Why Dudes Downgrade

‚ By 

If you’re on Facebook and haven’t “un-friended” your ex in a fit of rage, then you still have the luxury of knowing when he’s moved on and whom he’s moved on with. We all dread the moment we see an ex (or in my experience my actual boyfriend at the time…yup, true story), tagged in a questionable photo with a new girl, fearing that the dreaded ‘in a relationship’ heart will be the next step.

Of course we secretly hope that this new chica isn’t a Natalie Portman look-alike, but we also hope she isn’t some kind of Ke$ha-inspired hot mess. Because then you have to question everything. Now, your immediate reaction may be to cry because somehow your ex thought this Amy-Winehouse doppleganger had more to offer than you.

But when you actually start to think about it, laughter is probably a better choice. I mean, seriously dude, what were you thinking!? Would you ask the concierge to downgrade your penthouse suite to a closet-size room? Would you ask the flight attendant to bump your first-class seat to coach? Then, Tiger, Tony Parker, Jesse James, and all the skeezy downgraders of the world, why would you prefer a train-wreck over a girl who’s got it together?

After a lot of frustration and hours attempting to “man-alyze” the situation, I have come up with these reasons to explain why guys downgrade.

“The Fast-Food Fallacy”- When a guy is really hungry, he’s probably more likely to order a McDonald’s Big Mac instead of driving to a classy sit down restaurant. Well, the same goes for when he’s horny. If you two go to different schools (or in some severe situations, even if your dorms are far away), then chances are that this d-bag downgraded because you aren’t convenient. When he says “you deserve more than I can give you,”  he really means  that he deserves more than Facebook pokes and long-distance sexting. Although little miss-Big Mac is greasy, sloppy, and downright cheap, she probably lives in his dorm which makes her easy and obtainable. Don’t sweat it too much though, we all know Dollar Menu items only lead to clogged arteries and obesity.

“Tiger’s Trigonometric Theory”- We learned in grade school that 5+5= 10. What some guys fail to realize is that two “fives” do not add up to a ten. Neither do five “twos” or ten “ones.”( You heard it Tiger, no amount of IHOP waitresses or strippers will ever equal a supermodel).  By dumping you and sleeping with multiple women this guy probably thinks he’s somehow upgrading. In reality, he is just increasing his chances of getting Chlamydia.

“The Insecure Idiosyncrasy”- Standing next to a hot mess at a bar or party makes you feel good about yourself, right? Well, some guys feel the same way. Exhibit A: Jesse James probably chose a tattooed whore over an Oscar winning actress because he couldn’t stand that Sandra is not only better-looking, but also a lot more successful than him. If a guy is so insecure that he needs a skank to stroke his “ego” (literally and figuratively) than he wasn’t worth it anyway.

“Just Plain Stupidity”- There are certain guys who simply don’t know a good thing even when it climbs up on top of them. (Tony Parker, what the hell were you thinking when you cheated on Eva Longoria?) Everyone knows that if you’re lucky enough to be driving a Mercedes Benz, you don’t take a Toyota Camry out for a spin around the block. And texting, seriously? Didn’t you learn anything from Tiger?

Comments