The Bachelorette: No Pressure or Anything

By Courtney

Before I even start in on this episode, let me just ask one very important question:

Who plans a wedding on their first date?! WHO DOES THAT? And who ends up at a wedding chapel and doesn’t even get married? Why the hell would you even plan that crap? Honestly, with 115 minutes left in the episode, I was hoping Ashley would say ‘I do’ and end this season on a high note. But she did not. And I had to sit through another 2 hours of over-produced and cheesy romantic TV.

So let’s get down to business. The business of oversharing and really depressing life stories, to be more specific.. Apparently everyone on The Bachelorette is damaged in some way. Or they just think the way to Ashley’s heart is through her….uh….heart. I mean, that maybe they can get her to pity them enough to pick them.

William’s Date/Life Story:
First up we had William, who shared how he lost his dad to drinking. A tearful Ash felt his pain having also dealt with a father’s alcohol problems. But she consoled him with a rose and a nice little makeout sesh in front of the Bellagio fountains. Thank god the little guy got a rose for all of his hard efforts. What hard efforts, you ask? Well, considering he was put to the task of helping Ash plan a fake wedding in Vegas (seriously, who the eff planned that ish?) then ended up at a wedding chapel where he was the only one saying I do…and then had to paddle a row boat in the middle of a giant fountain (!), home slice earned that rose.  Especially since some people would rather ” be swimming in pee than plan a wedding with her.”

Sidenote: I’d rather be wading through feces than have to look at Bentley’s stupid (hot) face one more time.

Group Date/More Sad Stories:
The city of romance…. Oh wait, it’s the city of trashed dreams and drunken hook ups. But I digress. So the lucky 12 were: Constantine, Ryan M. Chris, Ben F, Nick Bentley , West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames. As soon as they landed they were brought to a theater where the Jabbawockeez were performing, which, by the way, was totally awesome. I had no idea those guys got themselves a show in Vegas. Finally, something good came from MTV! But back to the most awkward guy dancing I’ve ever seen point. The plan was to break the 12 lovely – well, 11 lovely and one totally douchetastic – guys into two groups of six and have a dance-off. If you can call what they did dancing. Whatever, they put in a valiant effort.

So that happened, which was really just a little time filler before more cheesy/cringeworthy/get way too personal on the first date moments went down. First, the other dentist, what’s his face, had a special moment with Ashley, where she confided in him that she thinks all dentists are the same/dance the same? and they may be too Type A together.  His response? They’ll just be “Twice as perfect.” Where’s my barf bag?

Then West, aka this season’s Emily, breaks it down for her and tells her how he lost his wife but is ready to find love again. Collective aww. Aren’t his eyes so dreamy??

And then, leaving some fantastic guys behind (cough West cough cough), Ashley leads Bentley into the suite, sits him down and tells him to shut up and to please, please, please, please, please, please stay. Not much for playing hard to get are you, Ash?  If only she could see the interview footage in which Bentley lets the audience know he wants her to “tickle his Pickle.” Douche is just killing with those quotes tonight.

Mickey’s Date/More Sharing:
The last 1-1 date was with Mickey, by default. Since the producers, I mean Ashley, couldn’t decided on whether to make a date with JP (swoon) or Mickey (who?), she made them decide with a Nerf Gun duel to the death. Well not really, but that would’ve made for a way better two hours of my life. They flipped a coin, Mickey won…and that was OK by me because he’s actually super cute.  Although it was pretty clear he wasn’t the one Ash was hoping for as she gave a lame attempt at “Ohh you, well, okay I guess I can work this” when he came off the escalator. Yes he got a rose, yes he joined in on the sharing (apparently Mickey lost his mom 6 years ago, he was her only child and a huge mama’s boy. For real, does anyone on this show not have some major drama in their past?!) From there they scaled a wall of wine and listened to Colbie sing “Brighter Than the Sun” on a fake beach, which I’m sure was a great moment in Ms. Colbie’s career. Somewhere along the lines of that time she wrote that song for the cotton commercials.

The Mask’s Moment to Shine/Overshare:
Aw, poor guy didn’t get a date. Probably because this week’s dates were happening in Vegas and not at Mardi Gras. Waaaah. He’s so deep. He wants to reveal himself to Ashley. He has had a hard life that led him to see people for who they are and not what they look like….or something. He wants her to like him for his personality. Which would be great, if he wasn’t totally creepy and boring and bland. With dead eyes. I feel bad for the guy – what with his brain hemorrhage and divorce – but he really just needs to take off that damn, quilted mask. Just think about the messed up tan lines he must be getting!

Gosh, so much emotional unloading, I feel like I need a full gallon of ice cream to feel better. And add in the fact that Douche McScruffy Hair is still around (that’s Bentley, in case you didn’t catch it), and I need to get me an XL order of McDonald’s fries to go along with it. (Emotional eating is my jam, yo.)

Why must you take me on such an emotional roller coaster every week, ABC, WHY?! And why must I get so invested, so quickly? Speaking of which, I can’t wait for next week: “I’m going to make Ashley cry, I hope my hair looks okay.” Said by Mr. Bentley, obvi. Next week’s episode looks like it will be a real tear jerker for Miss. Ashley; let’s hope girlfriend can pull through!