He Said/She Said: The Confusing Things Guys Do

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Benjamin Franklin once said (I know, I can’t believe I’m quoting Benjamin Franklin either) “Nothing is certain but death and taxes.” B. Frank was a smart man and he made a good point, but I’d like to add one more certainty to that list: confusion from the male gender.

It’s no secret that guys confuse us. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t need The Dude to explain them to us, or the entire relationship self-help aisle at Barnes and Noble. We wouldn’t spend hours trying to decipher what they meant in that last text message or find a way to ask every single person we knew why he’d ask to walk us home and then never call again. We’d all be blissfully happy and problem-free with our long-term boyfriends who are open, honest and straightforward.

But, alas, as great as some guys may be, they are still incredibly mysterious creatures that continually find new ways to confuse the the sh*t out of us. (Well, not literally. I’m not even sure that’s possible.) And while every day brings more confusion, there are 7 main things about guys I’ll never understand.

1. How they can masturbate so often: I’m not against a little self-stimulation, but I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how frequently guys take matters into their own hands. Literally. Like most ladies, I need to be in a certain mood in order to benefit from masturbation, but guys? They do it when they’re bored, when they’ve got nothing else to do, when they have the rooms to themselves, when they’re studying, when their favorite team scores. Like, seriously, doesn’t it ever get boring!?

2. How they can take everything so literally. When I tell my boyfriend that everything is “fine” and that “sure, I don’t care if you don’t come over and take care of me when I’m sick in bed so you can go play basketball with your friends,” does he genuinely take that at face value and believe it, or is that simply a conscious defense mechanism to rid him of any guilt or wrong-doing?

3. The obsession with girl on girl. Really, it’s cliche and it’s been done. And I just don’t get why it’s the ultimate guy fantasy; I mean, it’s not like they’re inviting the guys to join in.

4. Why they say one thing and do another. If you’re not going to call, DON’T. But don’t try to ease your guilt or delay the bad news by lying to me. How do guys not understand that it makes things worse? I’d rather know now then sit around and wait by the phone for a call that is never going to come. Grow some balls, show me some respect and just say what you mean. Isn’t that what guys do?

5. The pride issue. Asking for help doesn’t make you less of a man. Either does being vulnerable, admitting you’re wrong, or wanting to be in a relationship instead of boning everyone with two legs and a vagina. It’s 2011, so why must guys still play into this whole “macho man” role? It’s pathetic.

6. Their detailed knowledge of arbitrary sports stats. Like yards rushed or batting average or total points in a game….from 1989. How the hell do they retain all of that!?

7. The penis: How do you sit with that thing? Or run? Or walk? What does it feel like to have something just…hanging out down there? I just really don’t understand it.

Now, to be fair, guys aren’t the only ones to blame. Anyone with a pulse knows that we ladies aren’t the easiest people to decipher. Let’s see what we’re doing to boggle the minds of men on CoedMagazine.



    1. aDude says:

      "2. How they can take everything so literally."

      What do you think the purpose of language is?

    2. Sydney Mae Bickford says:

      #2. Is stupid. YDI for not telling him how you actually feel in the first place.

      However, you read my mind with #6. Who has the time to learn all of that?

    3. emiko says:

      I'm with you guys on the idea that you should tell it straight to the guys–they're not mind readers, and it's not always obvious. I'm a little disappointed, though–usually I like the guys response, but this one was downright insulting. It also stereotypes–I don't know ANYONE who goes to brunch every week, nor do I know anyone who puts any stock in fortune telling. Maybe the author needs to calm down a little and branch out?

    4. Theguy says:

      #1 if your clit was 6 inches long and got a good rubbing every time you moved you'd masturbate all the time too.
      #2. Uh no estrogen equals logic.
      # 3 We imagine ourselves as the third person in the scene.
      #4 it's less work your drams wears us out. It's easier to just not call
      #5 because women always say they want a "nice" guy but the macho jerks get all the action. This one is on you guys. You train us that way.
      #6 if you emptied your mind of all the random things the in girl brain like what every kind of shoe looks like and how much it costs, you' d have plenty room for all that sports stuff.
      #7 see #1

    5. Theguy says:

      #3 should drama noy drams. Oops.

    6. justanotherguy says:

      I can tell you that I care the least of probably any man about sports, and yet, even after watching one game of hockey during the playoffs, I could tell you the Bruins entire starting line and how they've performed recently. It doesn't take much more than a few minutes to pick up quite a bit from a televised sporting event.

    7. Arthur says:

      FYI : Not all guys has those 6 imperfections (that's without counting #7). But I must sadly agree that there are TOO MANY who do.. However.. A lot of Women are just as confusing and contradictory..

      And, yes, emiko, I agree that Theguy's answer is insulting and wasn't called for.

    8. IronAvenger says:

      1. It's comparatively easier, doesn't take as long, is very enjoyable, always leads to climax, and especially as you get older, can prevent painful physical prostate problems.

      2. Because we call a spade a spade. In male language "I'm fine" means "I'm fine" not "read my mind". That's why we find "what does he REALLY mean when he says…" articles in Cosmo so hysterical.

      3. Because we don't have to do anything but watch two women climax. Also, to pick up pointers.

      4. If we say we're going to call and don't, it's because we don't want to cause some sort of scene. Unless we do eventually call, in which case we're either jerks looking for another romp, or dumb plumb forgot to call.

      5. Try being a guy and going around whining and asking for help. Men won't respect you and nor will women.

      6. The same way you retain all those things we think pointless.

      7. When not erect, in most men it retracts to a manageable size and stays roughly where the base of it is. It's the testicles that roll around, etc.

    9. Chelsea says:

      You must not have a brother…

    10. […] last week I listed off the 7 things about guys I really don’t understand. At all. Like male genitalia…. why does it always look so….alien-like? The purpose […]

    11. bumblefish1985 says:

      1. You should masturbate more often, dont make me do it less.
      2. My day doesnt stop because you're having a bad one, make your own cup of tea if you're sick.
      3. Not my ultimate fantasy but a good one.
      4.Im guilty of not calling when I said I would, but I have been stood up many times by women in the past as well. Lets call this one even.
      5. I almost yearn to be wrong. Being wrong and corrected is called learning and I love learning.
      6. Men know sports, women know celebrity gossip. Again, lets call this one even.
      7. Penis' confuse your? Really? I feel bad for your boyfriend.

    12. criolle johnny says:

      2. "When I tell my boyfriend …" It's called TRUST. Men have this concept called integrity. From our first steps we are trained that "A Man's Word … " Women have no such training, they are taught to survive in order to protect themselves and their offspring.
      We are so accustomed to OUR word being good, that we make the mistake of assuming that YOUR word is good. When you say something, WE BELIEVE IT.
      That's why I constantly repeat myself on this column, when you talk to men,
      S-A-Y I-T W-I-T-H W-O-R-D-S.
      We understand words. Subtle hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Pop-ups on his browser do not work. Neon signs with brass bands do not work.
      S-A-Y I-T W-I-T-H W-O-R-D-S!
      Google the greatest poets and playwrights in history. They're all M-E-N. They said it WITH WORDS. Other men bought their works because they were done in … wait for it … WORDS.
      We believe in the integrity and unwritten contract of the spoken word. We have no respect for a person, male or female who cannot live up to his/her WORD.
      That implied contract cannot change with the mood of the person who spoke a week later. It is not subject to interpretation when you talk to your friends who disapprove. It is a bond between two people.

      …. or perhaps it's just a dick thing and you'll never understand.

    13. deedeedee says:

      How is this article supposed to help understand anything? Typical pointless article! All questions and rehashed, lazy, stereotypical obsevations.

    14. Christina says:

      I'm a woman and I masturbate when I'm bored, procrastinating or just for the fun of it. I dislike the implication that women all delicate flowers who need to be in the exact right state of mind with the planets in the exactly right angle to enjoy an orgasm.

    15. Lydia says:

      I seriously hate how many people take some of the articles on the site seriously. It's humor. Maybe crappy humor to some, but that is still all it is intended to be.

    16. MissM says:

      7: dude, I've definitely thought about that before haha. I…guess it's kind of like having to deal with boobs? Except the fleshy appendage is between the legs, not stuck on the chest.

    17. […] the most part, yes, giving a blow job is pretty straight forward. I mean, for guys who get themselves off 42 times a day, it doesn’t take much to please ‘em, am I right? But there’s so much to think […]

    18. tych says:

      4: "Grow some balls, show me some respect and just say what you mean."

      Seriously? personally I'm a very honest person and I most likely would do it always. But you're expecting every guy to be? I can't even express how unfair that is, how often do girls lie to guys? I'm sure they do that a lot as well. But WE have to be honest ALWAYS, rediculous. And the "Grow some balls" statement is just pathetic coming from a girl.

      5: That's simply the biology of the male sex. When males are around females we automatically act more "macho" there have been several studies of this, look it up. It is exactly the same as females always need to look "pretty" some men are more macho than others, and feel like they should, while some women think they need to put on 4 kg's of make-up to look pretty. And lastly the "It's 2011" thing, how fast do you think evolution works? the male sex might become less "macho" over time, but that will take some time, not a decade.

    19. Ally says:

      1) I takes less than 5 minutes to have a great feeling. Most relationships I've been in the girl wants to get off as often as I'll get myself off, she just wants me to spend half an hour doing it for her. Which, while mostly fine and usually fun for me too, makes this question feel a little presumptuous.

      2) Either you've been too cryptic and we think that's what you mean, or we can tell you slightly passive-aggressively telling us what to do in order to be nice to you. It's not up to us, it's not a favour, it's not even a nice thing anymore – it's expected. And we sometimes resent that and play dumb. Know what I do when I'm ill? Do my best to take care of my own damn self, certainly don't *require* her to come take care of me.

      3) Because there's more. We like girls, more of them enjoying each other is hot to us. I think this is partly a difference between how guys and girls are aroused – for guys, I think we're looking at the girl, the partner. For girls, i think it's more about the interaction between the partners. Two girls doesn't need a guy because we looking at both girls in the same way we'd look at one girl with a guy. I might be wrong here though.

      4) Either a) we meant to and couldn't get round to it or, more likely, b) you've been on the end of some bad 'uns, I'd say most will try to do as they say. [possible, normally rare, hidden option c) don't get so pissed off when we say we won't call so it's not a temptation to lie and avoid a royal bollocking then and there].

      5) Tricky one. Sometimes it's excessive pride, often it's just very difficult to strike the balance between what needs asking for help and what doesn't. And the fact that guys spend our whole lives with other guys where you just don't do that, and, what sometimes doesn't help, if a girl spends 30 minutes saying everything that's wrong with her and is upsetting her, we feel very uncomfortable then launching in. You know how guys can go straight to sex, girls generally need 20/30 minutes foreplay first? It's that, just the other way round, for problems/issues we have. Except we're no good at saying we need the foreplay. Sometimes an excessively macho guy is just a tool, don't hold it against all guys.

      6) Really? There is no area where you have a curious amount of arbitrary knowledge because you enjoy it? But other people don't enjoy it, so can't possibly see how you can know that much about it? i find that very hard to believe. We all have our esoteric areas, many guys just tend to share sports (p.s. I'm English so have no idea about rushing yards etc., but could tell you who scored the tries in the last 6 Nations; even 'sport' is a very misleadingly broad term).

      7) You have two much larger and more in-the-way things sitting under your chin the whole time and you get on with it. It's exactly like that; you have it the entire time, you just don't notice it.

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