Sex. It’s a love-hate relationship. While it should be “love at first orgasm,” all the bending and unflattering positions have me thinking more about my body than about the big “O.” And then there’s my ability to perform – am I good? Am I bad? Am I so bad that he tells all his friends about it? Does he notice me lying there thinking about all these things?
It’s a series of events during an evening that lead me to experience the “insecurity plague.” Here’s the breakdown:
8 PM– Dinner is over; the date’s going good. We’re both feeling it. Suddenly, he reaches over and pulls me in for a kiss. He’s got soft lips and for a brief moment, I’m lost in eternal bliss. But then, I remember the onions I ate in my salad at dinner and quickly pull my tongue back, wondering if my breath smells.
9 PM– Soon after, we’re in his bedroom. We start making out and it’s getting’ hot and heavy. He pulls my shirt down and unhooks my bra. I’m packin’ the Ds so it’s hard not to worry about my breasts when it comes to sex. They’re heavy, so they lack the extra perk. Questions run through my head. Do my boobs look weird when I’m lying on my back? Are my nipples too big? How big are nipples suppose to be anyway?!
9:02 PM– Before I know it, he’s unzipping my jeans and making his way south. I go right into my head: What underwear am I wearing? Please don’t let it be the granny panties. Phew, it’s the stripey boy shorts. Does he like boy shorts or is he more of a thong guy? OK, looks like he doesn’t mind. As he makes his way south from my lips, I fear my nether regions are not up to par. And then I start wondering: Did I miss any hair while shaving? OMG- what if he thinks my ingrown hairs and razor burn is an STD? Does my vagina look weird? Does it smell….fresh?
9:06 PM– He went down on me, so it’s time to reciprocate. I start to wonder if he likes what I’m doing. Nobody ever said I was bad, but nobody ever said I was good either. Am I going too fast? Too slow? Are those good sounds? Wait, why did he stop making sounds? Uh oh, did my teeth just hit his penis?! We’ll never make it to a second date if I let my teeth get in the way!
9:11 PM– By now, we’re both completely naked. He reaches over to his nightstand and grabs a condom. All of a sudden, a wave of worry runs through me: is this a one-night stand? Call me prude, but I’m not down to bump and grind unless I’m damn sure I’m going to be bumpin’ and grindin’ with the same guy every night.
9:12 PM– About two seconds after we start, I begin to wondering how many other girls he’s done this with recently. I try to tell myself not to worry; we’ve got a condom, everything will be okay.
9:25 PM– I’m getting close to the big O when, suddenly, he makes one wrong move and the feeling’s gone…donezo! Just like that. It takes time to build back up, and I’m worrying if I am taking too long. I’m concentrating so hard on how long it’s taking me, I forget how to orgasm. I need to stop thinking so much. He’s totally going to notice I’m thinking too much. Get in the moment, woman!
9:35 PM– I think he’s getting bored. He flips me over. I feel more self-conscious than ever. My breasts are shaking. I hope he doesn’t notice. And my ass is in plain view for him to see! It’s shaking too. I wonder if he can see the dimples on my butt, or if the sound of me slapping against him bothers him as much as it does me.
9:37 PM– It’s over. He’s finished. At least I think he finished. Did he finish? OMG, what if he faked it? What if it was so bad he just wants it to be over so he can go to sleep? Is he going to call again? I hope he calls again.