Dude’s List: 12 Reasons We Wish We Were Women

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"I wish I had breasts. Waaaahhh"

Last week’s Dude’s List was all about why he likes to be a him rather than a her. However, I not so subtly hinted in that article that every advantage reflects a disadvantage, every strength hides a weakness, and so, this Dude’s List I turn the tables on the boys. This time I go over the top dozen reasons you’ve got it over us. That’s right, I actually went 1 further!

Show Emotion
Let’s get the cliché out of the way. Yes, men are encouraged still to be more emotionally repressed. We are incorrigible due to the idea of having to be stronger, not to allow vulnerability, programmed to withhold because to be taken care of is weak and a sign of failure. I tread the line of the double standard but the standard is still the standard. I only wish this imbalance could get leveled out at long f*cking last.

Live Longer
So this is me sorta, kinda, maybe, backtracking on one of the perks I talked about last time. The fact we’ve got shorter life expectancies is really a blessing AND a curse. Who the heck really wants to die? Immortality’s the vainest but most common dream there is. We want to see the iPad 3! We want to see the AIDS vaccine reach the market! We want to watch “Batman 100: The Dark Knight Never Dies!” Enjoy those extra years, ladies. Enjoy knowing what comes next.

Have Better Sex
Multiple. Orgasms. We fire them off one at a time. Then, in general (there is the occasional Kryptonian) we have to wait at LEAST 18 minutes before we’re ready to go again. But you gals can work yourselves up to being the Energizer Bunny and just keep going and going and going and going… All those thousands of extra nerve endings you possess can take you to places we’re not fit to travel to. I made a woman meow once. Know how many times I’ve meowed? A big, fat, doughnut hole, THAT’S HOW MANY!

Masturbate More Discreetly
Please argue this one the comments section below. Diagrams, visual aids, and philosophical citations are encouraged.

Project Gorgeous
Men’s fashion is a constant modification of an overarching style. Clothes that were popular in the ’20s could still be pulled off today. You know why? Because men’s fashion doesn’t get nearly the attention, imagination, or experimentation that women’s fashion does. We want to be pretty, too, damn it! But a suit is a suit is a suit is a suit. When it comes to looking good, you’ve got an infinite number of paths to explore. We’ve got, maybe, 5.

WINNING!
It must be nice not to be restrained by logic. You’ve the ability to exercise “creative reasoning.” You’re not always right, but you’re never wrong. Which means we always are. And we’re tired of it. But we can’t do anything about it…KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Reaching the Promised Land
There’s nowhere for us to go but down. Women still have room to gain ground politically, economically, and socially. We’re the bad guys. We’re the oppressors. We’re the ones that have to pay for our mistakes. Y’all have righteousness on your side. It’s taken a while and will continue to take a while, but you still have hope of ascending, whereas we have the inevitability of decaying into our own depravity. Think the Romans, the dinosaurs, the Corleones! And I hope it happens soon before we blow up the whole damn world. When it comes to the battle of morality, you’ve got the high ground.

Be Pampered Without Having Your Sexuality Questioned
Manicures, pedicures, waxing, facials, exfoliating, going to spas, showering every day…unless you’re really rich or a model, this kind of self-treatment isn’t accepted amongst those of us with penises. The only way we’re permitted to “treat” ourselves is with our dominant hand. And lotion.

Pulled Over? No Problem.
No guy has ever talked his way out of a speeding ticket. Tears get us a SECOND ticket. For being a pussy. And we have no breasts to show off. Our smiles are generally yellower and crooked. I’ve heard of a guy getting off, by offering to get the cop off. Unfortunately, I don’t have the balls to try it. So I pay…

Be Pursued Rather Than Pursue
Argue this all you want but there’s still the expectation that the man must chase the woman. We have to ask you out. We have to make the first move. We have to prove our worthiness. It’s painful. It’s stressful. And it sucks. It’d be really nice to feel wanted, even from unwanted sources. Just, you know, to have a girl come up to us and use a cheesy line. To be bought a drink. To be invited back to your place. The tides have turned a little in these sexual dynamics but the fine print still reads the mandate: men must hunt. “I do bite my thumb, sir.”

Possess Breasts
You’re obsessed with puppies. We’re obsessed with, well, puppies. Why are men always thinking about, staring at, wanting to touch, play with, fondle, worship the mammaries? It’s a debate that’s been held for centuries.  Part of it is a “grass is greener” mentality. We don’t have them. A dark little secret men don’t dare to admit: sometimes we wish we did. I mean, come on, they’re incredibly fun! (We don’t think about downsides like back pain, lactating, or the fact you’ve got 2 sensitive glands for all to bump into and hurt.) We just think: “Fluffy!”

Superpowers
Mindreading. Mind control. Syncing. The ability to reduce towering egos with a look. The keeper of the sex. And you’re even allowed to wear capes on the proper occasion…*pout*

Alright, ladies. This concludes our tour of male insecurities and jealousies. We’ve covered everything from the physical to the moral to the supernatural. Bring on the comments! What do you think you’ve got that we don’t? What did I miss? Where am I way off base? What’s your list in response? Show me where I crossed the line and beat me back. Because, remember, the Dude’s List is here for 1 reason: to say what we’re not supposed to say, but that a lot of us think. No judgments, just observations. Communication is key.

And that concludes the 18-minute waiting period,
The Dude

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