This Post-Grad Life: I Want My College Routine Back

I should really be home watching One Tree Hill reruns right now.

Through a lot of self-evaulation these past few months, I’ve decided a lot of things (like hookin’ up) post college are not too diverse from life as a monkey college student.  Basically, I’m still a hot mess that is trying to figure out who I am and what I’m meant to do on this planet (blah, blah, blah).

By Brittany

But through recent experience as a graduate, I’ve found one thing that is completely different from the college world. And when I say different, I’m talking black and white. Hairy and waxed. Sour and sweet. Glass of wine and shots of jag chased with Juicy Juice in your dorm.

Read: Completely different.

That’s why I wanted to take small snippets out of a day in college and a day in the real world and look at them side by side. Because, well, who doesn’t love comparing a day in the real world, with a day in the zoo? Did I say zoo? I meant college. (Side Note: I’m not judging anyone here! Actually, I’m slightly jealous).

7:15 a.m.

College Brittany: Did I just open my eyes on accident?!? Cue the absolute horror. Hmm, who took me home last night? I’ll worry about that later. Snuggle back into my bed and get back to that dream I was having about swinging on a swingset with Bradley Cooper while he fed me cinnamon sticks and whipped cream…

Post-Grad Brittany: ALARM. IS. GOING OFF. The day has sucker punched my life harder than Vanessa Hudgens (do you get it? Suckerpunch? Movie? Ok, bad joke). OK, must get up. Today is a miracle. Today is a miracle. Today is a miracle. Tell yourself that, Britt. Now get up.

9:20 a.m.

College Brittany: Finally roll out of bed for a 9:35 a.m. class. It almost makes me ill how early it is, and it’s way too early to stomach food. I’ll swipe my card for an Orange Naked Juice at the caf before class. When is the last time I washed these jeggings? Whatever. I can’t be bothered by saggy cotton knees with mysterious stains and a dirty sweatshirt a boy gave me last weekend to walk home in. I’m off to English, homeless looking or not.

Post-Grad Brittany: My feet are sweating profusely in my pleather heels as I type an email with meaning and purpose.  I’m trying to fulfill a deadline for 9:30 and my life will depend on it. Seriously, I will die in my desk chair if I don’t fulfill it (partially because of embarrassment and partially caused by feelings of incompetence). Push everything off my desk dramatically like the moment before two co-workers go at it against their Mac desktop. Except, I’m not looking to get some. I’m looking for my coffee. There it is. CHUG.

10:35 a.m.

College Brittany: Holy hungry hungry hippo.  I could raid a food shelf right about now and not be embarrassed about it at all.  I immediately call up my roommate, demand she meet me in the cafeteria for the last bit of cheesy eggs or I will stalk and kidnap her. She agrees to meet me and we sit down for brunch and people watch. We smile at people we met on Friday at 2 a.m. and judge everyone else intensely because it is fun.

Post-Grad Brittany: I’ve carefully packed a lunch before work and I’m jumping the gun to get at it. I spend thirty minutes in the lunch room toasting an English muffin, cutting and apple and pairing it with some tasty cheese, and refilling my new ceramic Starbucks coffee cup. I read the horoscopes and comics in the Variety section, pat myself on the back and waltz back upstairs to finish a project. My horoscope said I was amazing. Therefore, I am.

11:42 a.m.

College Brittany: Omg. Nap.

Post Grad Brittany: Omg. I FEEL SO ALIVE. Another Starbucks, please?

3:00 p.m.

College Brittany: Sure, I’ll watch Judge Judy and procrastinate everything that actually matters. Then I will paint my nails. Then I will have a casual yoga session in my own family room. Then I will cook a gourmet grilled cheese. Then I will eat it and decide I need another.

Post Grad Brittany: My eyes are crossed from looking at a computer screen for so long and all I want to do is call my Mama so I can unload my astronomical stress level on the person that gave me life. That is, if I can muster the energy to reach for my phone. Will anyone notice if I sneak under my desk for a little nap?

6:30 p.m.

College Brittany:  Two-hour work out sesh to sweat out all that vodka. Two-hour shower to rinse off all that vodka. Small feast in the cafeteria with my girlfriends to talk about buying more vodka.

Post Grad Brittany: Freaking out because I need to run to the grocery store and buy dinner. All I have to my name are Spagettios and expired milk. But I’m hungry now and the grocery store will add another hour on to my day. Instead, I opt out for Jimmy Johns delivery as a reward for an accomplished day at work and barely squeeze enough time for Facebook, a quick run, a shower, and watching ‘The Biggest Loser’ finale by candlelight.

9:30 p.m.

College Brittany: Talk briefly with the girls about going out, and decide we would rather make random videos and post them on each other’s Facebook wall and ignore our Economics homework. Then we get stuck watching Planet Earth and narrating the animals.

Post Grad Brittany: Time for SLEEP so I can dream about the weekend. Just gotta get up off the couch. God, why is this so hard? 1, 2, 3! Up and at ‘em, Brittany. I drag myself to wash my face, take my vitamins, read a magazine and crawl in bed. It feels so good I consider never getting out of it again. Like seriously, permanent bed rest.

11:12 p.m.

College Brittany: Spent two hours talking about things that will never matter with my roommates. Now it’s time to lay in bed and dream about Thirsty Thursday and that cute boy I always see in the library.

Post Grad Brittany: If anyone bothers me, I will cut them. I’m sleeping.