Tuffy Luv Says: He’s Telling You He’s Not Into You
Question?! Forget you. No, only joking! Ha, ha! Get it?! Because–okay, whatever. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
Last semester I met this guy and we started hanging out a lot. We were never officially together, but he was my first everything and we had a great time for a few months.
I made the mistake of assuming he was with me exclusively, and kind of freaked out on him when I found out he had been with other girls and still had contact with his ex who he had been with for years. But then I realized I really had no right to be mad, as he was not my boyfriend.
For the first couple of weeks this semester, things were going great between us and I was happy. Then, everything changed. He couldn’t attend our school this semester, so he moved back home. I was really sad he was leaving, but he is planning on coming back in a few months, so I thought things might work out. At first, we still talked a lot and even hung out when he came down to visit.
But then he went back home, and….nothing. He stopped contacting me. I texted him a few times and got very brief answers. I was sad, but decided to stop talking to him as well. I still liked him a lot, but I did not want to appear needy and desperate.
After he moved, I still hung out with his friends. A few weeks later after becoming way too drunk, I hooked up with one of them. Since, my relationship with his friend has turned into a sort of friends-with-benefits situation. I would never want to be with him in a serious relationship, we’re just having fun. His friend told the first guy what happened and I texted him to see how he felt about it. He seemed rather indifferent and it hurt me that he didn’t seem upset. I told him how much I missed him and that I wished he were still here.
A few days ago, I was hanging out in his friend’s room when, to my surprise (though clearly intentional on the friend’s part), the first guy showed up–he was in town to visit and no one told me. He seemed just as surprised to see me as I was him and neither of us really said anything.
Later that night though, the first guy texted me telling me I should come hang out with them and that it would not be weird. He said he knows I’ve moved on (though I’ve clearly told him how much I missed him in the past—I haven’t moved on at all!) and he seems to think that I really like/want to be with his friend, though it isn’t the case. I ended up not hanging out with them.
I can’t say I blame the first guy for somewhat ignoring me, but he did pretty much the same thing to me when he was with other girls while we were talking. I don’t know what to do from here. I still like him and would like to be with him, or at the very least be friends with him.
Should I try texting or talking to the first guy on Facebook? Should I not talk to him for a while and see what happens if he comes down to visit again/wait until next semester? What could I possibly do or say to him to make him know that I still want to be with him?
–Hoping I Can Fix This
Honey. Seriously. He KNOWS.
You seem to be under the delusion that he is unclear on the fact that you want to be with him. Sorry, kiddo, but the truth is, he knows the hell out of you wanting to be with him. You have made it sooooo very clear.
The problem is: He doesn’t want to be with you.
I’m sorry to say it, but there it is. I know you’re hopeful to the point of hallucination that he’s gonna turn around and say, “Omigosh, I never noticed that you’re practically obsessed with me!! I was blind to your advances and deaf to your pleas!! BUT NOWWWWWWWW I can see that you DO want to be with me, and so now I can reveal the truth, which is that, all this time, I only wanted to be with YOU!!!”
Okay, I don’t want to be too hard on you. Because I get this vibe from your letter that you’re totally sweet and have a lot going for you. But that’s why this ticks Tuffy off.
Can’t you see?! HE WANTS YOU TO MOVE ON. He has tried his darndest to be nice about it. He isn’t ignoring you, but he’s wayyyy going out of his way to not encourage you. And now he’s telling you he’d be quite happy about your being with his friend.
HE IS NOT INTERESTED. (And if you need help seeing the signs, here they are.) You need to accept this, because YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.
Look, again, clearly you are sweet, and your writing indicates that you’re quite intelligent. And, judging from the fact that guys seem to like you, I’m guessing you’re also attractive. So, please. Honey. Really. Find someone new.
Also, stop hooking up with his friend. It’s just an excuse to stay in this first guy’s life, yes? You know it, I know it. Honestly, I bet the first guy knows it. Hell, the second guy might know it, too! Stop fooling yourself and just detach from this situation already.
I know your hope is to get advice about getting this guy back, but–it’s not going to happen. To be honest, you never had him in the first place; he was still hooking up with other girls, and you even acknowledge you were never in a relationship. You guys had a nice, short-lived casual thing. And that’s totally cool. Unfortunately, you developed feelings for him, and he just does not return them.
Forget it. Fortunately for you, he’s out of town anyway. DON’T text him. DON’T Facebook him. DON’T call him. Let this thing go, the way he has already shown you he wants it to.
And please, honey. Go find yourself someone good who really WANTS to be with you, okay?! I promise he (many he’s) is out there. Don’t settle for unrequited love.
Hearts & Skulls,
[Want more tough love? Get it.]