Sweet Valley Confidential – Ten Years Later, It’s Still Corny As Ever

I’m not too embarrassed to admit that I was an absolute Sweet Valley FANATIC growing up.  I’m not even above admitting that I read (and re-read) the books well into my high school and college years. While my classmates were devouring legit literature, I, the budding writer, was absolutely engrossed in the lives of two irritatingly perfect California blondes.

So you can probably imagine just how excited I was about Sweet Valley Confidential, the sequel to the iconic Sweet Valley High series and an account of what takes place “ten years later.”  The novel catches up with identical twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield as they navigate life on separate coasts at the age of twenty-seven.

I wish I could say that Sweet Valley Confidential doesn’t disappoint…. but that would be like saying Gossip Girl hasn’t disappointed me greatly this season.   Maybe it has something to do with my post-collegiate, highly evolved and remarkably sophisticated taste in books (yeah, right) – but I have a feeling that my discontent with this book stems from the fact that the writing is just plain awkward.  Francine Pascal is an absolute genius for creating the world of Sweet Valley, but she did the right thing by hiring a team of ghostwriters to put her idea into words.  Pascal’s writing tries too hard to do two things at once: write ornate prose and adopt vapid, twenty-first century teen speak  (do we really abuse the word “like” THAT much?).

But as cringe-worthy as the book may be, it’s every bit as comforting as catching up with old friends.  The book really forces readers to see Jessica and Elizabeth as individuals – Elizabeth has banished herself to the East Coast and is no longer in contact with her sister – and by doing this, we actually get a glimpse into who they are as people, not just as two halves of the famous Wakefield duo.  I’ve always been partial to Jessica, the “bad twin” (I’ve always seen her as more “misunderstood” than anything else, but I digress) and “ten years later,” that hasn’t changed.  Pascal still treats Elizabeth like an angel who can do no wrong, and her scenes (set apart from the Sweet Valley world) are just plain boring.  But even Elizabeth has grown up: she uses Facebook, contemplates revenge, and even has orgasms.  If that isn’t an indicator of how much has changed since high school, I don’t know what is.

In case my criticism of the book has turned you off (or if…you know, you have a life) and you’ve decided not to read it, I’ve compiled a comprehensive guide of all our favorite Sweet Valleyites.  And even though the book series was made into an oddly addictive television show with terrible plotlines and even more terrible acting, I’ve assigned modern-day celebrity equivalents to each of the major characters.

Elizabeth Wakefield:
In high school she was: In a word, perfect.  Liz Wakefield was equal parts beauty and brains, loved and respected by all.  She was a promising writer, consummate humanitarian, and loyal girlfriend to Todd Wilkins.

Ten years later she is: Living in New York City, broken-hearted, and completely isolated (as most New Yorkers are).  Surprisingly, it is Elizabeth, not Jessica, who struggles to find her professional niche; she works as a writer for a small-time theater review website.  For the first time, we get to see what Elizabeth is like without her sister and longtime love Todd Wilkins – which is probably a good thing.

Celebrity equivalent: Taylor Swift, the other golden girl who can do no wrong.

Jessica Wakefield:
In high school she was: The uber-fabulous captain of the cheerleading squad.  Jess didn’t have Elizabeth’s stellar grades, but there’s no denying that the girl had brains, talent, and charm to spare.  Jessica had a heart, but it often got lost behind her ego.  She was manipulative, self-absorbed, and more than a little shallow, but you couldn’t help but love her anyway.

Ten years later she is: Engaged (that’s all I’ll say) and struggling to adjust to life without her sister.  She’s some sort of marketing genius and a twenty-seven-year-old divorcee.  If you thought Jess would be the first Wakefield to break out of Sweet Valley and into the big city, you were wrong: she’s still living in her hometown.

Celebrity equivalent: Cameron Diaz.  Fun, flaky, and totally magnetic.

Todd Wilkins:
In high school he was: The “nice guy.”  Todd was a hunky basketball star who could have basically any girl, but he couldn’t see beyond Elizabeth Wakefield.  Often called “boring” by Jessica, Todd didn’t seem to have any real personality traits.

Ten years later he is:  Haunted by his not-so-nice past.  He’s in a committed relationship, working as a sports reporter, and still in Sweet Valley.

Celebrity equivalent: Zac Efron.  He’s hot, athletic, and when he makes a mistake, it shocks everyone.

Lila Fowler:
In high school she was: The rich girl.  Lila was a pretty, popular shopaholic.  She was often accused of being a superficial bitch, but I always thought there was more to her than that.  Lila was more affected by her runaway mother and absentee father than anyone would ever suspect.

Ten years later she is: Still the rich girl.  She’s separated from her husband (another old school character) and has fake boobs.

Celebrity equivalent: Kim Kardashian.  They share a love of football stars and designer clothes.

Steven Wakefield:
In high school he was: The twins’ older brother, and an aspiring lawyer.  He lost his first love to leukemia.

Ten years later he is: Married to Cara Walker, cheating on his wife, and hiding a BIG secret.

Celebrity equivalent: James Franco.  He’s sexy and smart, but still a complete mystery.

Winston Egbert:
In high school he was: The scrawny, nerdy class clown.

Ten years later he is: An egotistical dot com millionaire.  He’s a total mysoginistic jerk….let’s just say he gets what’s coming to him.

Celebrity equivalent: James Eisenberg, a la The Social Network.  Only nicer in the beginning and wayyyy meaner after success.

Bruce Patman:

In high school he was: the rich, good-looking tennis star.  Arrogant to the core.

Ten years later he is: A nice guy, and Elizabeth’s best friend.  What a difference ten years can make!

Celebrity equivalent: Ed Westwick.  He wears the wealthy jerk persona and the nice guy swagger equally well.

Ken Matthews:
In high school he was: Quarterback of the football team.  You know, THAT GUY…until an Earthquake killed his free-spirited girlfriend, Olivia.

Ten years later he is: An NFL star.  Naturally.

Celebrity equivalent: Kellan Lutz, the All-American jock.

Enid Rollins:
In high school she was: Elizabeth’s annoying best friend minion with a druggie past.

Ten years later she: Still sucks.  Now she’s a snooty doctor and recovering alcoholic.

Celebrity equivalent: I can’t think of anyone I hate that much.

Caroline Pierce:
In high school she was: The school gossip.  No one ever really liked her too much, not even Elizabeth.

Ten years later she is: Still putting everyone on blast.  She’s survived cancer, but still has no real friends.

Celebrity equivalent: Perez Hilton. Only without the gig on Chelsea Lately.

So what did you guys think of Sweet Valley Confidential?  Are you Team Elizabeth or Team Jessica?  What was your favorite storyline?  And HOW EXCITED ARE YOU FOR THE SWEET VALLEY HIGH MOVIE?