Dude’s List: Top 11 Reasons He’s Happy He’s a He Instead of a She

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So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

Bring on the hate mail! This time the Dude’s List is bringing you 11 reasons boys like being boys instead of girls. I’m not suggesting all of the advantages discussed below are ethical or moral. I’m talking about the real-world practices and double standards. Fairness isn’t part of the debate. In an ideal world, would there be advantages for one over the other (probably)? Would they be this subjective and this environmentally influenced (probably)? Would they be the same ones?

Hopefully, not all…

1.    PMS, FTW
We appreciate getting cramps for reasons other than our body deciding to completely overhaul our entire beings like Amy Adams’ on Smallville. Honestly, if you had the choice, would you like to bleed uncontrollably for 7 days every month?

2.    Menopause?
The endgame of numero uno on the list. We don’t need to go through anything more physical for our midlife crises than pointless piercings and arrhythmia resulting from over compensatory spending of our joint savings account.

3.    No Labor Pains
Yeah, like this wasn’t your first guess?

4.    An Extra 40% On Payday
Alright, I feel some hurtin’ comin’ at me from a lot of people. It’s a harsh reality but it’s the case in the country I live in. Is it fair? Absolutely not! Is it legal? It shouldn’t be. Should an Equal Rights Amendment have passed? I wish so. But it didn’t, in large part because a lot of women torpedoed it along with the bigoted boys clubs. Right now, in this time, it’s still an advantage to be on a man when it comes to a paycheck. Times, they are a changin’.

5.    We Go Fast, You Get Furious
I’m not going to say 90% of the people I nearly collide with because they’re pulling out of a space after their third attempt to parallel park right as I’m passing by are missing a Y chromosome. I’m not saying that…at all.

6.    The Older, the Hotter
Clooney has never been dreamier. Connery had more women fawning over him when he did “The Rock” than during all 6 Bond flicks. Daniel Craig’s pushing 40. Hugh Jackman? RDJ? And then you’ve got Bieber… We age like fine wine and cheese (granted we still have to take care of ourselves, of course). For you ladies, it seems to be treated as a curse! 30-Love! 40-Love! Advantage, Team Penis.

7.    We Can Masturbate Discreetly
Please argue this on the comment board below…Visual aids and diagrams as well as philosophical citations are encouraged.

8.    Beards Are Sexy On Us
Facial hair. Hell, grooming in general is a check in our box. We get to be a lot more lax. We save money, time, and stress. Sure, we’ll fight the belly by hitting a gym at some point but anti-wrinkle creams, facials, waxing, daily shaving of our entire bodies, only the select few of us that get contracts with the WWE need go through such a rigorous regimen…plus the bald/shaved head look isn’t a statement, it’s expected.

9.    We Die First
Golden years my ass! Nobody wants to be the last man standing. We’d rather be remembered and idealized. Sure, this only counts for a few years but we’ll take what we can get.

10. What’s Subtext?
We may be deaf, dumb, and stupid but you can’t claim we’re purposefully convolute. When we say, “of course, no problem, I’m fine hanging out alone,” we aren’t telepathically testing you. Are there moments where we send a mixed signal or two, absolutely, but I’ll bet you we’re being oblivious rather than malicious.

11. We Love Ourselves
A great comic once said, even the ugliest, pimpliest, fattest piece of crap can wake up in the morning, look at himself in the mirror and go: “Stud.” Do you look in the mirror after a blackout night with no make-up on, slouched over, and say that about yourselves? How advertising has distorted self-image. Damn you, Vogue!

That’s the 11 that made it on this edition of the Dude’s List. Are they fair? Are they all factual? Are they realistic? Would you admit it if they were? Fire away down below in the comments section. Just keep in mind, there’s no advocating on the Dude’s List, just observation and generalization. Are there exceptions that prove the rule? Oh, Hell yeah! But all clichés have a little truth poured into their foundations. And don’t worry, every strength is a weakness…more on that to come.

Hey Ladies…Come Out and Plaaaaaaaaaay,
The Dude

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