This Post Grad Life: Welcome to Hot Mess Central
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Brittany (why yes, I’m beginning this post by talking in third person). Her roommates were Mom, Dad, and cat. She spent all day eating Frosted Flakes and watching The O.C. re-runs and wondering where Benjamin Mackenzie’s career went wrong. She slept deeply and soundly until late hours of the afternoon, wasn’t keeping a healthy social life, and finished a bottle of Grey Goose in six months. Her life was essentially an embarrassment to all 23-year-olds, as well as to the overall post-grad society.
Suddenly, one sunny, completely normal afternoon, everything changed for Brittany. She put down her Frosted Flakes spoon, ran out of episodes of Degrassi, got a job, a new spicy apartment in the city, and jump started her social life.
Everyone rejoice. For she lived happily every after.
Or not. Because like Noah and Allie (ehem, Notebook reference), it’s never over.
OK, enough of that third person stuff. The truth is, my life went from zero to sixty in a matter of five days, and I lost my steering and breaks.
Let me explain.
I literally went from sitting in my parents’ house for hours on end watching HGTV with my mother for six months to having a real life. I love my mother and I love quality decorating tips, but nothing about that should be happening to any human being considering eventual marriage, a steady income and a stable social life. Therefore, the minute I got an awesome job, new apartment and stitched up my social life, I was like a zoo animal who had been released back into the jungle. There was no way that animal would survive without a few hard-earned, hands-on lessons.
You’ve got it, folks – I’m back into the wild jungle that I call a normal 23-year-old life and I’m a hot mess.
I’ve been so overwhelmed by my sudden job success, new friendships, and a completely independent lifestyle that I’ve completely lost grip of who I am, what I believe in, and what I need (i.e. personal alone time). I’ve been so constantly bombarded by new things and a new life, I’ve bottled it up inside and completely strayed away from my original intentions.
Emotionally, I’ve been a roller coaster ride. I’ve been jumping the gun on relationships, getting too caught up in them, and making decisions I’ve never made before. For example, I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of girl with guys and relationships. Somehow, upon getting a life, I thought I could perfect the casual I-don’t-care-if-this-isn’t-going-to-work-out-eventually kinda thing. Turns out, I can not. I am not built to casually romp around with someone that isn’t going to promise me respect and a future — and I now know there is nothing wrong with that.
Also, as much as I value my social life, I seemed to have forgotten about my personal life. My me-time. Hard as it is to remember sometimes, I am the most important person in my life and respecting myself should be top priority. Which it wasn’t when I decided to get rip roarin’ drunk on a recent Sunday. That kind of behavior is not putting myself at the top of the priority food chain. While I understand I don’t need to shove a stick up my ass once I take a gander into the real world, I don’t ever want to rather have a shoved a stick up my ass on a hung over, guilt riddled, Monday morning.
Why am I doing these things? Who the hell knows? Everything around me is happening so quickly, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m struggling to keep my head above water, to do the things I think post-grads do. But in doing so, I’m completely losing control of who I am. So I’ve decided that I need to stop, take a moment and listen to myself. Me. The person who’s getting lost in all this transition. The person I should care about most.
I gotta get back to me. Just because my situation has changed, doesn’t mean I have to change. I am the same person I was when I sat in my parents’ kitchen, unemployed and whining every day. I don’t need to get caught up in some fantasy world or try to become someone else just because my life is different now.
I take a lot of pride in figuring out myself and becoming a person who I can be proud of. I spent 23 long, hard years creating this hot, smart, successful woman; I refuse to let one life transition mess that up now.