Sex is a Hot Bed of Insecurity

Oh no, does my hair look OK like this?

Sex. It’s a love-hate relationship. While it should be “love at first orgasm,” all the bending and unflattering positions have me thinking more about my body than about the big “O.” And then there’s my ability to perform – am I good? Am I bad? Am I so bad that he tells all his friends about it? Does he notice me lying there thinking about all these things?

It’s a series of events during an evening that lead me to experience the “insecurity plague.”  Here’s the breakdown:

8 PM– Dinner is over; the date’s going good. We’re both feeling it. Suddenly, he reaches over and pulls me in for a kiss. He’s got soft lips and for a brief moment, I’m lost in eternal bliss. But then, I remember the onions I ate in my salad at dinner and quickly pull my tongue back, wondering if my breath smells.

9 PM– Soon after, we’re in his bedroom. We start making out and it’s getting’ hot and heavy. He pulls my shirt down and unhooks my bra. I’m packin’ the Ds so it’s hard not to worry about my breasts when it comes to sex. They’re heavy, so they lack the extra perk. Questions run through my head. Do my boobs look weird when I’m lying on my back? Are my nipples too big? How big are nipples suppose to be anyway?!

9:02 PM– Before I know it, he’s unzipping my jeans and making his way south. I go right into my head: What underwear am I wearing? Please don’t let it be the granny panties. Phew, it’s the stripey boy shorts. Does he like boy shorts or is he more of a thong guy? OK, looks like he doesn’t mind. As he makes his way south from my lips, I fear my nether regions are not up to par. And then I start wondering: Did I miss any hair while shaving? OMG- what if he thinks my ingrown hairs and razor burn is an STD? Does my vagina look weird?  Does it smell….fresh?

9:06 PM– He went down on me, so it’s time to reciprocate. I start to wonder if he likes what I’m doing. Nobody ever said I was bad, but nobody ever said I was good either. Am I going too fast? Too slow? Are those good sounds? Wait, why did he stop making sounds? Uh oh, did my teeth just hit his penis?! We’ll never make it to a second date if I let my teeth get in the way!

9:11 PM– By now, we’re both completely naked. He reaches over to his nightstand and grabs a condom. All of a sudden, a wave of worry runs through me: is this a one-night stand? Call me prude, but I’m not down to bump and grind unless I’m damn sure I’m going to be bumpin’ and grindin’ with the same guy every night.

9:12 PM– About two seconds after we start, I begin to wondering how many other girls he’s done this with recently.  I try to tell myself not to worry; we’ve got a condom, everything will be okay.

9:25 PM– I’m getting close to the big O when, suddenly, he makes one wrong move and the feeling’s gone…donezo! Just like that. It takes time to build back up, and I’m worrying if I am taking too long. I’m concentrating so hard on how long it’s taking me, I forget how to orgasm. I need to stop thinking so much. He’s totally going to notice I’m thinking too much. Get in the moment, woman!

9:35 PM– I think he’s getting bored. He flips me over. I feel more self-conscious than ever. My breasts are shaking. I hope he doesn’t notice. And my ass is in plain view for him to see! It’s shaking too. I wonder if he can see the dimples on my butt, or if the sound of me slapping against him bothers him as much as it does me.

9:37 PM– It’s over. He’s finished. At least I think he finished. Did he finish? OMG, what if he faked it? What if it was so bad he just wants it to be over so he can go to sleep? Is he going to call again? I hope he calls again.



  1. Emma says:

    This play-by-play scenario is awful! You made it sounds like you're a rag doll he just found and brought home with him. Where are your choices about when things are happening? whats being taken off? what feels good to you? No wonder you see sex as a 'hot bed of insecurities'. you seem to think you have no say, no power and no ability to communicate to your partner at all about anything that is described here. LIke does it really take you only 4 minutes of him going down on u to get you revved up?also when he moved away from what you liked later did you say anything?
    I know this is all hypothetical but come on! Where is your voice in sex? Your insecurity lies in the fact you have no idea what he's thinking so you're just assuming and he's probably doing the same thing. Not only does that make for lousy sex but as you said makes you feel totally insecure and that is not at all what sex ) is about. (with anyone, one night stand to LTR)

  2. Amanda says:

    The article wasnt suppose to be about what feels good to me and what I like. The article was about insecurities women have during sex. And quite frankly, asses jiggling and looking fat is real common thoughts of women when being naked. This article was hypothetical. Based on feelings women have in bed. I dont even feel insecure anymore at all, as I am in a LTR.

  3. S says:

    I think this article does convey a lot of the emotions some people feel when having sex with someone for the first time. Everyone is nervous and confused and worried about doing something wrong. Sex can sometimes be a scary thing but it can also be a really fun thing.

  4. lolaisforlovers says:

    I actually found this hysterical. I feel that way too sometimes when I'm messing around with boys, but only for like the first five minutes. Then I'm just really happy that I'm getting some, haha.

  5. Abbey says:

    I LOVE THIS!! this is exactly what goes through my head while having sex! This is why I like drunk sex the best ;)

    1. Amanda says:

      LOL true story, being drunk always helps things. loll

  6. Rythen says:

    Okay so im one of those dudes that happened to google something and bumped into this, i started reading and was hooked…listen all these insecurities arent necessary, i agree with a previous comment with a voice, its not bad to get "roudy" as in getting a little agressive and demanding on your needs, because from a guyes perspective honeslty the more comfortable you are with yourself the more comfortable i am thrusting where an how you like it ;) , dont worry about yourself , im sure you took care of your part prior to the date , now its time to put in work! haha – but hey thats just me

    1. Elizabeth says:

      dude, i don't even want to know what you were googling, that you hit this instead.

  7. guest says:

    man! everyone needs to chill. as a guy, we are also concerned about style, length, girth, technique, etc…everyone needs to just relax and enjoy and communicated. 'hey, could you do that?' that feels good' etc,
    if both communicate a little, the insecurities pass and a good time is had by all

  8. Sarah says:

    This made my head hurt. Way to make sex sound awful.

    Is this really a common experience for woman? That's so… sad. Jiggling is hot.

  9. ucity88 says:

    "We’ll never make it to a second date if I let my teeth get in the way!"

    If you go all the way on a first date, it doesn't matter how good or bad you are…he's gonna be a happy guy!

  10. kendra says:

    Lmao, I think I worry about literally everything on here regularly. Especially the nipple thing. Great article.

  11. […] sex I want to address this week is insecurity. That crippling insecurity that a fellow CC writer detailed struck a nerve with me, and I’m sure many of you as well. I completely relate to those […]

  12. Meghan says:

    This sounds horrible. That's why I opt for sleeping with men I actually know and am comfortable with. Hmm…

  13. Jasper says:

    reading this made my head hurt… normally during sex i think about nothing at all, once the penis is erect all thought is "thrust aside"… unless the presented vagina has the odor of swamp rot

  14. Iracilda says:

    t.j,while there is ease/safety in not knowing, it does not help when trniyg to make life-long changesit is true that opposites attract but they do so for a reason. perhaps it is the thing you are trniyg to understand about is no coincidence that you struggle with recognizing emotions and cues and end up with the person who is so intense, in a way.perhaps you are trniyg to understand that part of yourself by choosing these women. when i say choosing I mean unconsciously choosing. the more you can understand yourself, the more you can have actual control of the choices you make and the more those choices will be fully conscious.ask yourself, why am I missing cues? just because you have been doing it all your life does not mean you have to continue doing so.also, are you speaking up for your needs? are you setting boundaries?if you have been in the same situation over and over, what are you doing different for yourself?we have no control over what people do/feel/think but we do have control over our choices. if we understand ourselves better, we can make more informed choices.from the way you are describing it these women are needing so much from you and you feel suffocated in these situations.again, it makes me wonder if your emotional needs were paid attention to as a child. how available were your parents to pay attention to your emotions and how did they express their own emotions? maybe there wasn’t enough closeness in your home on some level and that pulls you toward women who want too much because you did not get enough. or another possibility, maybe a parent or even both were needy as well and you grew up knowing that so in some way you are pulled toward that dynamic. we are often pulled toward childhood unhealthy but familiar dynamics in order to work through them as adults. that pull is often unconscious. so until we make it conscious for ourselves we will be in the same cycle over and over.thanks for your honesty.

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