Ask a Dude: Why’s He Being So Flakey?

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Dear Dude,

So, I met this guy at a bar a few weeks ago. He is a little bit older (27 and I’m 22).  He made some small talk with me and my friend, we left, I didn’t give him another thought.  Then, a week or so later we run into him again.  He asks if we remember him, we say we do but can’t remember his name.  The thing is, he remembers my name and a few small comments that I had made to him, and ends up buying me a drink and asking for my phone number before leaving.  The following week he texts me a few times to see “what’s up,” but each time I either had other plans or was not interested in going out to the bar.

Then, Wednesday night he texts me and says plainly “I’m taking you out on Saturday, don’t make any plans.”  I agree not to.  He follows up with me a day or so later to make sure we’re still on.  Friday night, he texts me to see “whats up” again.  I tell him I’m out with a friend. He asks where and then says he is coming to meet us there.  I tell him the place is about to close but we could meet up somewhere else.  He gives me the name of a bar to go to and actually calls me on the way to make sure I know where I’m going and says he “needs to see me.”  So, the night goes well.  We talk easily and laugh. He says, he’s planning to take me to dinner and then to a party with some friends the next night. (The Saturday date we had planned earlier in the week.)  As we’re leaving he says he’ll call after he gets off work.

So, Saturday I don’t hear from him until almost 8pm.  He completely disregards that we had dinner plans and asks if I want to go bowling with some of his friends.  I’m a little frustrated at this point so I say I think I’d like to rain check for another night.  He ignores this and says, How about karaoke.  So, I say I’ll see what I can do (with no real intention of trying to make it out to the bar with him and his friends).  A few hours later he calls me, I say, again, that I really just don’t this it will be a good night to get together.  I didn’t want to come off as “needy” or mad that he had been so flakey about our plans, so I figured it would be best just to stay away from him that night.  The next day, he texts me just to say he was thinking of me.

Now I’m so confused.  What is this guy’s deal? Does he like me?  If he didn’t want to take me out on an actual date then why would he initiate it and then flake about our plans?  I have given him no indication that I’m willing to hook up with him and so far we haven’t even kissed, so I’m not sure if maybe he is losing interest because of that, but he hasn’t even tried! I have so many questions and nothing is making sense!

Please help!
-  Deal Breaker?

Dear Deal Breaker,

DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

Get the heck away from this creep fast and furiously. He’s playing a dirty game that you can’t get much out of.

He’s come on strong (damn near stalkerish at times). What he’s done to get you to go out with him is an aggressive tactic that some guys can pull off: don’t give them the option of saying “no.”  By eliminating the question of “will you go out with me?” with the statement, “I’m taking you out,” then the guy is showing confidence but also creating the illusion that you don’t have the option to decline. It doesn’t always work but if the guy’s got enough swagger and charm, it’ll get the job done. Unfortunately, this is a tactic usually employed by guys whose self-confidence crosses the line of a**hole-ness.

Flakes are like warts; you just need to remove them entirely or else they’ll keep bugging you. Flakes, and this guy DEFINITELY sounds like a flake, don’t give a good gosh-darn for what you care about, they’re wrapped up in their own worlds. For this flake, it sounds like it’s a lot about playing the game and not about any special interest in you.

Look at the evidence: he takes control, makes plans for you, changes plans on you, doesn’t give you a moment to think for yourself, makes you work around his schedule, his plans, whatever he’s feeling like doing, and showing no interest or consideration for how he treats you. He’s playing past the point of coming off casual and into the realm of prickdom.

The absolute bottom line is this: give him as much thought as he seems to give you. If you don’t mind being tossed around at leisure and can keep it from getting at you, then keep letting him make plans and changing/breaking them. Just know that that’s what’s going to happen. Keep the expectations as low as possible and you can’t be too disappointed.

On the other hand, if you don’t feel like being jerked around, then lose his number and forget his phone calls. At first he might try harder at getting your attention, like a little boy being told he can’t have a cookie. Then he’ll do what all flakes do, get distracted by something else and leave you alone.

Helping You Get Head and Shoulders Above Him,
The Dude

[He’s good, right? Sigh, we know. Check out The Dude’s other insights into the male mind right here.]

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