He Said/She Said: Gettin’ Down with Goin’ Down

By Lauren

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

My best friend and I have a lot in common. We both love baked ziti, shoes, Robin Williams movies and playing with makeup. But as much as we can talk for hours and hours about the beauty of a designer stiletto or the genius that is Mrs. Doubtfire, there’s one thing we can’t seem to agree on:

Oral sex.

She’s obsessed with it. LOVES it. And I’m not talking about gettin’ it; I’m talkin’ about giving it. Just mention oral sex (or anything that has the word ‘oral’ in it), and she gets all hot and bothered, touting off the many joys of a good blow job. “You have total control,” she explains. “And it feels so good to know that you’re making that person feel really good.” She also constantly reminds us all to mind the stepchildren and giggles at the mere thought of “how fun balls are!” (Note: This type of conversation gets awkward when it is spurred by someone talking about their oral surgery.)

I hear what she’s saying – I mean, how can you not when it’s a constant topic of conversation – and I want to like goin’ downtown on a guy, but I just can’t get behind it. Sure I’ll do it (you gotta reciprocate, right?), but I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Just think about it for a second. Like, really think about it. You’re putting something in your mouth that has been inside some guy’s sweaty undies all day. Once you get past that, if you can, there’s the fact that you’re putting something too large in your mouth (if you’re “lucky”), cracking your jaw open for an undetermined amount of time and the payoff is what? A foul tasting bodily fluid shooting into the back of your throat.

Sounds like a dream come true.
Pause.
Not.

Not only that, but the entire process is hard. I remember the first time I went down on a guy. The next morning my neck was killing me. Like, I couldn’t turn my head. And my knees were all red from sitting on them for so long. And don’t even get me started on the pain in my jaw. I have TMJ, for god’s sake. I couldn’t even fathom having to visit my dentist and explain that no, I wasn’t chewing gum, it was actually male genitalia that caused the recent clicking in my jaw.

For the most part, yes, giving a blow job is pretty straight forward. I mean, for guys who get themselves off 42 times a day, it doesn’t take much to please ‘em, am I right? But there’s so much to think about when you’re down there. Where should I put my hand? Don’t get your teeth in the way. Ugh, my hair is in my face; that’s not sexy. Should I look up at him? Oh god, I lost my rhythm. Jesus, why didn’t I bring a ponytail holder? I hope my butt doesn’t look too big sticking up in the air like that. Sh*t, my foot just fell asleep. No sudden movements. Pins and needles. Owww. Oh no, watch the teeth. Is he liking this? Slow down. OK, now speed up. What did Cosmo say I should do with my tongue? My neck is totally gonna kill in the morning. I forgot to mind the stepchildren! Is he gonna kiss me when this is all over?

I’m getting flustered just thinking about it. And I get even more flustered when I think about a guy putting his hand on my head during the process the fact that more than half the time, guys don’t even reciprocate oral sex with oral sex. That they think their job is SO much harder than ours. Seriously, guys? I know that all female parts work differently and it’s inherently more difficult to give a woman an orgasm, but do you have any idea what it’s like to go at it on a Tacito for 30 minutes without using your teeth? No, you don’t (at least I hope to god you don’t), but I can tell you that it’s physically and mentally exhausting. And if I’m gonna do that for you, the least you could do is kiss me when I finish and get down there and show me a little oral lovin’.

Trust me, I deserve it.

And that’s my take on things. Click here to see what he says at Coedmagazine.com.