. I get a lot out of sex so I am usually quite happy even with a little earthshattering and not a huge 9 on the richter.

  13. katie says:

    lmao. i must say number 4 made me laugh my ass off. one of the most funniest article i have read in a long time

  14. Greg says:

    itsthegod is a moron. Ignore him ladies. As a guy, I can certainly tell you #1, 2, 4 are coming across 90% of guys minds during sex. #4 is more "how much can I get away with? how freaky will she let me get?" Oh, and yes, we think about sports a lot too.

  15. […] questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. (Like what guys are thinking when we’re goin’ at it.) Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a […]

  16. taylor says:

    girls are mainly thinking:
    – i hope hes thinking i look hot naked
    – suck in your stomach!
    – ahh feels really good
    or.. – this is awkward how do i make it stop
    – i hope he thinks im good
    – do something sexy, (bite lip, moan, touch self)

    largely depends on the guy but if we like him and the sex: we're all about keeping it feeling good and making sure he gets off but if we dont like himm or the sex is just terrible: all we think about is how terrible it is and what we can do to just make him finish all ready cuz were deff not gunna

    1. ImAwesome says:

      LOL so on the money Taylor…I also think about sexual scenes Ive read in a book, keeps me nasty LOL

    2. Greg says:

      Nothing sexier than a girl touching herself…FYI

  17. GinGee says:

    What some of us think, "How much longer is this going to go on? One more minute and I'm getting up and walking away."

    As for #4, sure, AFTER you;'ve had a huge Vibrator shoved up your arse.

  18. today says:

    For me "dead puppies" is either thinking about sports or doing mental math.

  19. gdogspeaks says:

    Wow1 Is all I can say. This is really revelatory for me. I appreciate it and the humor which might be a little closer to the truth than a lot of us think.

  20. jhon says:

    some true..

  21. kazza says:

    now for an "11 Thing's She's Thinking While You're Inside Her"..

    1. kazza says:


  22. Carlos says:

    I usually go through the Giants batting order and think up some better variations … keeps it going a lot longer, and no dead puppies.

  23. :{D Taylor says:

    Omg!!! Haha I started this night feeling so horrid, because I’m having relationship isues with my boyfriend. And was surfing the net for so advice on how to dump his ass and not feel bad about it. Then i stumbled onto this guy or “dude”. Lol this guy seriously knows what he is talking about ! Thanks dude !

  24. crystal says:

    Wow I am so glad I stumbled apon this, its very interesting…and number 4 just made my day. I love anal sex toi
    the point where I prefer it. I always worry that guys will think I’m a bit nuts. Now I know its not uncommon 4 their thoughts to wonder in that direction.

  25. nikk says:

    Being newly single i def needed this! Now i can get my freak on and not worry that he is obsessing over my pooch :)

  26. jennifer says:

    I always wondered what a man thought I asked my b friend once what he thought of when he was having sex w a woman the only thing he said that he thought of was a fat girl and he said that din’t even help he still got off… other than that I’ve always wondered???? Yea there should be one for woman too

  27. Jerrid says:

    I think:

    1. Ugh shes loose. I need to tell her to clench, or put her legs around me. Or I need to take this damn condom off.
    2. I need to take this damn condom off.
    3. Shit, why can’t I cum!? UGH!
    4. Shit, I’m already there? A B C D E F G…
    5. mmmm that porno i saw last night was so hot.
    6. mmmm her best friend is so hot.
    7. wow her fat rolls are disgusting.
    8. why are we doing this? we have no connection. i wanna cum.
    9. This is too much work. I just wanna pull out and jerk off till i’m almost there, then shove it back in and cum in her.
    10. She doesn’t smell as strong as last time.

  28. Jen says:

    wow, i know this article suppose to be funny but as a girl this is a major turn off. gee thanks!

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