Sexy Time: Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed
In a utopian world, we’d never have to ask for anything, ever. The cosmos would see to it that all our needs were met without us having to put in any effort into it. Alas, in the real world, it doesn’t work that way. If you want something, be it a raise at work or an extension on an assignment, you have to assert yourself. But that becomes especially harrowing when sex is involved.
There are those rare circumstances where you and your partner connect on every level and every romp in the sack is transcendent and magical and effortless. But for most of us, we usually end up with a partner who intuitively understands only some of our needs. The only way to get the most mindblowing sex you can imagine? Talk that ish out.
I know, sometimes talking about sex with the person you’re having it with is downright terrifying. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, or maybe you tell yourself you’re okay with having sex that’s only 70 percent awesome. Eventually, however, you could start to get resentful of the fact that you only orgasm 30 percent of the time (when you know that you’re capable of orgasming 98 percent of the time), or you’re going to develop a complex about your boobs (because, OMG, WHY WON’T MY BOO TOUCH/LICK/SUCK them? ARE THEY NOT GOOD ENOUGH?). Or you’ve suddenly realized you really want to try spanking, but you assume your partner isn’t into it because they’ve never brought it up.
But really? All of those problems, and a lot of other sexually related ones, can be solved by just talking about it in a mature, respectful way.
If it’s something more significant, like a noticeable decrease in your partner’s sex drive, have a conversation about it outside of the bedroom (where pressure and expectations may hinder openness). Make sure you’re as non-confrontational as possible and have an open, two-way dialogue. Even if you don’t resolve your problem immediately, at least you’re both on the same page. If you find yourself hitting an awkward wall, either keep talking through it or take a break and then come back to it. Sure, the conversation may get awkward or tense, but the best way to get past that is to confront it head on.
Not all circumstances require a super intense convo, though. Sometimes, you can suggest things while you’re hot and heavy. If your partner has a tendency to neglect certain parts of your body, all you have to do is softly move their hand to wherever you want it (okay, so occasionally closed mouths can get fed…) And, you know, it’s amazing how much power one sexy whisper can have. If your partner has a tendency to stop licking/sucking/penetrating before you hit orgasm, a simple, encouraging “no, don’t stop, keep going” may be all you need. When their hard work is rewarded with you reaching the pinnacle of sexy pleasure, they’ll totally get the message (hello, positive reinforcement!)
When it comes to toys and kink, I’ve found that it’s always most comfortable to talk about it in post-coital, cuddly afterglow, when you can ask your partner questions about what they’ve fantasized about/what they’re interested in trying sexually, and you can divulge your interests too.
Maybe none of these suggestions will work because, worst case scenario, you’re not sexually compatible. And that’s when you decide whether you’re okay with settling for less than spectacular nookie or break it off. But there’s also the distinct possibility you and your partner are a lot more similar than you thought, and you can work together to have the most fabulous sex ever. Either way, you’ll be making decisions based on facts instead of assumptions.
At the end of the day, if you want something, you gotta communicate it. I firmly believe that if you’re willing to open your legs to someone, you should definitely be able to open your mouth.