He Said/She Said: Forgive a Cheater?

March 29, 2011     Posted in Relationships, Sex

Douche.

[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]


By Lauren

My biggest fear in life (besides falling down the stairs in a lecture hall) is finding out the person I love is a lying, cheating bastard. I truly believe there is nothing worse than cheating. I mean, what’s the point? If you wanna get it in with someone else, why not just grow some balls, dump me and live happily ever after (with 3 STIs….) with that skank? Don’t string me along, lie to me and buy me crappy gifts from CVS to ease your guilty conscience! (What can I say – just thinking about it makes my blood boil. And I don’t even have a boyfriend at the moment.)

That being said, cheating isn’t always black and white. Even for angry me.

Take freshman year, for example. My best friend and roommate had a little (OK, a LOT) too much jungle juice and made out with the boy down the hall from us while her long distance boyfriend sat innocently at Tufts. When she realized what she did, she felt horrible and cried the entire walk home (wiping her snot on my brand new North Face, but that’s a different story). She called him immediately, told him exactly what happened, and though he was mad, he forgave her. And they’ve been together ever since.

She made a mistake while she was drunk, and I do believe that’s forgivable.

On the other hand, while abroad, another roommate of mine carried on a 3-month long more-than-friends-but-never-actually-touched-eachother’s-happy-places relationship while her boyfriend spent the semester pining away for her in Ann Arbor. Sure, she never kissed this Aussie or let him see her boobs, but she was emotionally cheating on her boyfriend and playing him for a fool. Which I had to sit back and watch.

And to me, that is not forgivable.

For me, cheating is less about what happened and more about how it happened. If my boyfriend (when I eventually get one) makes a mistake and hooks up with some chick one night, I’d like to think I could forgive him. It would be hard for me to trust him again for awhile, but if he came clean, apologized and made me believe it’s never going to happen again, I’d be able to take him back. But if I found out he was sending flirty text messages to some chick in his Organic Chemistry class (my non-existent boyfriend is pre-med, obvi) for the duration of the semester, I’d have a hard time letting it go.

That wasn’t a mistake. That wasn’t an accident. That was an ongoing emotional affair that he knowingly took part in day after day after day…and never once brought to my attention.

And for me that is the line. People make mistakes and I don’t think it’s fair to punish someone for a mistake they made and admitted to. I also don’t think it’s fair to yourself to end something potentially great for one misstep, even if that misstep is as disgusting and hurtful as cheating. But at the same time, I’d be doing myself a disservice to forgive someone who knowingly did something wrong again and again. Someone who continually and consciously made a selfish decision, as innocent as that form of cheating may be.

That’s way worse than plummeting down the stairs of my 300-person Shakespeare lecture while the whole room watches and laughs. And I know I’m worth more than to stay with someone who is so willing and able to hurt me.

So where do you draw the line? Would you forgive a cheater?

Let’s see what our guy has to say. Check out his take on CoedMagazine.

12 Comments on "He Said/She Said: Forgive a Cheater?"

  1. Anonymous says:
    Tue, 29th Mar 20113:09 pm 

    I totally agree. When my other half and I got together, neither of us wanted to spoil our friendship by it not working and making our friends choose sides, so we kept it quiet while we worked out how serious we were.

    Not too long into this, his unknowing friends got him drunk and egged him on to make out with our mutual friend. When I found out, I was fuming. I raged and cried and screamed. And refused to talk to him or answer the phone.

    So he walked the 14 miles to my house to apologise.

    It took me a long time to forgive him, or trust him again, but 3 years later we're planning our wedding.

    A mistake is most definitely different to an affair.

  2. Anonymous says:
    Tue, 29th Mar 20113:26 pm 

    no one forced your friend to drink. If she chooses to drink, she is responsible for her actions after she gets drunk. I would have not forgave her if i were her boyfriend.

  3. criolle johnny says:
    Tue, 29th Mar 20115:01 pm 

    "She made a mistake while she was drunk, and I do believe that’s forgivable."

    So explain why … if the guy was also drunk it's "rape"? It's "rape, rape", as Whoppie says, not just "rape". I guess there is some distinction without a difference.

  4. Jenna says:
    Tue, 29th Mar 20115:32 pm 

    @Anonymous that's true, I don't think drunkness necessarily excuses bad behaviour, if you behave badly when drunk it's your responsibility not to drink. However if you're young and still working out your limits I think a small blunder is probably forgivable.

    I suggest no one replies to criolle johnny he seemed to post mindless provacative cr*p on a daily basis.

  5. Charlotte- University of Birmingham says:
    Tue, 29th Mar 20116:24 pm 

    I agree. I could probably forgive a kiss more than an emotional connection. My ex was emotionally cheating on me with his now-girlfriend and that was way worse than the kiss he shared with her room-mate which eventually caused me to break up with him.
    I don't think a lot of people know where the line is with emotional cheating though. It's much more difficult to identify.

    Charlotte http://www.girlnextdoorfashion.net

  6. Eimear says:
    Tue, 29th Mar 20116:31 pm 

    While I agree with your opinion of cheating, I don't think I could forgive if my boyfriend had sex with someone else. No one is too drunk to not realise that sex is happening. And the thoughts of being with someone after he recently slept with someone else is not my cup of tea. Other than that I think I could survive.

  7. renee88 says:
    Tue, 29th Mar 20117:37 pm 

    I guess every relationship must go through a test at some point. Kudos to those who have passed, and are still going strong.

  8. Alex says:
    Thu, 31st Mar 201112:32 pm 

    Totally disagree with forgiving a drunken mistake. If someone I am with doesn't have the maturity to control their drinking and making mistakes then that why would you want to stay with that person, ooops I had sex with some guy when I was really drunk is not forgivable in my book.

  9. darron says:
    Tue, 5th Apr 201110:11 pm 

    I made a mistake. I cheated on my boyfriend in his own house with his friend while blacked out drunk. Yeah, i I know that it sounds awful. It seems like I am a horrible person. But honestly, it meant nothing to me. In a way I feel my boyfriend had deserved it. He ocassionlly would have naked girls photos on his phone and we had broken up a few times and he had hooked up with some of my friends. I know this is worse because we were together when I cheated but I think in the back of my head it was my way of revenge. Afterwards I felt awful but as if we were even. I told him what I did, he said he'll never forgive me or his friend. I hope some day he will. because, I know I'll never do it again. I love him.

  10. Kel says:
    Fri, 20th May 20116:19 am 

    I can always forgive, that is for my own soul and moving forward not for the person/s involved. But i NEVER forget or say 'its ok that happened' if you dont forgive you cant move forward.

    Also, you cannot group everyone together from YOUR personal experience, people can and HAVE been too drunk too realise sex is happening, i know this from personal experience! That was just an ignorant comment.

  11. L.C.T says:
    Fri, 3rd Jun 201112:52 am 

    Revenge isn't the correct way to fix a problem. You're probably in college, you should know that by now.

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