Friday Faves: The Difference Between Having Sex and Making Love

June 3, 2011 11:00 am     Posted in Featured Right, Relationships, Sex  Candy -- NYU g+ page

sex_thumb love spooning


By Candy

“I don’t know if we should talk about this…”

“And why not? Everybody has sex!”

“Yeah, but everybody should be making love.”

“Come on, how many guys do you know making love?”

–Salt N Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”

In the past six months, I’ve had sex. I’ve been laid. I f*cked. However, it’s been a long time since I’ve made love, and I kind of miss it. Some people might argue that there’s no difference – physically, they are the same. But emotionally, passionately, and mentally, the two deeds are very different.

1. The First Time.

The first time you make love with your partner, it’s usually a very special moment. It’s often planned out in advance, especially in new relationships. There’s often sensual foreplay, and your bodies fit together perfectly.

If it’s your first time with a new partner and you’re just having sex, it may be spontaneous. Your partner may not be your boyfriend, or even your crush, and the decision to go all the way is frequently a hormonal (thanks, booze!) impulse. First time sex can be sloppy and awkward as you try to find the right position, and after everything’s said and done, it feels like there was something missing.

2. Your BAC.

I’ve heard of drunken sex, but I’ve never heard of inebriated love-making. If anyone has experienced the urban legend of wasted love-making, I’d love to hear about it.

3. The Setting.

If you’re about to copulate in a dim room filled with candles, on a bed covered with rose petals, you’re probably going to make love. If you’re going to do it in the backseat of a car, an airplane bathroom, an elevator, or another compact space that may have legal repercussions attached, it’s sex.

Al fresco sex/love-making is a grey area. Sure, sex on the beach or in the woods may sound like a fairy tale scenario, but dirt in sand in uncomfortable places can ruin the romance.

4. The Soundtrack.

Lovemaking songs include “The Fear You Won’t Fall” by Joshua Radin or “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones (or any cover version, including Mazzy Star, Jewel, or the Sundays). F*cking songs range from “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry to “Every Girl” by Lil’ Wayne. Do you really want to ride someone when the words “You f— so good I’m on top of it” blare from the stereo? Likewise, “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih is a bit tacky.

Sure, there isn’t always music playing when you’re doing it, but if you could have picked a song to illustrate last night’s mood, which would you pick?

5. The Aftermath.

Lovemaking includes mutual orgasms, followed by spooning and cuddling. If you’re in a relationship, your boyfriend’s post-sex behavior could include promptly rolling over and falling asleep, or the phrase “That was great,” despite the fact that you didn’t get off. If you’re single, you’ll take the walk of shame after a long night of sex. In those rare occasions that you’ve made love to someone without commitment, it could turn into breakfast in the morning, a few more rounds, and maybe even a new relationship.

In my opinion (and experience), it’s far more common to have sex than to make love. However, this means that when you do find yourself both emotionally and physically stimulated with a partner you care for very deeply, you appreciate the art of lovemaking so much more than that one-night stand a few months ago with whatshisname.

Any other differences between “sex” and “making love”? Share your thoughts below!

[This story was originally posted by Kathryn S.]

And of course, there are plenty more old faves where this came from.

13 Comments on "Friday Faves: The Difference Between Having Sex and Making Love"

  1. Spiya says:
    Fri, 3rd Jun 20114:57 pm 

    I think this sounds more like a description of how sex happens in Chick-Flicks. The lines are usually much more blurred, sex in a loving relationship can be hormone fueled alfresco monkey sex in an airport bathroom, and any douche who wants to get in your panties can light some candles and play some cheesy music. Even in a loving relationship sex isn't always perfect, especially if it's the first time and you've waited a while for it to happen, the difference is just that you feel really comfortable with each other, and actually care that you both enjoy it.

  2. Janine says:
    Sat, 4th Jun 20114:43 am 

    You can make love to someone you're not emotionally attracted to (in a relationship with). It mainly depends on the " Chemistry Feeling " the two of you have. I don't mean the gee, he/she so hot I just want to bang them into next week feeling, I mean the wow, something about her/him makes me feel like I'm on fire and I know they feel it too. The general idea of making love is that its sex, but more sensual, slow and passionate, pleasing each other, where straight sex is just I'm gonna get mine and I hope you do too, its usually a lot more to the point. It depends on the two individuals. I believe guys make love to certain girls and pound certain girls lol.

  3. Ellan says:
    Sun, 5th Jun 201111:56 am 

    making love is more planned. Having sex is getting whatever comes your way you take it. Then think about what happens next.

  4. knower asookoo says:
    Mon, 6th Jun 20114:58 am 

    i prefer love-making to sex. Love-making simply involves everything from emotions, through the body to the spirit, its just awesome

  5. big d says:
    Mon, 6th Jun 201112:44 pm 

    There is only one thing to ask yourself to tell the difference between love making and sex. Are you in love, If your not it just sex hopefully good sex. No disrespect ladies but you often get it confused. Just because a man takes his time works your body and tries to do all the things he thinks you like or doesn't treat you like a object for his pleaser doesn't make it love making. Its his attempt to keep you cumming back so to speak.

  6. MomOfThree says:
    Mon, 6th Jun 20115:37 pm 

    Love making leaves a lasting feeling. Sex just takes the edge off. Love making is unrestrained because it involves trust. Sex involves holding back because it's filled with distrust. Love making makes you feel good about yourself afterwards. Sex makes you feel like you need to scrub yourself clean and then hide from the world. Love making includes commitment. Sex is no strings attached. Love making brings a couple closer together. Sex is between a non-couple so distance is the permanent norm. Love making isn't seen on video. Sex is everywhere on video. Love making puts a couple on equal ground. Sex puts women on the lower rung as if they are nothing.

  7. wordup says:
    Tue, 7th Jun 20118:42 am 

    strange comment 'Sex involves holding back because it's filled with distrust.'

    That really is a harse way to judge others, especially our own clan – women!

  8. Hannah says:
    Wed, 8th Jun 20118:33 am 

    Honestly, my boyfriend and I never plan love-making, or sex. Well, he sometimes plans sex, but our love-making just happens. And it's very close, and usually very slow, and with lots of lovey words being said and stuff. I liked the article, but couldn't relate it in any way to my personal differences between love and sex.

  9. Amber says:
    Wed, 8th Jun 201111:50 am 

    Totally agree! You can be spontaneous and still make love; it's not like you need a detailed itinerary before you start. This article–ridiculous.

  10. kay says:
    Wed, 8th Jun 20113:41 pm 

    my boyfriend and I have incredible, passionate, rough SEX. better than that "love-making" bull crap anyday.

  11. leslie says:
    Sun, 12th Jun 20118:16 pm 

    What you're saying implies that anytime you have sex with your committed significant other, you're actually making love. Sometimes, sex is just sex for the sake of getting off. Making love takes way too much energy sometimes.

  12. Kendra says:
    Mon, 13th Jun 20112:40 pm 

    Wow, this post is terrible. Way to make sex sound like some shameful act that demeans women. Thanks for perpetuating the stereotypes about female sexuality and the Madonna/whore dichotomy. I thought this site was for at least somewhat enlightened people.

  13. Chizzy says:
    Sun, 29th Jan 20123:11 pm 

    To me i fink love making iz more emotional…more intimate dan sex…most tym after havin sex if askd d reply yhu get is ”it just happend…dere no big deal…its happens errdaii”buh wiv love making d reply yhu get iz it was wonderfull…neva tot it wuld b dis satifactory….even 4 a virgin…it wunt b as bad a losin yhur viginity wen yhu ve just sex…love makin makes yhu furfilld…dere no waii yhu’ll make luv wiv out gettn an orgasm buh yhu can ve sex wiv out gettn an orgasm…love makin iz so romantic…sex iz just dere

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