Seventeen Says The Darnest Things: Summer Lovin’ Edition

    Posted in Entertainment

Ah…another month, another chance to crack open a fresh issue of Seventeen.  A chance to take in the season’s hottest fashions (many of which include stripes, plaid, or polka dots – the same as EVERY FREAKIN’ SEASON).  A chance to pick up some killer flirting tips (“that shirt is hot on you!” = my new line.)  A chance to – IS THAT REALLY ANOTHER ARTICLE THAT REVEALS “THE TRUTH ABOUT HOOKUPS?”  Like, seriously, Seventeen?  You don’t need to to talk about that in every single issue.

But I digress – this month’s cover girl was Emma Roberts, who I absolutely despise because, according to the article, the bitch stole my man.  Yup, you heard me: she’s allegedly seeing Chace Crawford, which I just can’t forgive.  Cover girl Emma laments her angsty teenage past (which she left behind a whole entire year ago) and claims that she used to feel like no one understood her.  Yawn.  Newsflash, Em – we’ve all been there.  It’s called high school.

Aside from one really moving article about a girl who watched her boyfriend die, this month’s Seventeen was more of the usual.  There was the requisite article about the dangers of self-esteem issues and, like in every other issue, body image issues were addressed. Now, I get it.  Body image issues are really serious, and magazines like Seventeen have a responsibility to help young girls work through these problems.  I really do commend the staff of Seventeen for their efforts to promote this cause….but it would be so much more effective if they didn’t feature exclusively stick-thin models (the only exceptions seem to be the “curvy” or “plus-size” fashion spread models) on every page.  Just sayin’.

It would also be nice if they didn’t give unrealistic advice to their readers. Somehow, no matter how many times Seventeen treads the “hookup secrets” territory, they still manage to make me laugh/shake my head/roll my eyes. This month’s “Sex-Ed: The Truth About Summer Hookups” was no exception.  Some bad advice teenage girls everywhere are getting this month?

Seventeen says: “So ask yourself if the decision to hook up is one that you’ll feel good about once the buzz wears off?”
Zara says:  Okay, here’s the thing: if that kind of logical thinking was a possibility, it wouldn’t be called intoxication. And what are you doing promoting underage drinking, Seventeen!?

Seventeen says: “If you do decide to hook up with a random guy who you’ve just met, make a deal with your friends to tell each other when you sneak off for privacy – then set a time to check in by text.”
Zara says
:  Tell me one girl who stops a little romantic tryst to text her friends. How would that even work? “Oh, hold on, Billy. Can you take your hand out of my shorts for a second? Gotta text my BFFers!”

Seventeen says: “Tell him up front – like when you first start kissing – what your limits are.  That way you’re thinking with your brain, not your body.  Guys actually say they feel relieved when you’re the one to take the pressure off.”
Zara says:  There’s something you should know about guys: they lie.

Look, it’s not that I think this advice is terrible; it’s that I think it’s unrealistic and therefore, well, OK, terrible. Better luck next month, Seventeen!

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