Dude’s List: Top 11 Reasons He’ll Break Up With You

This time the Dude’s List examines 11 reasons why “it’s not me, it’s you.” Deal breakers and heart breakers are like snow flakes. But here are 11 of them for you to get a closer look at. As always, I’m not advocating that all/any of these reasons are fair/legitimate/mature but they’ve been used. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty where guys tend to draw the line and call it quits.

By The Dude

1. “I Really Have To Focus On My Career Right Now”

The age-old question: Happiness or success? (Okay, it’s not that old of a question and that’s not always the question.) A lot of guys are trapped in their ambition. Or a slave to it. Or just really, really narcissistic. Sometimes the job comes before the relationship. It’s a choice. Is it the right choice? That’s not for me to make a judgment on. Every relationship versus job scenario is filled with more variables than cafeteria mystery meat. In this economy, careers are harder to build but women are everywhere, right? I mean, who can be happy in the unemployment line? Some guys are wired to believe that they can’t be happy at home unless happy at the office. Not advocating, just observing. And sometimes I observe guys moving across the country for a dream job, leaving their girlfriend of three years behind.

2. “You Deserve Better”

Have you heard this? Or said it? Did you mean it? Did he? It’s a rewording of “it’s not you, it’s me.” Because now no girl will ever believe that excuse since it’s entered the kingdom of cliché. But hey, some guys do self-sabotage their relationships and truly can’t appreciate what they’ve got, think they’re not worth it, and so break up with you because they think it’s only a matter of time before you realize you could do better. You know what I say to those guys? “F*ck you!” If you ever got this break-up speech, count your blessings, because you were done a favor…even if it felt like a kick in the tits in the moment.

3. “We’re Not On the Same Page”

We’re not on the same page. We’re not reading the same book. The books aren’t even written in the same language. And you know what, yeah, sometimes two people in the same relationship want different things. Oh, you may start in the same place but people grow apart. Distance isn’t just physical but emotional, psychological, and, often, terminal. Remember, we live according to the laws of space and time.

4. “You’re Not Ready for the Next Step”

Hey, sometimes a guy wants to get more serious than you do. He asks you to start looking at apartments, or he’ll drift you over to the ring section of a jewelry store, or he’ll try to sneak into the bathroom before you’ve put on make-up to see what you really look like. There are warning signs for this one. Some are public and some are private (when he leaves the bathroom door open, it’s the hygienic equivalent of “I think you might be the one). If he’s ready, but you’re not…woops there goes another rubber tree.

5. “I’m Not Ready for the Next Step”

Run, Joey, run. Because when you’re the one who wants to take things further and he’s stuck in second gear, he’s ready to jump out before it’s too late.

6. “You Killed My Bunny!”

THIS is a perfectly valid reason.

7. “If You Don’t Kill Your Mother, I Will”

Let’s face it: some people let their families get in the way. Lack of privacy, pure blind hatred, reasonable hatred, there are all types of ways family can feel like they’re wedging into the happiness between two people. A lot of times this one’s the result of the two people in the relationship coming from COMPLETELY different backgrounds. You know that sad old story, he’s from an Irish Catholic cult of twelve children living off of food stamps, she’s a JAP from Jersey, and come the holidays it’s like’s putting peanut butter and toe jam together. It just doesn’t work. Or, another scenario: one person’s controlled by his/her family, and the other can’t understand how he/she doesn’t see it. But what the other person does see is disaster. So, they leave before hitting the iceberg.

8. “I’m Gay”

Try arguing against that. Some guys are conflicted. Fortunately, through your relationship, he realizes that he’s terrified of vaginas and loves penises. Congratulations, you’ve actually just facilitated the most important self-discovery/self-admittance of his life. Your prize? Being suspicious of EVERY man you ever go out with ever again.

9. “I’m Not a Cliff, Stop Clinging to Me!”

A lot of people don’t realize they’re clingers. Others know it but can’t control themselves. Smothering isn’t just done with pillows but heart shaped pillows. Some gals want to move too fast, too soon, and rush right into his personal space. Well, that doesn’t always work out the way they want it to. NO TWO PEOPLE FALL FOR EACH OTHER AT THE SAME RATE! It’s fact. There’ve been studies in India done on this. Attraction happens at the rate of attraction which is different for each organism. By getting too clingy, one is oblivious of the fact that the other person may be operating at a different speed. This is where the old saying of “let it happen” comes out of.

10. “My Dick Is Not A Chew Toy!”

Sexual incompatibility. This can kill a relationship. I know, for some, sex isn’t a deal breaker, it’s the companionship that matters. Well, if you’re sexually incompatible there are ways to work around that or he’s gay. One requires a lot more effort than he might think is worth it and the other is he’s GAY. Some people work well together everywhere except between the sheets and some only function there. Neither scenario usually results in long-term happiness unless you can last past the point where either of you is sexually capable. And since Viagara has made that age 90 for the average man, well, outlasting the problem might not be a viable option either.

11. “I’m Just Not Into You Anymore”

I know a lot of guys who’ve said this. I know a lot of guys who haven’t been able to articulate how it happens. Sometimes, after four months (or four weeks or four hours) he runs out of passion for you. Was there anything to be done? Is it anybody’s fault? Is it just a BS excuse? I don’t know if I have an answer for you. I’d love to hear your opinions, honestly.

Realistically, there could have been a hundred reasons given on this list. I’d polled a number of people and got everything from what you see there to “she was mad at me for beating her at Call of Duty and then when I taught her, she was mad at me for getting beat by her at Call of Duty.” We’ve all heard crazy break-up stories. We’ve all heard some pretty cliché ones, too. But let’s face it, guys aren’t the only ones that dish out break-up lines, are they? More on that in the next Dude’s List! For now, let me know some of the ones that you think should have been on the list and weren’t. And of course, which ones you’ve given…

Check, please!

The Dude