Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: May Edition

When it comes to Cosmo, there are two things I believe in wholeheartedly:

By Brittany

1. It is best read in the privacy of your own bedroom (or bathroom).

2. Every celebrity that agrees to be on the cover signs an ‘airbrush the shiz outta my titties’ waver the moment they waltz in to the photoshoot with their bag of grapes and that teacup puppy in their purse.

Now, I don’t know for sure if Haley Williams has a puppy or likes grapes, but I do know that her boobs look like they were sketched by van Gogh himself. Work of art, people.

But let’s stop staring at Haley’s too-perfect cleavage, get comfy under the covers (or on the toilet – that’s OK, too) and get to the meat of Cosmo’s May issue.

First things first, in my favorite giggle section of the magazine, ’101 Things About Men,’ dudes were asked “what prompts you to propose to a woman?”  Wanna know what 62% of them actually said? “She does something amazing, I realize I want to be with her forever.” Ground breaking, right? I’m just really wondering what this ‘amazing’ thing entails; sprouting two va-jay-jays? Tying them up with our undies (we’ll get back to that later)? Hm. I’m gonna go with “just being ourselves” and hope for the best.

Next up: ‘How to Decode His Strut.’  I rubbed my hands together in anticipation…. then learned that “the power walker’ is ambitious and motivated. Thanks, Cosmo! I never could have come up with that intricate observation myself.  Do you think that for June you could help me decode my man’s blinking style? He twitches when we are up too late at night. Cosmo, does this mean he’s passionate and determined for success? Or that he thinks the cellulite on my thighs is sexy?

On the very next page, an article called ‘How Guys Really Feel About Your BO’ flitted past my eyes.  I chose not read on, because I’m a lady and I always smell like rainbows and unicorns and instead ran to the gym to get my stink on. Come to mama, boys!

In the infamous Cosmo beauty section, ‘His Picks,’ Cosmo tells us he wants us to take a stiff-bristled brush and rub it all over his body to soothe nerve endings.  Whoever came up with this idea really needs to stop searching for pleasure in their beauty cabinet. (Seriously, don’t start coming up with some kinky ass ways to use my bronzer!) I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I’m not down with sharing my hair brush with his pubic region. Whatever happened to using our good ol’ hands, hmmmm?

After discovering my ‘flirting style’ was sincere yet physical in the latest love and lust quiz, I gallantly landed upon a great sexual tantalizer (my favorite part of the mag!) called ’75 Sex Moves His Ex Didn’t Do.’  Guess that means it’s my chance to impress!

Let’s get started.

Cosmo Says: Blindfolded me or tied me up using her thong. It’s unexpected and would have been so freaking hot.
Brittany Says: This sounds positively horrific. Let’s move past the fact that a string that was up my butt is now dangerously close to your mouth, but can you imagine the strap marks he would get on his face!?!? Shudder.

Cosmo Says: Use her legs to spin her body in a circle while riding me.  That’s my ultimate dream move.
Brittany Says: Key words: dream move. Things like this only happen in American Pie spin offs (the porny kind) and Tucker Max books.  But hey, I try to see the positive in everything so if anyone out there can successfully pull off this move, I want to know you. And learn from you.

Cosmo Says: I’m all for round two, but my ex would always try to rush into it.  She didn’t understand my body needed a little time to recover – I’m not a porn star!
Brittany Says: Ugh, riddle me this: this article is about things ex-girlfriends didn’t do. Clearly this ex-girlfriend was doing all she possibly could, including trying to keep the spark alive with a turn-around rate of a McDonald’s order.

Cosmo Says: I wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night with her already riding me.
Brittany Says:  Surprise midnight attack ride?  I’ll be honest – I’d be afraid the dude wouldn’t wake up mid-mount.  Then, I’d have to lay back down with a hard understanding that I just humped my boyfriend and he kept dreaming about Call of Duty.

Cosmo Says: Whispered, ‘I’m so wet’ when we were out to dinner.
Brittany Says: What? Your ex never did that? Dude, I’m whispering this WHENEVER we get the basket of breadsticks at The Olive Garden.

Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.